I lost someone I loved deeply on July 26th of this year to suicide. She was my best friend. It’s been an incredibly hard few months. I used to be a happy person, I used to smile, and mean it all the time. Now, I fake smiling. I know it has to get easier with time, it can’t get worse. I think about how easy it would be do follow her footsteps and end it all. I can’t though, I won’t. I wouldn’t wish the pain I feel on anybody, and that is what I would do to everyone around me. I know this. Whether its someone you met once, or someone you were close to, suicide is an awful, awful thing to inflict upon all of those people. I don’t think that my friend stopped to consider this. She used to tell me she was so proud of me, for doing something with my life. I’m barely holding on to all of the things I’ve accomplished now. I’m fortunate to have understanding people around to allow me some time to heal now. I’ve been rambling. My point is this: if you commit suicide, everyone you have ever met, talked to, communicated with, everyone will be effected. The aftermath is messy, it’s tragic and it’s broken. My life is broken, but I will never inflict this pain on others. Please think about everyone you know before you choose to take yourself away from them, permanently.
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12 comments
Sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Have you considered the other side of this? Is it really fair to ask someone to stay alive in pain and misery for other people?
I don’t know the answer to this.
As someone who is only staying alive for other people, I contemplate this everyday.
Sorry for your loss, also, agreeing with ViciousCircle..
Sorry for your loss and the pain you’re feeling.
Regarding what ViciousCircle said, *bump*. I’m also curious to read your answer to that.
Thanks for your words, dragon. I have though about suicide my whole entire life. In some cases when things go bad I will always say I will just kill myself. However, I am currently facing a problem that completely shames and have shaken my moral fiber, and my whole being.
I considered killing myself, but I just cannot do it. What will my mother say? my father? my sister? what about God?. There must be hope. There must light at the end of this tunnel.
Thank you everyone for your sympathy, and cj, you are very welcome. Now ViciousCircle, to address your question. If you are staying alive for other people, is that not something to live for? I have been down the suicide road, I have contemplated it deeply before the loss of my friend. Now, I’m so glad that I did not go through with it. Life is hard. It gets rough. I know nothing of your experiences in this world, so I don’t know what you have been through, or why you want to die. What I can say is this: through all of the awful and horrible things in this world, there is still a balance, the love and the hate are balanced. In the end, the really good can counteract the bad. For someone who says they are only staying alive for other people, what does that mean? To me, it means that you care for these people, it means that you found some of that good in this world and you care enough about it to keep trying, to keep living. That’s great! It’s a step in the right direction. Life WILL get hard. That’s life. It can be so good to though, and I truly believe that EVERYONE can find that good, but you have to make it through the bad. So, considering all of this, yes, I do think it is fair to ask someone to stay alive through the pain and misery, because it will get better. When you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up. It may not seem that way at the time, that’s because you’ve gotten stuck in the misery. FIGHT! Right now, these people you don’t want to hurt are clearly something worth fighting for to you. Hold on to them, hold on to that, but don’t expect that person to pull you out of this. In the end, you are responsible for your own happiness, and your outlook on life can effect that happiness. It’s the difference between saying to yourself, “I am only living because I don’t want to hurt them” and “I found something worth living for.” I sincerely hope that all of you can do this, I really do. I don’t know you, and if you go through with this, I may never know. I want you to live though, complete strangers, text on a page, I want you to live because I really, really want you to experience the beautiful things in life. I mean that. Every person is important, and that includes you.
cj, the tunnel may seem black and dark, and even though you can not yet see the light at the end, I really, really hope that you can believe it’s there. In this tunnel, sometimes the end is only a crack, and you can’t see the light until you’re in it. Trust that there will be light, and keep fighting for your mother, your father and your sister, and your God too, maybe someday you’ll realize that all this time you were really fighting for you.
Thanks dragon. My mistake shames deeply, and I must ask for help. I will ask for help. I’d rather speak and ask, than just kill myself. I need to try everything I can before surrendering myself over to death
Ive been on this website on and off for a few months now, I have posted and left some comments.
But dragon…
I am sorry for your loss. My best friend took his life Jan 12 of this year, so I fully understand your pain and where you are coming from.
I have read many empty souls pour their hearts and lives on this site and have tried to say the words that you have just wrote. Thank you for making me feel not alone in this endless fight for life to anyone who will listen.
@ dragonlove – I can tell you’re very passionate about this and like sutterly mentioned, it is very appreciated. I meant for that question for you to contemplate your situation. Perhaps it will help you find some peace knowing your friend is no longer suffering or in pain. That kind of selfless love for another can be powerful in grieving.
As for me, I suppose I wrote my last sentence poorly (“I live for other people”). It should more accurately read, I only stay alive because of other people. In many ways I already feel dead and unfortunately, it doesn’t always get better. I hear your arguments and words of encouragement and some will find great comfort from your story. For me, my life is my life and its my decision to live it (or not live it).
Since this is your post, you can take or leave my comments (I really didn’t mean for this to turn into a debate or anything), but by sharing your story here, you reached out to our community and I hope something I or anyone else said helps you with your pain.
cj, I’m very happy that suicide will be your last resort. Keep trying!
Sutterly, I’m very sorry for your loss, and thank you for letting me know I’m not alone either.
ViciousCircle, Of course it’s your life, and I wasn’t trying to debate, or put you down or anything like that. I was answering your question the best way that I could. I truly appreciate you trying to help with my pain. I have had that thought myself many times, “maybe she doesn’t hurt anymore.” The thing is I don’t know that. I don’t know what happens when you die, I don’t know if it really does get better, I don’t know if the afterlife after suicide is different from any other death. The fact is no one knows. What if it gets worse when you commit suicide? If you’re already in such a desperate place that you take everything you have from yourself, your life, what if it gets worse? It may not seem like it can get worse, but what if it does? Are you willing to take that chance? I really hope that she is in a better place now, I really, really do, because I love her, and I always will, for the rest of my life. I still don’t know though, I don’t know what happens next.
You are definitley not alone. And I can feel the pain from every letter you type.
For months after, I was in what I can best describe as being in a warp zone, I researched death and the afterlife and where did he go? What happened to him? I became obsessed with it, it made me feel closer to him. I love him too, I always will, maybe he didnt know before this but I am sure he knows now(at least I hope and pray every night before I close my eyes at night)
Stay strong dragon, its scary because suicide is contagious, the thoughts can be overwhelming sometimes.
Its fucked up, I am so against it because of how much pain he left behind. But at the same time I just want this pain to end. I believe I am a survivor though.