July 28th, 2010by robbieinman
I only just found this site, which is pretty weird seen as I have been searching and studying suicide methods for 3 years.
Just briefly: I have known that I would take my own life for about ten years (I’m 37), and for 3 years I knew that the time was near and I started to study methods. the past year has been detailed planning.
Since I was 15 I have taken many overdoses, some of them massive (280 paracetamol, 80 sleeping pills and alcohol). Each and every time I have survived, obviously. But I warn you now, recovery is horrible, absolutely horrible, I can’t stress that enough! On 2 occasions it took me 3 days to even wake up. I would stink and I was covered in vomit (even though I had taken anti-sickness meds). The headaches were horrific and weak and dizzy feelings, and the total amnesia for weeks. But the most horrible thing was the hopelessness I felt that it had failed and I was now at a loss as to how I could escape.
I gave up on overdosing 3 years ago. I did research fatal meds but they are impossible to obtain and if you do, you have to become a criminal to do so. I then thought that the only way really of killing yourself is to hang yourself, this seems to work the most (whenever a suicide is reported it’s usually hanging). I studied this and concluded that I just couldn’t do it – you suffer – A LOT, and I’m a chicken, just the thought of gasping dramatically for breath for up to 20/30 minutes is too much to bear. So I was left with the options of either jumping in front of train or jumping off a tall building. I believe that the body’s will to survive is tremendously strong, sometimes stronger than your mental will to die. I hate it when people say stuff like ‘if you really wanted to die you would just do it’ – these are ignorant people who have no doubt never seriously considered suicide and therefore should not comment on it, it’s high-handed. So I feel sure that even though I am 100% sure I want to die, I feel that standing on a train platform about to jump in front of a train, my body simply wouldn’t do it. Same with a tall building, but maybe not as much (this is still an option I would like to delve more into) but one problem I have with this is that I am not at home, in comfort, doing it in my own time. Surely someone would spot me on a bridge or a building and come to my rescue – this is a fear of mine. It takes tremendous courage to actually do it and can take hours to take the leap. Oh and another method I chose was to take a lot of sleeping pills and alcohol and go to sleep with a plastic bag on my head. What you do its you hold the bag open with your thumb (around your neck) and as you fall asleep, your thumb lets go and hey presto! You suffocate and die! Well, I’m still here, so you don’t! No matter how many pills and booze I had, my damn body would not fall asleep, instead it panicked and I tossed and turned and cried and got angry. Despite this, I tried 2 more times. Same result everytime. I thought that if it was something I got used to doing, i wouldn’t panic so much. But the body is not stupid, it doesn’t want to die, it’s programmed to survive and all costs.
So, after much studying and self analysis, I came across the helium hood method that I seemed comfortable with. I also bought the book, The Final Exit and it seems to be the preferred method in there. What happens is, you fill a bag with helium and put if over your head (specific instructions not detailed from me here as they are long and you can find them online), and within 7-9 seconds you become ‘braindead’ so you pass out, then you die within 20 minutes. I did this, following all the instructions (minus one small one that I have included further down) and I remember putting the bag over my head (after 1.5 days of literally sitting there trying to get the strength to do it), and feeling that it smelt and felt fine, so I immediately relaxed. I can only remember the first 2-3 seconds so I must have passed out very quickly. Then I woke up 12 hours later with the helium tanks empty and the hood placed next to me, and vomit on the bed. I was DEVASTATED because I was absolutely sure that if only I could find the strength to pull the hood over my face, I would die. But yet again, I didn’t.
I was deeply depressed and reclusive for about 6 weeks. I even contacted the chap that wrote the book and has the website with threads discussing this method. He told me that ‘for some reason you removed the hood, only you know why’ and now he wont respond to me. I asked him how I could have removed the hood if I was ‘brain dead’? Also, I checked the inside of the hood and it was full of droplets so I must have been breathing inside that bag for way more than just a few seconds?
Anyway, I have no idea how or why I removed the hood if I was brain dead, I can only console myself with the idea that I hadn’t reached that stage yet. So, I am trying this method once again and this time I am going to handcuff myself (I will pull down the hood using a string attached to it – I can pull down, but can’t pull up – perfect). I am also going to restrain my neck so that I can’t lower my head to my handcuffed hands. Oh and the little thing that I forgot to do with the method the first time around was that I did not exhale all the air from my lungs before lowering the hood. Maybe that was a factor in the method failing? I believe that if I was only unconscious, not brain dead, then the body’s will to survive can overcome that and still act in it’s best interest – not in yours.
So, I thought I would list everything that I have tried in case it is helpful to anyone on here and I would also love some feedback on this helium hood method if anyone has any experience or information. I can’t find any sites that say this method does not work.
By the way, the reason I am still alive today is because you would not believe the actual strength it takes to make that final move. This has been the biggest shock to me. I am so determined (and I thought, pretty fearless) that I did not expect in a million years that when it actually came to it, it would be so hard. It has nothing to do with me wondering even a tiny bit if I do in fact, want to die. I do. I know that for sure. But I am scared of pain, of survival and worst of all, surviving with massive damage.