I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead

Thinking about it all, it just makes you shake. When you keep running from something that will probably hunt you down your entire life, it really makes you paranoid. It really puts you on edge and makes you seem crazy to the masses. I’ve been shaking uncontrollably for days, and I keep trying to convince myself I’m only cold. Truth be told, the past is sneaking up on me and the anxiety is crashing in around me. I haven’t talked to very many people about anything but common lighthearted conversation for the past few days. I’m too timid. I fear I might say something that I don’t want to say or perhaps that I don’t mean in my weakness. My scars are bone dry today, I need to lotion them to keep them from beginning to peel. Everyone keeps asking if they’re self inflicted and looks at me like they dont believe when I tell them no. It isn’t though, no….these scars came from another place and another time. I often think of it as another life even. A place I’ve since tried to forget, and that only exists in stories and in my own mind. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dead. Did I die amongst those ashes of my “past”? Is this a new life, or an afterlife? I don’t feel quite real, and I don’t feel quite as much as before. Everything is quite sad for the most part. My emotions are much duller, colours of the world are much more understated. If I’m dead, I lied to them all. I told them I’d sleep when I’m dead and I can’t sleep at all.