<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-58739" title="Becca hi my name is Becca im 13 years old. My two best friends are brittany and kaitlyn and i love them to death. My favorite sports are gymnastics and basketball . I sing in my school chior and i recently moved to texas from washington state in march of last year. But i have a deadly secret. I’m sucidal and i cut . And was recently put into a mental hospital 3 weeks ago for a week for attempted sucide and cuttting. Now you may ask why. Why would a girl like me do so much harm to myself.. well heres my story from the day i was born.
I was an accident. My mom was never planning to give birth to me and when she try to get a abortion it didnt work. After my birth she abused and neglected me and my 2 brothers. My dad worked in the miltary and was rarley home so she was able to do anything she liked to us with out his knowledge. Me and my 2 brothers are half brothers and i am their half sister. My mom was dating 2 other guys and had them each with a diffrent guy. Finally after coming home time and time again my dad decided to get a divorce from my mom. By this time my mom had lost custody of my 2 brothers and they now live with my grandma and grandpa (her parents) My mom told my dad she was gonna take me to see my grandma and then they can debate the divorce and who would get custody of me. Instead she ran away with me for a year. My dad got custody of me a year later after being missing for 4 months then put in foster care. I also got a restriaing order agaist my mother and she hasnt been allowed to see me since. My dad soon met a girlfriend from work . Karen. I lived with her and my dad in 2 bedroom apartment where she turned abusive hitting me for complaing i was hungry or bugging her while she was drinking or sleeping. I had a cat named missy and she told my dad he had to get rid of her or she would kill the cat. My dad gave it to his co-worker Lucia to watch. Soon my dad fell in love with her and dumped Karen for her. We then rented a 3 bedroom house far away from the apartments where Karen lived. On 8-8-08 my dad and lucia got married making her my offical new step mom. I was happy again. i had just started kindergarden that year . In second grade i started to get bullied by my class. They would literally chase me around and recess hitting me and saying unbeliveable things to me. When i was 5 till i was 8 my grandpa (from my dads side) had raped me repeatly. i didnt know that it was wrong and i let it happen night after night. When i finally told my dad the night my grandpa died my dad was shocked. He told my grandma who called me a liar and told me she hated me. She died 3 years later… still hating me. Also a few months after coming clean about my grandpa my brother raped me. I didnt tell till a year ago was i was 11-12. i felt ashamed and violated. I went to court on october 2 this year after preparing for the court case for about a year now. We came back 11-1 . everyone believed me except one for they were undecided. That led to what happened next. My brother asked till november 17 to take my plea deal or not. On november 8 i finally hit my breaking point cutting my arms . ( i hadnt cut since 6th grade and now im in 8th) i was also planning my death the day the school found out about the cuts. they requiered i was put into a mental hospital. Their i was put on triacdon (for sleeping/ insomnia) zulof (depression/ ptsd) and visteral (ptsd -post tramatic stress disordor) i got out a week later feeling worse then ever. I went 3 days with out cutting after getting out and ever since ive been cutting. But not my arms anymore my legs. My friends hate it and say at times its only for attention. I dont tell them about the cutting anymore. Their also sucidal to and have sucidal burst every week or so . I dont tell them when i wanna die. they day i was gonna kill my self i wasnt even gonna mention it i was just gonna tell them i loved them and goodbye and that i see them soon and that night i would overdose on my prenatal vitiams cause they contained iron (for my anemia) I never got to that point. Now sucide is on my mind day and night. I cut in school after school before school its all i can think . whens the next time i can cut when when when. It helps me focus it makes me feel in control of somthing. I can control how deep and the pain . its the only thing i can control and i dont know how i can do with out it. I just want to find a way to get out to be happy again.. will i ever be happy again?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
18 comments
Zulof? Or zolof? o.o
Sorry just making sure…cuz zolo adds on to sleepiness 😀
That or I’m getting my anti-depressants confused :/
Ur story sounds so horrible I don’t want ot believe it.
But deep down I feel that sadly it’s true and someones still alive after all that.
Becca,
I saw that you left this today. I don’t know what time but I hope you check back soon. I will not say I know how you feel. Because I hate when people say that. No one feels the same as anyone else. All I know is I read this and felt this overwhelming need, out of all these posts, to reply to you.
Because even though I’m almost twenty, I’m still a little girl inside. I don’t mean that to say that you’re little. Because you have dealt with more than most 90 year olds. But I know what it’s like to have to grow up young. To be forced to create this skin around yourself to deal with the cards you’ve been dealt. And I also know how good it feels to slice into that skin. To try and find that person inside that you were…or could have been.
I’m not going to write you an essay on here in case you don’t want to hear it. And I understand if you don’t. But I would really love to talk to you. Not to tell you what to do or lecture you on the meaning of life because God knows I don’t know what it is. But as an equal. As another girl. To listen and to talk. And who knows. Maybe sharing will make each of our days just a little bit more bearable.
My phone # is 973-747-7015. Please text me. And if you can’t text then email me. at emkri47@aol.com
Please think about it.
I’m Emma, by the way
My goodness… your story is soul wrenching.
The things you went through.
I wish I could hug you dear one.
All I can say is to do your best to find a counselor that can help you through your trials.
And know that there are people who do understand.
Maybe a women’s abuse/rape group where you can speak and bond with ladies who have been through the same.
I really do hope things improve for you.
Your story sounds so painful. I am so sorry you had to live through such horrific things. I can identity with many pieces of your story. I, too, was around your age when I had my first hospitalization for psychiatric issues, mainly cutting. A lot of sexual abuse survivors use cutting as a means to cope with their pain. You said you do it to feel in control. I get that; that was one of the reasons I used to cut myself too. I was repeatedly raped as a child, so that makes sense to me. I just want to caution you about one thing. It is easy to loose control of the cutting. After I had been doing it for 5 years, I started loosing control of how deep I cut. I wasn’t trying to kill myself by cutting, but a lot of people saw it that way. As a result, I was hospitalized several more times for that reason. At one point, I needed 40 stitches. I have that horrific scar now for life. It is high up on my arm (I did not want anyone to see it), so now I can’t wear certain clothes, like tank tops or shirts that have really short sleeves. I just hope you don’t regret it someday like I do. Now that I am an adult, I end up having to explain my scars to every guy I get into a relationship with. It’s embarrassing, and a lot of people do not react very nicely. Cutting gives the illusion of control, but really, it ends up controlling you.
Becca,
I saw that you left this today. I don’t know what time but I hope you check back soon. I will not say I know how you feel. Because I hate when people say that. No one feels the same as anyone else. All I know is I read this and felt this overwhelming need, out of all these posts, to reply to you.
Because even though I’m almost twenty, I’m still a little girl inside. I don’t mean that to say that you’re little. Because you have dealt with more than most 90 year olds. But I know what it’s like to have to grow up young. To be forced to create this skin around yourself to deal with the cards you’ve been dealt. And I also know how good it feels to slice into that skin. To try and find that person inside that you were…or could have been.
I’m not going to write you an essay on here in case you don’t want to hear it. And I understand if you don’t. But I would really love to talk to you. Not to tell you what to do or lecture you on the meaning of life because God knows I don’t know what it is. But as an equal. As another girl. To listen and to talk. And who knows. Maybe sharing will make each of our days just a little bit more bearable.
My phone # is 973-747-7015. Please text me. And if you can’t text then email me. at emkri47@aol.com
Please think about it.
I’m Emma, by the way
There are no accidents in life…period, only our perception of it. Look at your life with the attitude of perfection…all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly. Honor your feelings and hit something, no need to take it out on you….freak out, get out the bottled up anger and hurt…feel it…your young so you can do this. Find a counselor to help you. There is no shame or guilt, nor is any of this your fault. Allow yourself to only listen to how you feel and what you want. You’re worth it and have a great life ahead of you. Fill your head with healthy, good feeling thoughts. All the stuff your mom is telling you is garbage….why?, because it doesn’t allow you to feel good about you, and only people who truly love and care about you will support that. Check out John Bradshaw’s clips on youtube called Homecoming. Your so young to have to be dealing with this…you deserve to be having fun, and enjoying your life….Be strong, and do a little homework so you have the answers and won’t be duped by people telling you things that you have every right to feel. Take good care of you, as best you can.
thanks guys :/ for the advice.. but i dont think i can do this anymore.. i think tonight im gonna end it. im sorry thanks for your help..
…goodnight. and in the words of ronnie james dio die young
No Becca! please call me or text me. Just try it. Please. I promise it will get better. please
If you’re still with us tomorrow, it’s okay. Good vibes your way.
Hurm….I’d say, try and give life a chance for a few more years.
I kept my depression secret for many years to see if I life might be different in a couple years. Not a drastic difference, but enough to make it bearable. I was wrong. It’s still worth a try hanging on a bit longer. Yeah you’ll suffer a few more years, but give it a shot. Hopefully soon I’ll be moving away, far away so I can get away from everything. Do what you will but stop and think it through deary. Death cannot be undone.
im still hear cause one of the users on here stalked me down and is now talking to me on the phone
I feel sad for you. I wish I could have been your dad. There are good people out there. You didn’t deserve all that. I’m not going to tell you what to do, I’d be a big fat hypocrite, but at least come back tomorrow. Procrastinate. 🙂
David
Telling everyone what happened and going to the police must not have been an easy thing to do. When you get older new opportunities will become available and you can put this behind you. If I were your friend I would think you were really cool so there is no reason why you can’t recover. Stephen Hawking lost the ability to move and speak but it did not stop him. There are many people throughout history who have suffered at the hands of others. I have never understood why people get so much satisfaction from causing others misery. It is our duty to ensure that the good things in this world are preserved. 70 million people died as a consequence of world war 2. Some of the worst crimes in history took place at concentration camps in Poland. The Luftwaffe and waffen SS would carry out experiments on the captures whilst they were alive. It is difficult to imagine what families must have gone through at that time. The survivors did not give up hope. Those who fought ensured that we could live and that history would not be repeated.
Someone tracked you down? Thank goodness. You don’t deserve any of this. Useless sentence, because really, no one does. I hope whoever got to you stopped you. I wish i could wrap you up inside some kind of healing cocoon, but alas, that sort of thing only works in the imagination.
i will be making a new post about what happened recently in my so called “life” add me on here and on facebook. i wanna surrond myself with people who love and support me so one day i may be happy again .
if you have hope then you will…
All i can do for you i think is answer your question.
Yes you could be happy again. im 100% positive.
1, you dont have a mental illness, you were abused. Y
2,By the sound of it you have an ok dad and okish friends. You need a good support group
3, you want to be happy. you can be happy.
So, find someone you can talk to about this stuff. someone here would be best. they know what your going through.
Also insted of cutting try setting goals, write the gaol on your hand and wall and on a piece of paper. keep it on your mind. and keep your mind away from cutting. its bad 🙁
A goal like an A in math. or Learn to type at 70 wps. something, anything.
Hope this helps.
If your ever realy stuck you can email me at thelightinthedarknes@hotmail.com
I have a good feeling your gona be ok. Stay strong. chin up.
🙂