My father has cancer. My mother is always feeling bad. My “friends” only talk to me when they need something. The one I have a crush on thinks I am ugly. Generally everyone thinks that I am ugly. Sometimes I am thinking about it. About suicide. It helps to think about the nice moments in life, people say. Well, when I am trying to do this, I fail. Because I can’t find anything. I am socially awkward and when I try to talk to someone, they hear the first 2 or 3 words and then ignore me. Just like this, while I’m talking they go away and talk to someone else. The only reason why I am still alive, is that I believe that one day everything will change. But then I think…who would care if I would do this? Ok, my parents would. They do care about me. But right now they have other things to care about. I just don’t know how to cope with all this. Some years before everything seemed to be different, to be better. But when I think about it now, I realize it wasn’t, I just was more innocent. So what should I do? I still don’t know.
7 comments
Hi Bianca. Sorry to hear that your father has cancer. I’ve had loved ones die of cancer and it’s torture seeing them go through that. Is he getting treatments?
Sounds like you need new friends. I definitely know how that feels. If they aren’t there for you in your time of need, then they aren’t real friends. Friendship is a two-way street.
And the one that thinks your ugly? Fuck him (or her). Don’t know your orientation..
You have to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re beautiful. Don’t wait for someone to do it for you. The people who ignore you are rude and thoughtless, and they probably aren’t worth your time. Try to find people who you have things in common with, who will listen to you. You can start here! :] And go from there.
If it means anything, this complete stranger will care if you kill yourself. I hope you don’t.
Your mom is going through a tough time, as well as you. Maybe you could try talking to her about it. Tell her how you feel. Hope this helps.
Hi. Thank you for your reply, it helps to know someone cares. Well, the doctors aren’t 100% sure whatt ype of cancer he has, they say they never saw something like this before so he isn’t getting any treatment.
I know they areb’t real friends, it’s just difficult to find others…and it’s a “he”, and he’s not the only one. Since I was a little, people would tell me, directly or indirectly, that I am ugly. It’s hard to tell yourself you aren’t when evrryone else says the opposite. My mother is having a hard time herself, right now she is eveb more upset than me. I really appreciate your advice, I will think about it. I hope I won’t commit sucide. I really do. Sometimes it just seems so hard, but you are right, I should just try to reorganize my life. Thank you one again. Best wishes, Bianca
Hey, I’m sorry about your dad. My grandma had cancer. But while I was reading your post I thought that what you wrote is a lot like me. People are mean in this world and I’ve met some of them. They are deffinetly not worth your time like TheGoodGirl said. I will be your friend :). Your parents care about you a lot. They would be crushed if anything happeend to you. Please stay, at least find one motivation to keep you here and focus on it. Things can get better. And they will. You just need to keep faith and hope. You can email me if you’d like to talk. My email is ilovecupcake11@yahoo.com oh and my name is Gabby.
Thanks. I wrote you an e-mail. Best wishes, Bianca
Hi Bianca, I guess your mother will need a lot of help and support at the moment; and I think you could find a lot of strength in yourself to do that for her. You seem to be very caring and aware of what’s going on around you already. Sometimes helping and caring is the best cure for depression because you will begin to feel wanted and needed and then you can heal yourself through acts of selflessness.
Sometimes people are very cruel for reasons you can never find out and sometimes for reasons you would not even believe (envy, jealousy, insecurity). Those people are even more unhappy than you are, but they have none of your saving graces. At the moment your family needs all your effort and attention and you should concentrate on that and only that.
Bianca, you seem like such a nice person. It’s a shame that others can’t see that. I agree, it’s hard to be good to yourself when others aren’t, I can relate. But don’t give jerks the satisfaction by killing yourself. Don’t let them beat you. Don’t let them win. Be strong. It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside as long as you’re beautiful on the inside. Good luck, I wish you the best. And for your dad too. I’m here if you ever need to talk, as well.
Thank you very much for all your comments, you really give me power to survive and thanks for all your tips. It’s nice to know that other people can relate to the things you write about and not everyone is mean. Thanks.