I couldn’t sleep so i took sleeping pills. They didn’t really sleep it was more like being paralyzed. I could feel hear but couldn’t stop him from having sex with me like that. I confronted him and he denied it. We fought and he said it would never happen again. I had no where to go. I was trapped. He went where I went. My first break  at help was a cop who said a husband can’t rape his wife. 5 yrs later some one stepped in. I had a child with him.
They lied said i was a druggie whore and other stuff and my lawyer did nothing the judge didn’t even ask for proof. now I have a good marriage a wonderful step daughter and another son. When i got to see my oldest child I got phone calls and emails that if i ever wanted to keep  my other two I’d never see him again. She won in court why couldn’t she make me lose my other kids too. The email was if i tried for kaile no one would ever see any of them again. It was tracked to my uncles pc  where my ex had been but there was no proof because they said anyone could have sent it. The account was made and never used again. There was a n accident that took my memories,a blessing. He found me stalked me on face book got my phone number from friends and now It’s triggered the memories of all the things he did.  Now he wants me to sign over rights to my son. It was the only way I had to tell him I was still here.I still cared. I will be dead before I sign my rights over. They were right fight for one lose them all. If I’m dead he loses and my kids lose their brother,if I sign he will always think I never loved him. I’m too poor for a lawyer and my husband makes to much for legal aid. My ex has a naval lawyer. Every time I try to fight they leave me destroyed inside and reputaion wise and it is effecting my family.
Why can’t i just disappear, I really need help.  My shrink is at a loss to help with the depression because it’s event caused. All drugs will do is give the ex  another proof of drug use.  I promised my hubby i wouldn’t kill myself where the kids could find me. He doesn’t want me to but he doesn’t know how to help either.  I wake up every morning trying   to live with this. Nothing has went in my favor except my hubby and the kids here at home.
5 comments
I suppose it’s possible that bipolar and OCD could have some connection, but you’d have to ask your doctor that one because we aren’t medical professionals here. I know they aren’t an automatic outcome of PTSD, they most certainly exist in people without PTSD. I am not bipolar and don’t have OCD. I’m sorry that this happened to you, it must have been very traumatic.
I have a similiar experience. My husband would rape me, often sodomizing me as well. I tried to say no in the beginning but the only way to escape was to leave my home and after a couple of years of that I just gave up saying no and would lay there completely limp. He tried to create situations where he could make me do things for his friends. There were always excuses and apologies and claims that he’d seek help but it never happened. He was the epitamy of Dr.Jecklle/Mr. Hyde. We had two children and I loved that Dr. Jeckylle side of him so I stayed for a decade. Finally I just couldn’t live like that anymore and left him. Noone believed me. about what he had been doing. My church gave him support and ostrasized me. It didn’t even seem to matter that he’d confessed to doing “terrible things” to me. And though I was able to get some of the videos he’d made, I’d been told that his attorney would argue that we were role playing. I lost all but really only 1 friend because I was in such a terrible state of depression (it was too painful for them to watch what I was going through.) And after my husband and I separated and he couldn’t physically hurt me anymore, he found more ways to drive me crazy and break my spirit and mind. My health has greatly deteriorated and I have been diagnosed with a number of physical ailments in addition to the PTSD, Major Depression, and Anxiety. He ended up quitting his job which was our only means of support and moved out of the state (imo b/c i was finally starting to find the courage to take what I had to the police). He was able to find a job with a 50% paycut, so I barely make ends meet with my support and am at risk of losing our home. Thankfully, he left the children with me. But now as I really do have to deal with the divorce proceedings (I have not been able to leave the court house yet without having a major panic attack), I am told by people that I could lose my kids because of my PTSD. The PTSD that HE caused! I have lost all hope in the judicial system, my future, and even humanity from my experiences through this. I avoid anything dealing with the traumas I’ve experienced as much as I can which sometime leads to repurcussions. I live in fear and with so much hopelessness. I feel so alone in this world of 7 billion people. I live only for my children. I hate this world, I seem to have lost the ability to really feel any joy. If I lost my kids, there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I would die. It’s so hard to hang on some days with them in my life. No one would recognize me now from the woman I was once. My husband’s actions and those who gave support to them have killed that woman. It is a stranger who lives in the shell of my body. I have a therapist, and have been seeing them for the last several years, but I just can’t seem to see any light.
I don’t know exactly what all you’ve gone through but I do know what it feels like to be raped..passed out raped & raped by a husband. Its just lucky for you that you have moved past all that & can start over. I have PTSD as well..I get panic attacks and cry a lot. I never had this before..I took care of people that had it. But because I had been through so much all at once..I started getting worse. My heart hurts just texting this. I wont go into all the details but just know you are not alone. Ive been going through counselling for many years..I have the best family that are specialized in this field to take care of me..I can honestly say that it doesn’t help much but just knowing they are there helps some. I also know that the biggest help was just praying..just you and God knows so ill leave you by saying, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Its good to say those words ever time a bad thought comes around.
Welcome Auna
I have dealt with a similiar situation. Actually I have dealt with it many times unfortunately…atleast the sexual abuse part…the rest…can’t even imagine. Wow!
That being said….I have dealt with repeated traumas from the age of 4 until 40, as well I have dealt with addiction issues….who am I kidding….lol…I’m still dealing with them. I never lost custody of my children….but my children definitely lost. During court ordered visitation, they were both molested by their father. Don’t have to tell you they have had a rough life. In essence the world lost my children….sigh….
I am now 50 years old. I have attempted suicide many times….I have sought help many times….several psychiatrists, psychologists,a psychometrist or two, a raft of counsellors and therapists…and the best diagnosis they ever came up with was this. “We’re not sure if the patient is truly psychotic or merely extremely silly at times.”….What kind of diagnosis is that?….probably the most accurate…lol…humour is many things to me….but definitely a tool for survival.
All that being said….I finally did find an answer….don’t know if it’s your answer…but thought I’d share….I mean what have you got to lose? Just a suggestion though. I found my answers from a sexual assault counsellor. Most are women with a history of abuse of their own. They don’t ask you stoopid questions and try to figure you out. They just listen, understand, guide, suggest and finally care. The most important. For once I didn’t feel like a bug under a microscope. I went from being incapable of remaining in my body during sex, unless I was stoned, to the point that I became welll…..lets keep it PG as they say and just say better…lol
much much much better…lmao Became more confident in myself, learned to value myself a wee bit more…and many other wonderful things…did it fix my life?…no….just me….and then I had to fix my life….or atleast try….am still trying…i’m not quite dead yet…lol
The other thing I would suggest would be a book called “The Courage to Heal”, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis I believe….it used to be my bible.
I hope that something,anything I have said has helped. I also deal with PTSD and have most of my life….but I’m dealing. If I can help you in any way….please let me know…
Namaste
Amakua
benbina..thats horrible.. you didnt deserve that… knobody does.. not only was it rape .. but worst of all it was somone you cared for.. but it wasnt your fault… my experience wasant my fault … we may hav jumped in the sea … but they caught us with the sharp hook.. im through feeling like shit becaus of there mistake.. not mine .. its his mistake … he shud hav to suffer ..not you .. im so glad you hav your children to make you happy… your so lucky.. just hold on to that glimpse of happiness.. i dred for the day i have a child that will look at my arm and say mommy were did thoes scars come from…. im only 14 years old.. within the past few months.. a good nine men have managed to rape me becuse i had low self esteem.. they got into my head becuse they told me what i wanted to hear.. and they all said the same things.. but now i know.. i dont need anyone to tell me im beutiful.. becuse i know i am .. and if weve both made it this far .. and dear god i hope you have .. weve already suceeded… suicide is weak.. i wud know . ive tried.. but taking all the pain away dosnt make it stop.. you just end up leaving .. before youve made your purpose… i think there was a reson for my pain.. ithink someday… i will be able to do amazing things becuse i have deep emotions.. ive been through hell .. and i hope i can right inspiring books.. and maybe even council people… i think that now.. it may suck but someday..im going to be happy… becuse this helped me.. i am steel.. nothing can break me..