I’ve never liked needles. I’ve never liked knives. Despite my tattoos, I’ve never been a ‘pierce the flesh’ kind of person. Blood makes me squirm. I’ve always wanted to go peacefully, with dignity, not writhing around in pain during an exit or leaving a mess for someone to clean up.
So I guess after the first failed attempt when I was 15 years old chugging down pills, I realised that just popping pills isn’t exactly a peaceful death. The stomach cramps are the worst. But it seemed like the easiest, least messy, readily available way to go at the time.
There have been a few semi-attempts since then, nothing too serious. The stomach cramps have induced me to vomit a few times after that, and then I’d end up hating myself even more for ruining my exit or wasting my pills because I haven’t got any more and I’ll have to stock up again or just because I’ve failed again and obviously I’m not taking this seriously enough.
Almost nine years on, and after years of toying with the idea and fighting it, I’m going to try again.
Last night I was going to try and OD on some temazepam washed down with half a bottle of absinth. I messaged one of my best friends, who lives interstate so he couldn’t rush over to stop me, what the lethal dose would be with my weight. He’d tried the same thing years ago and it didn’t work. Looks like I didn’t have a large enough dose of temazepam to guarantee a final curtain. When I read that, I felt the heaviest weight on my soul. So much hurt and I still had no means to escape it.
I’ve decided instead that I’m going to use an exit bag, a peaceful death. I’d done a bit of research on this method before, but now I’m looking at it seriously. I am going to take the pills I have left, wash them down with alcohol and fall asleep for the last time. If that doesn’t work, just in case, I’m going to get some disposable helium during the week from a party store and rig that up as a fail-safe. I’ve read it only takes a moment before you’re out and the helium replaces the oxygen in the bag, but your body doesn’t fight for oxygen as much like it does when there’s too much CO2 in the air.
I suppose I’ll leave a note with all the personal reasons of why and saying what I have to say to the people I love. I’ll say that if I survive with some sort of mental impairment or damage to my organs or am brain dead, I don’t want any medical intervention or life support. I just want people to realise it wasn’t just a quick overnight decision and to take me seriously. It has been years in the making, but even though circumstances in my life have changed, it hasn’t been for the better. If anything, the things that have happened over recent years have given me more than just the teenage incentive to die because you get bashed and bullied every day at school and home life isn’t all it should be.
Before, the pipe dream of having someone to come home to and a family was motivation enough. The ideal of opening my own studio or making my own beautiful animated movies was enough to keep me pushing through the hurt. I told myself I’d hang on until I had at least one short film done, so when I go I have something beautiful to leave behind.
I don’t hate life. I’ve never hated life. I would have loved to have a beautiful life. I would have loved to have experiences and something that I could claim as my own. I lived and breathed for creating beautiful things, like art and experiences and, one day, a family. I would have loved to have fallen madly in love with someone who’d fall madly in love with me in return.
Now those dreams are gone. I’ve been too hurt. I can’t live like this anymore.
My friend doesn’t want me to go, but he says if I’m going to, I should at least wait a few days for him to fly over so he can say goodbye. I’m going to ask him to please make sure I don’t wake up this time. I really respect him for respecting my decision and not giving me the “suicide is so selfish†excuse everyone else who’s not suicidal or depressed seems to dish out.
I never understood when people said that. If anything, I think it’s selfish to guilt-trip someone into staying in a terrible situation just so *you* don’t feel guilty over their death. It’s like telling someone else not to try and take a splinter out of their own finger because you can’t stand the sight of needles. It’s not like I’m an integral part of their life. Yes, I know this will make a few people cry, but they won’t cry forever. The world won’t stop turning, people will get along with their partners and their children and their friends and  their hobbies and their nights out and their nights in and occasionally, maybe,  think of me when they stumble across an old picture or a cartoon or an old memory. The hardest thing for me will be leaving behind my parents, especially my dad. I’m their only child; they’re too old to have any more now. I am so very sorry for leaving them, and I know it’ll hurt all the more because their religion is against suicide, but I just can’t carry this unspeakable burden and this broken heart anymore.
So I’m planning to do this on Friday the 16th. That leaves less than a week. I’m trying to prepare myself with everything I need to make sure it works and to do everything right this time around, but I’m afraid I’m going to wake up in a hospital somewhere. I don’t want to survive with damaged organs or impaired mental capacity. That would be a whole new hell unto itself.
I guess I just wanted someone to hear me say I’m going now.
If anyone has any tips or like to offer some helpful advice to make sure this works, or even if you have a better method for a peaceful, readily available death, please let me know in the comments. Leave me an email address to respond to or some way of contact if you like. I don’t want to be told not to do it, I don’t want to be analysed, I just want to make sure it works this time. Please, if this plea has made any of you care for my wellbeing, just help me do what I need to do as easily as possible.
52 comments
I would love to go out that way. E bag. But the truth it’s going to be a Rope.
Can you give me the name of the beautiful thing you will leave behind? I need something to help me through what I’m dealing with right now and I think it should be from someone I can relate to even if I don’t know them.
@feelingblue Unfortunately, none of my films will ever be finished now. I wish I had the time to finish them, but I just don’t have the inspiration or the energy anymore. It all seems useless.
I have the odd sketch floating around on the internet. Maybe that will be enough.
The part of your story that brought tears to my eyes was about falling madly in love with someone and having them fall madly in love with you. I lived that dream briefly. And now today I’m alone. It hurts more and more every day. I too don’t hate life. I just don’t like how it has gone for me. I want it to be better but I just feel that it never really ever will be. Someday if I finally do decide that I have finally had enough, this is going to be the way I go. I don’t want to make a mess for anyone. I just want to go to sleep and never wake again. I hope you find peace.
I’m not going to tell you how to die, but the helium hood method was not devised for people to do by themselves. It’s for assisted suicide, for terminally ill people, so the idea is you have someone with you. There are reasons for that. Do LOTS of research. If you Google around enough you’ll find more information on this blog.
@SuicideBlonde61 You don’t necessarily need another person for helium if you rig it up correctly and make sure it’s got the right kind of pressure for an even flow of gas. It just takes more preparation.
@doollite.You going with rope not H bag
@suicideblonde.Why do you need someone else their
Id prefer slitting wrists
nah,the sight of blood makes me sick
Benzoes aren’t going to kill you, you will wake up.
I take promethazine (anti convulsant) when I try to over dose, really helps thenstomach issues.
I wish I could get my hands on a hosptial bottle of phenobarbital, huge syring and it would be over.
Okay.. I am going to suggest ******** instead of oxygen. But like suicideblonde has stated it would be much better if someone else were there. I am planning to wait until January to do the ******** method. E-mail me if you would like.
I have been researching the helium method for months. Here is a link to a post that is over a year old that has some new information on it. Everybody who is thinking about using helium and the exit bag should read it.
http://suicideproject.org/2010/07/helium-hood-method/
One more thing.. there is A LOT of info on that page. You should read it all, even though some of it is dull. If you don’t want to read all of it, skip down about 3/4 of the way and read the post by irspow re: helium vs ********, and all the posts after it. But I would really recommend reading it all, because different people have had different experiences. Mess it up, and you’re likely to end up brain dead.
@sunny my email is mockingjay13 i would love it if u could email me the drsftus of what you were making.
dear sunny,
can you hear me?
i am here in california
where are you?
i want to encourage you
that those feelings can go away
that they are not you
you are that beautiful thing
can i have you?
can i keep you?
life is tough sometimes
we have an enemy
you have an opportunity
you can die without physically dying
your experience will never end
you wil never really lose consciousness
.i totally absolutely guarantee it
and there is Someone who will always be sad
over you… and parents too
please help me
help you understand
it is like you are in neutral territory now
leaving in a negative state
would be going into the hands of your enemy and His enemy
There is someone out there who wants to kill you and then torture you,
a slick fella who sends you all of these terrible feelings and thoughts
and tells you that they are your thoughts
and/or God’s thoughts
and/or everybody else”s thoughts
whatever works on you
on your emotions
on your mind
to wear you down ’til you don’t want to go on anymore
it is called oppression
you are being oppressed
by diabolical outside forces.
this is not my opinion
this is fact
i know this person
he knows me
he is my person enemy
and i am his enemy
sweetie… i know how to beat him
i love you and your maker loves you
of course we respect your choice but since you have reached out to people
and i am a person
who loves you and would like to encourage you
i want to remind you that you ARE God’s poem
and this poem that you are can be lost or be saved…. like a note on a computer program.
that enemy, he can”t kill you himself
he can only try to convince you to kill yourself
he has come to steal…. your joy
to kill you by getting you to kill yourself
and to destroy your family
don”t think he isn’t going to gloat over it to your parents when and if you are gone
he will certainly seek to destroy every shred of faith that they have
i wish you would call me 650-716~8641
well the phone bill isn’t paid yet but it will be at some point . Now i can be reached at 916 703 8455 ..today and tomorrow anyway.
I would love to hear from you
i know you don’t need to be guilted
you need to get the guilt BACK
….AWAY FROM YOU!
YOU NEED TO TURN ON IT AND
I know you can do it
_
you are very precious
and you can be wonderful
I like you
save the program (that you are)
you can edit it later if you want
you can add to it later…great stuff!
you are a treasure of darkness
talk to you later ok?
love
Diane
you can write me at my yahoo address:
thegoddessdiane
okay then 🙂
thank you for listening
please if anyone else feels inspired by my words and wants even a little tiny bit to be friends with me i would like to say that i would like to have friends and that all of these i said i think apply to many beautiful and loving people. you people who are writing are exceptional. you are writers and poets and, think about it, the thief comes to steal the most precious things. he tried to get me. but i am alive now and i am rejoicing in my heart.
any day no matter how bummed we are feeling we can always rejoice …be glad and be thankful that we are not in hell.
feelings are transitory.
you can control them with your thoughts
i would like to say more
Don’t go please, before you hear me out
respectfully yours,
Diane Thomas
I have shared my heart.
@caucanjun32 I know the pills won’t kill me on their own, it takes a lot to OD, even with alcohol. It’s just to put me to sleep long enough or the bag to work.
@thegoddessdiane I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t really appreciate people using the God card. I was raised in a religious home and after many trials and problems, after many unanswered prayers and more intimate hurt that I want to write about here, I decidded I was never going to be involved with religion again. I’d rather ignored God than face the idea a supreme being out there hates me so much, even he spits in my face. I don’t need that to add to the rest of my troubles.
@suicideblonde61 Thanks for the link. Very helpful. And I do like the idea of one of those gas masks that someone suggested instead of a bag, might see if I can source one in town today.
i am 50 now
i was 33 when i met the man for me
who would love me enough to die for me.
i had been hurt before by those who didn’t…
but my life has been full of adventure and art and travel and love since i met the man that had been planned for me….i have such a story to tell.
these are some of the negative thoughts that come to my mind ….nobody wants to know about you … knowbody cares about your life…no body wants to hear your story.
is it true? those thoughts?
i don’t have a deal with the devil,
to be cynical and dead inside.
i still remember what it is like to be a child
to be a teenager
i have made it a point to remember
because honestly i have always wanted to minister
to be the person i had wished was there for me
the mother that wanted to help and not sabatage.
dear children….i understand it, i understand all of it.
hurt… pain in your heart, your soul, your body even. i have taken the whole subject matter into very personal consideration.
but let me encourage you
be strong
be of good courage
there is a hope for you
there is a future
you can become a stronger person
able to withstand the onslaughts of negativity that seek to discourage you and destroy your life
dear child… you can go back to your father
tell him that you love him
he loves you SO much more than you know
you may be dearer to him than his own wife, though he dare not show it
I would literally like to invite people into my life
I would hold you and be as a mother
my husband said i could give you our phone number
he is in a hospital bed
he he has to take medicine for pain just to want to stay alive
he was in an accident with a horse
he stays alive for me
our children were taken away
people lost faith in
if they even ever had it
our children were from before we met
we had had them when we were young before
we met
having children is wonderful
being married to the right person is wonderful
even when it is at its worst it is wonderful
…..loyalty
i have had a life full of horses and beautiful scenery….dreams came true.
but i have more dreams
dreams worth living for
maybe worth dying for
i want you to know
i want everyone to understand
what i understand
i want people to get a perspective
dearest…we are all eternal beings
being alive in the flesh is a great priviledge
it means that we are changeable
we are mallable
we we have hope
i know because i believe
because i live it
i was a very bad person
i have come a long way
i fall short i know of what i could have been
of doing the things i …..
but i can not live in regret
regret will only destroy future potential by stealing time.
God doesn’t go around condemning people trying to make them feel guilty
reminding them of their past mistakes.
that is not the true God.
sure their are things that need to be dealt with…serious sins that have caused pain.
dearest…. i have all the reasons why someone should not commit suicide.
yeah.
come let us reason together sayeth the Lord
though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow.
all the answers are in the book.
yes i have had a beautiful life
my husband praises me
I have workes as an artist and a horsewoman and made horses beautiful for the show
and encouraged them to do their best.
I have a family of small animals.
Dogs: buddy and bunny.
Cats: biscuit and cookie, willie and kitty, ranger and tiger and powder. I got each one as kitten and gave then life. And they are a beautiful family. They too, are art.
okay well i think I will go watch some tv now.
but darling, I bet your dad would love to spend some time with you. Why don’t you go tell him what is going on. Get some hugs from him. I bet you he would make you feel right as rain.
Communicate…tell him… i need some hugs.
love is the answer baby.
all the best to you
I wish you would join me in making our fathers happy.
D.
Goddess, REALLY, nothing personal but can you make your “poetry” a little shorter? Or even better, wait til someones asks for more. I doubt anyone here will.
hahhaha…this is funny , the part where i`m planing the same exit strategy , just maybe a little faster then you
so i wont go through the part where i open up and let everyone here know of the why`s and all that , i`ll get to the point….
for myself , i`m thinking a very large bag , with an elastic around my neck , tied just tightly enough to be comfortable
i will have the alcohool and the pills on the ready , then i will place the bag over my head , and with my left hand hold the elastic around my neck stretched out . With my right hand i`ll take the pills and the alcohol , and then i`ll use both hands (thumbs) to keep the elastic stretched out enough so fresh air gets in the bag
I`ll make sure that when my hands fall down , the elastic snaps in the right place around my neck , closing the bag
the ideea is , when the sleep sets in my hands will fall down , not before , so i wont run into the issue of beeing awake while the oxigen runs low in the bag
i`ll allso be using a hoodie so i dont “feel ” the bag directly over my face , and headphones so everything goes smooh . I may even smoke a join inside the bag after a have the pills and the alcohol
i keep hearing of people who unconsciouly pull the bag off though , so i`m still thinking about some effective way of imobilizing my hands…but enough rants , if i have anything new i`ll post here…please do the same in turn
wishing you success in the first go…and sorry for my crap engrish
blablabla god blablabla
shut up
Hello all. I am trying this again, after all the research, I have purchased an industrial sized ******** tank, have the vital tubing and made the exit bag. I only have one problem. I purchased a pressure gauge and flow meter, to adjust the pressure to the right amount, but the problem is that in order to adjust the meter, you have to open the gas and you lose it while you adjust the pressure. I have asked the supplier plenty of questions about this and they have said well you need a tire kit to control the pressure so you don’t lose all the gas. This piece of equipment would interrupt the tubing from entering the exit bag. Thus, I am trying to figure out how to adjust the pressure without losing the gas in the process. People say this is so simple if you do all the research, which I have, but this would be a show stopper obviously.
Did you do it already?
I lost the love of my life on September 15 last year by the exit bag. I never saw it coming, just woke up to a lot of texts declaring his love. It completely ripped my heart out. Life is so difficult and painful, and he was my one ray of sunshine in a very dark room. I tried very hard to get through it, push past the pain. I told every single person in my life I was having trouble, and didnt think I could be strong enough to get through this loss. EVERY single person dropped out of my life, and stopped calling and visiting. If i had known, i would have gone with him. His family and my family ended up being very angry with me, like somehow I knew it was coming or was somewhat responsible. I wasn’t. I plan on leaving on Valentine’s day, about 6 months to the day of his passing. I will return home to my parents home, spend a few days pretending everything is ok, then i will go. I want to be in my hometown, as i wish to be buried there, and i can only trust my parents to make sure my arrangements are completed. I too plan on doing the bag along with the pills. I feel very strongly like he is waiting for me, and all I want is to be with him again. I am calm and scared at the same time which is why i want to be in my childhood home. it relaxes me to know I am in my old room that i grew up in. I hope you all find the peace that you are looking for. I will only have two more days to access my computer, so please send your thoughts.
Just wondered how you all are? Did the ******** work? I was so sure that the helium would work but i failed! I did all the research but it didn’t work. I’m devastated.
J Girl, I know you probably won’t see this considering how I never see you post, but no one is waiting on the other side for you. I’d hate for you to kill yourself under some misguided assumption that you’re going to be reunited. Even if there was another side humanity would have no idea how to interpret or anticipate what would happen there.
To believe in another side requires belief that life is in some way a test or training ground. To believe life is a test is to believe someone is testing you. To believe someone is testing you for their own amusement is highly illogical. Why would some cosmic being with ultimate power really care about what one insignificant human does with their life? If there was a higher power it wouldn’t have any reason not to alert us to it’s presence, nor would it make any sense to make you live 80+ years here when it could have created you to live forever on the other side.
I understand “another side” gives people hope. I don’t have a problem with that, but you’ve twisted and perverted the idea to mean that someone is waiting for you and that everything will be ok if you just go there. He’s gone though. As hard as it is, he’s gone. You, however, are not. You’re still alive and more love awaits you if you choose to find it.
Losing love is very painful. The chemistry in your brain more or less goes haywire and can be very closely compared to drug withdrawal. This is well documented and everyone experiences it to varying degrees when relationships end. You don’t have to die though. Not like this. Not in order to find someone who isn’t even waiting for you. All that’s left for you after death is an empty void of unconsciousness. Do you remember what it was like before you were born? Of course not. An educated guess would assume it’ll be largely the same. You won’t be in pain anymore, but you’ll lose all the future pleasure too.
There are more options for you There are more people who need and want your love. There are other lonely, sad people who would absolutely jump at the chance to be yours. Do place your entire life on the shoulders of one man. He’s only ONE man. Don’t deprive someone else of the commitment and pleasure you have to give. You can love again.
*I meant “don’t place your entire existence and future on the shoulders of one man”. This site needs the ability to edit comments.
I just registered on this site. I have a comment for thegoddessdiane as well as for sunny. First, to the goddess…..I have been a Christian so am familiar with the dogma you spew. The reality is, none of us contemplating suicide want to hear dogma or pie in the sky platitudes. They are boring and not helpful. I recommend animal rescue for your saving work. Also, stay away from the TV, that IS the best method for slow suicide.
sunny…….take some deep breaths and focus. If committed it is ok to follow thru, it can’t be worse than what you deal with now. Personally, I would just like someone to hold and it would all be fine, but compassionate humans are hard to find when one is HIV+. I think I will do it by way of starvation, I have come to hate pills. Hope it is what you truly want if you go thru with it. My thoughts are with you, be strong.
p.s……no one knows what awaits on the other side.
Yeah Sunny I’m in the same boat. Tall bridge, a rope or a gun I know that I couldn’t use these on myself. When I read about the hood and helium a voice in my head came clear as day and I thought to myself “I can do this.”
So many naysayers will nattle that I could wind up a vegetable or a drooling zombie. But I think life would be better for me if I were catatonic or stupid. Either way I’d be oblivious, but the exit bag works well so I have faith that I bite the dust.
I’m so grateful someone came up with the helium method. Great post and best wishes from me to you, Sunny.
It’s interesting that this of all posts is the most viewed of the day a place that HHM once occupied before it was deleted. There is no use addressing comments to Sunny or anyone else on this thread. They don’t post here anymore and just like what might have been the last documented thoughts of those that commented on HHM were lost forever, the same is likely to occur here. They celebrate life. When your dead you’re not very important at all but who gets the last laugh. If Diane is right, it’s probably God.
TheGoddessDiane, Many of us are truly sick to death of proselytizers, do gooders, and Christians proposing to hold the truth and convert us in the process of talking us out of suicide. Go work for some charity if that is your aim, but that sort of thing is really not appreciated here at all. Do you understand?
I have studied suicide methods more than probably any 10 people, as I have wrestled with it most of my life. The first time I remember wanting to take my own life I was 8 years old. I’m 37 now. I have attempted it many times only to be either talked out of it, or found and “rescued”. All this being said, I think tomorrow will be the day, and I too have chosen the exit bag as my method. I hope I find something better on the other side.I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. I guess I just want to leave some sort of record of it, even if noone reading this will know who I am. Some writing on here seem to be very cavalier in their attitude towards suicide, and some even excited. I don’t really understand that. I don’t really have any emotion about it either way. It is simply a means to an end. I can’t cope anymore and am seeking an end. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am confused. This post originated from sunny on December 10, 2011. There are several responses to it dated close to that time, then we jump to a reply from JGirl dated February 8, 2012, then to one from endofanera dated March 12, 2013. So, it appears to me that posts are recirculated and responded to over a long period of time. This bothers me. It diminishes the relevancy of the original post. Did sunny actually commit suicide? Can sunny now be found as a happy parent with children and a functioning home? Can anyone explain this information time warp? Does anyone else find it strange? Are posts lifted from the archives only to be responded to again some two years beyond the original post, as if the story of sunny has remained constant during all that time? Just seems bizarre to me but perhaps I am missing something.
@ InTheKeyofE
Who knows, perhaps he/she followed through, maybe they overcame it or got bored of the site. Its not completely beyond the realms of possibility but maybe, just maybe they had trouble with their internet service provider. So many times people set a date in the future to kill themselves and they sound absolutely certain this will happen; each and every time I see them appear either here or elsewhere on the internet months afterwards. They leave it a few months either because they want people to think they are dead which is later overtaken by the compulsion to post or maybe they just felt bad. Thats not a critisism. There shouldn’t be any pressure on anyone to follow through. Its up to them how they live their lives, how they die. These posts resurface because people type the relevant search terms into google.
Thank you for that explanation Sublimity, I was in no way attempting to dismiss the site or the people who frequent it, or the administrators who run it. Also, my heart hopes that sunny is alive and doing well. Maybe that means I want to live as well. The site is a definite plus, for those who need to vent, those who need some sort of human contact, those who just want someone to listen. Thanks again for your reply.
In the Key, Yes it can get confusing to look back and realize an original post was from 2 years ago. I think people (or at least I) get attracted by the title of the post. It seems like posts with titles referencing a specific suicide method or intention get more attention, probably because a lot of people are looking for info or for others who seem like them.
I’ve found I still get something out of the thread, sometimes, even if the original post is no longer relevant.
Yes, I learned that it may be more relevant to respond to other current posts, some of who may not notice, or care, that the original post is dated. The story, the words, are relevant regardless and that is what counts. My original thought on the matter exposes my mind wanting to think too much, a curse I have been afflicted with for some time now. I believe many of us who are suicidal may have this problem to some extent. Still, I would rather have this problem than to be void of introspection or possess a mind which questions nothing, but only reacts in response to stimuli.
im planing to leave soon too
i just made my exit bag. Going to get helium here in a bit. It will all be over for me very soon. I look forward to it. I’ve had enought.
I am still here.. took the bag off my head..
Apparently the helium exit hood worked for Bunny, may she rest in peace.
who’s bunny? To all who are leaving this world soon….I want to come too. I’ve lived my whole life alone…i’d like NOt to leave that way.
It can take up to 2 minutes to pass out on helium.
It’s the method I’ve been researching for a few months. I won’t let you know how it goes.
This is all interesting…..
I’m just a rookie so I always thought oding would be best…… guess I was wrong.
The question is though what exactly do if I don’t have that stuff at my disposal. …
With household items, what’s the best way to go?
@Ontheedgeoftherazor Sorry, but if household items did the job, none of us would be here right now :\ All you’re likely to do is make yourself really sick and/or damage your organs. If you’re determined to kill yourself, do a lot of research before attempting anything to minimize the chances of failure.
Do a lot of research. Don’t damage your orgasims. Minimize chances of failure. Okay I got it, here I go..
Look up my post.. MY detergant suicide story. =H2S
It is all household items..
I heard it said once that people who want to die succeed and the rest just need help, some human contact or to feel loved, even for just a moment. Our world is very enclosed these days, true contact is harder to feel. But it’s there. In fact it’s everywhere once you look.
I hope this thread is not going to be removed, it actually helps to read how there are so many people who are going through similar pain as me.
I myself won’t/don’t have the option to suicide, as I have young children I’m trying to protect them from the potential trauma (which in turns could make living so painful, as I can’t just go!).
But just reading that if I do have a chance to Suicide one day, there are options out there, makes me feel a bit less trapped.