I can’t seem to help myself. I’m drawn to this site. It’s how I start my days. And I frequented the general section today. Off and on, wondering what to say. I don’t really have a story…not a short one. I’m not suicidal or even depressed, but I feel for you who come here and I can relate on certain levels because I have been suicidal in the past. I attempted suicide when I was a young teenager with pills. No one could even tell because it was the wrong kind of pills and probably not enough. I can go back in my mind and remember the pain I was in, and everything seemed so chaotic. Nowhere was love to be found. Yes, it was deep in my heart and I understood it just enough to know that what I felt and knew about it was nothing like the world around me. A tender fragile heart in a broken, messed- up and cruel world. I wonder how I survived at all sometimes. And having been close to death on a few more occassions throughout my life, I wonder WHY I survived. I’m close to mid-life and I still don’t have the answers. I just know that love, in all it’s glory, is so important. More important to give love and show love by action, because words don’t mean much to some. And of course the feeling of love is fleeting, but coupled with action and a desire to better oneself by doing for others what they perhaps cannot do for themselves gets me out of me. Because it’s not about me. That is a self-absorbed notion. I have so much to tell but to tell those close to me is too much for some to bear. So, I’m quiet but not withdrawn. I have a short life ahead of me. And maybe I’m lucky that I do. I have an illness that keeps me sick most of the time and soon the sickness will just overtake me. But I hang on day after day. Why? I’m so attached to this thing called life. I’m so attached to the people in my world. I just feel like I’m not done yet. Will there be an ultimate climax? The ultimate high? Something that says…Here’s your answer Bobbi!!!! Huh. I doubt it.
I don’t want to write a book. I just want to say that I feel for you and with you. I hear you and I think I get you too.
Peace n luv,
Bobbi
8 comments
Thank you for sharing yourself Bobbi. I have a similar take on the site. I was drawn here too. I have been reading some posts and typing in some comments.
I wanted to ask you something. Do you wish to live, or do you wish to die?
It seems to me as if the illness is really putting you in a place for you to decide.
I would love to live….if only I could (fill in the blank)! There are limits now, physical limits. And I want to die when the physical pain is so intense day after day. No pills seem to help with that on some occassions. Well, I’ve thought of doctor assisted euthenasia. I’m told I wouldn’t qualify, but I think I would given the right situation and the right doc. In this state it’s legal. It’s all about choice right? The decisions we make and the consequences thereof. Thank you Andy for talking with me. Today, I’m alive and well to the best of my abilities.
Thank you. I was drawn to this site because I need people who understand me and don’t try to act like therapists and give me the “Everything-will-get-better” speech.
Therapists…I’ve seen a few. What do they know unless they’ve been in our shoes? They go by our words. They can’t see into the future. I think I’ve had more harm done by therapists than I have just by winging it on my own! I know myself better than any therapist ever will. Peer support does wonders…like The Suicide Project here. Sometimes things really do get better. Sometimes worse. Who is to say. I’d rather trust myself than someone who knows nothing about me!
Its better to have and not need it,than,need it and not have it .
I can send you 20 x 60 mg, Phenobarbital/********(factory wrapped) $200 includes p&p(that’s twice the required amount)
Omg this guy should be banned.
I think angle is spam, it’s the same copy/paste ad on more than one post.
Angle is a scam