I had my forth OD and 3rd suicide attempt this halloween.
On the outside i’m the girl that seem’s to have everything, I have a good academic background, lots of friends, have performed mainstage at Wireless Festival, I go clubbing with friends and dance all night dressed up, I don’t drink or do drugs or smoke, I’m the agony aunt to all my friends and the go-to-girl for fashion advice, beauty and hair advice etc. I have a smile on my face and laugh all the time, the life and soul of the party, the girl who will grow up to be successful, have a family and be a great wife and mother.
Except….I’m not.
Aside from a handful of friends that I trusted (some stupidly) enough to tell them everything about me, nobody knows the pain. Nobody will understand. And even the friends that matter, the ones who don’t judge me, even they can’t understand no matter how hard they may try.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve been fighting all my life to survive, to keep living, keep making everyone else happy. I pushed myself to my limits, and unbeknown to those around me I was the child who at 7 years old was writing in her diary that she wanted to die. The young teenager who was attacked. The kid who was bullied so much by girls at school she would cry every night in secret. The girl who kept having operations for countless different medical problems. The older cousin who lost her younger most amazing cousin to a brain tumour. The daughter who was never good enough, felt worthless, was blamed for everything including her parents divorce, never was told the truth, didn’t deserve to know the real reason, never was heard, never was seen, never felt important and couldn’t ever cry in front of her family or confide in anyone. Â The young adult who by 21 had been through so many different things and held it in, kept it silent by crying at night or in the rain, prayed someone, anyone would notice the pain, self harmed, couldn’t sleep and ended up hitting rock bottom trying to overdose and failing.
I received some therapy, though it helped it was stopped too soon. I then attempted again subconciously in a way, without thinking to overdose and felt a sense of calm, until a friend passed by the house and stopped me taking me to hospital. The NHS shocked me, a girl who had taken over 60 tablets was allowed to go home the next day because even though she said ‘i will most likely do it again’ she was smart, intellectual, engaged in eye contact, well dressed and was friendly. I then had 3 weeks to get another job and move out of the home I was living in. I coped for a few months, living with a great friend. Then the self harm started again. I realised I was not okay, just because I pretended to everyone else I started to believe it for a while. But all I was doing was partying, dancing, my social life was amazing, shows, dinners, events etc, but inside I was crying. I OD’d again after the ‘Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model’ event and afterparty. This time I was trying not to, I was aware I was a danger to myself, I confided in two friends who tried to help through texts and phone calls but in the end the pain overtook and I started to take the tablets ( I have a lot of different medication for chronic knee problems ) my friend had called the police and they came to my flat with paramedics who took me to hospital.
All I feel is pain, hurt, anger, helpless, worthless, selfish for wanting to take my own life. I feel both every emotion and numb at the same time. I cry in a way that I never knew existed, a pain in my actual heart making it hard to breathe, my body shaking, tears streaming and no sound. I have been fighting since I was 7 years old, I’m too tired, too weak and too broken.
I know now that my body is so used to medication that i’m on that  I would need to take a lot more tablets than the regular person for it to affect my body. It’s hard to explain but it’s not that I want to kill myself. I just don’t want to be here anymore, I want to disappear and the pain to go away. I want everything to stop.
I know nobody will bother to read all this but I guess it’s kind of like i’m writing in a diary.
I’ve lost myself…I knew exactly who I was and that person has been torn apart and broken down for so long there’s hardly anything left.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost my passion, dream, and my soul. Once that’s gone what else is there left?
Nothing.
7 comments
Hi, I’ve never met you before. I’m not even female. However, I’m going through what you are going through now. There is nothing I can tell you to make you feel better. Hell i’m looking for those same answers myself. For some reason though I felt the need to make an account just to reply to you.
You Mentioned nobody will ever read this, but I just wanted you to know that i’m reading this.
I know it’s not really anything, i’m not that good with expressing emotion.
But I’m reading what you write. (I hope you take this in a non-creepy fashion)
You can’t lose things like passion, dreams and your soul. They can be misplaced but never lost. you will find them again.
So, it sounds like you really want to be noticed. You want someone to pay attention, you want someone to one day see through that wonderful mask you’ve been wearing all your life.
Sorry, it probably won’t happen. Because people mostly take things at face value and don’t bother to scratch the surface. Not because they are assholes or self absorbed or anything. Just because, frankly, they got their own problems to worry about.
This is why you should not be confiding all your feelings to some of your friends. You’re not going to get the sympathy/compassion/understanding that you seek. Because they just can’t handle it, and they will probably (unintentionally) make you feel worse. Go back to your therapist. They are trained to help people like us. Good luck, it sounds like you could really have some impact on this world if you work it out.
Your story really impacted me for some reason. I don’t really have any advice to give or anything to say, but you can email me if you ever want to talk. I hope you make it through this.
Hello xeb. Hope you’re hanging in there. I’ve been reading the stories on here for a while, but i have never posted. In fact i wasn’t even registered until now. I’m not sure what to say to you. I don’t understand my own problems so i’m not going to try to give someone else answers about their life. I am however, a pretty good listener. If you ever need to talk, i’d be happy to listen. When you’re going through hell, keep going.
Thank you to those who have commented…it’s nice to know that someone somewhere knows some of my story and may understand. I just pictured everything so differently and now i’m stuck here in this abyss feeling like i’m constantly just falling in blackness, lost to the world and worse off lost to myself. I fight everyday to live but it’s too exhausting. 24 years is a long time to be fighting.
Xeb I hear you… On the outside things look pretty good for me, I got a 1st in College, did some modelling type stuff and was voted one of the ‘hottest bachelors’ in the country in a magazine, I was one of the cast of a well known TV show and I had a job as a writer for a well known magazine….. For some reason football was the most important thing to me though and despite getting a number of trials to play top level football I never made it, I never felt like I was good enough…. You see I was beaten by my brother for as long as I can remember…. He raped me when I was 9…. My parents were splitting up since I was born because my dad was playing away from home…. I was so used to bottling things up growing up and so used to being unhappy and feeling like I wasn’t loved that when my brother raped me I didn’t even tell anybody….. My brother and Dad both played football at a high level, but not once in my whole life did my dad kick a football with me… He spent all his time playing, watching, coaching, even referring football, but never once had time to kick a ball with me…. always seemed to want to discourage me from playing, like he thought I wasn’t good enough and didn’t want me to embarass him and let down his name…. I don’t remember him ever playing anything with me in fact, but I remember watching from the kitchen window as he played with my older brother…. They both made me feel like crap my whole life growing up…. My Dad out of neglect and my brother from bullying…. When my brother left for college, my father moved out of home shortly afterwards, leaving me as the only child at home…. He didn’t even bother to tell me he was leaving, didn’t even leave a note or make a phone call….. That’s how much he cared about me, I didn’t even enter his head when he decided to leave… I remember him going to a football trial with my brother one day when I was growing up but out of the three football trials I had he didn’t even come to one…. He didn’t even wish me luck… And each time, even though I would get selected from the trials to go on, I would quit, because I didn’t believe I was good enough… I thought if my own dad is ashamed of me, and my brother thinks i’m a retard, then how can I be good enough to play football at this level??? I feel like I could have had it all, a model with a first class honours degree who played football at the top level…. Not many people like that around….. but my father and brother ruined that for me and without football, without having made it to the top level, i feel worthless…. It’s not fair… It’s like I wanted to be seen to be a great footballer so my Dad and brother would like me and so I would respect myself, but they pissed all over that….
Anyway, I’ve sort of spouted out my reasons for being miserable…. but I wanted you to know that I understand what it’s like to put on a front all the time, to look at an airbrushed photo of me in a magazine looking all glossy and shiny when inside I feel miserable and depressed….. I guess I became so used to hiding how my misery growing up that I became detached and was never able to act out how I truly felt…. And now I feel like it’s too late….
Anyway, I hope you can find some way of getting better….I know the NHS will give you a certain amount of free counselling sessions…. this might help…. also, there are low cost counselling options out there…. if you haven’t had much therapy you should try it…. therapy can take months / years to take effect so if you haven’t given that the time then you should try that…..
Hear me now. When I was 16 I thought I would die before my 21st birthday. I had a lot of emotional and family problems. I suffered a lot, for a very long long time. I still suffer to this day, but I am stronger now. I used to have terrible anxiety and depression. I was absolutely miserable and I hated to be alive. life is still very hard for me, and yet here I am. I am in my late 20’s and I have a better grasp of things.
As I write this I hope you will read it, or better yet you have recovered from your hard times. I will post this here for all others who find it. Anyone who wants to talk can message me, I will listen to anyone. One thing that nearly destroyed me was my loneliness I had no friends, no family to talk to, NO ONE. I suffered incredibly, I refused to die I refused to give up.
There were times I medical problems that crippled me, I couldn’t function like a normal human being. I started making better choices, I started eating better. I stopped doing anything and everything that could harm me physically and emotionally. I am not going to tell you that you should live, I will tell you I wish you would be my friend. It is up to you what path you take, I want to see you stay alive and find happiness.
I have met so lousy people that really hurt me. I took the pain, and I walked on. Forget them, they don’t matter. You matter, only you. If someone hurts you, leave them. If someone expects things of you, leave them. If someone disrespects or mistreats you then leave them. You don’t need anyone, damn.. Look at me, I am alone. I don’t even have a single person to solicit a hug! No kiss, no cuddle, no nothing.
I have no one to talk to, I have no one that emotionally supports me. Fuck the haters and trolls. Sometimes you gotta get mad to keep going. Remember though, anger only hurts YOU. Forget about those who have hurt you, leave them behind in your dust. Be you, whomever that may be. People will judge you, let them. People will hate you, let them. Love yourself, and BE TRUE to yourself! No matter what this is the most important advice I can give anyone.
Damn anyone who expects you to be something that you are not. Damn anyone who judges you for being who you are. ( don’t take this out of context) Don’t do anything bad. If you like your hair a certain way, do it. If you like going certain places, go there. If you don’t like certain people, leave them. If you don’t like where you live, move. If you don’t like your job, go to school. If you don’t like jobs or school, then travel. You get the idea. We all need someone to support us, reach out. If you have no one, reach out to me and I will respond. Be well