The Past

I joined this site because I want to write out my past experiences with suicide. It all started when I was the age of 14. I’m 17 years old now. I remember I was in middle school. I tried to hang myself, but failed. I kept passing out and waking up on the floor. I eventually got tired and gave up. I know a person who tried the same thing and they became a vegetable. I’m glad that didn’t happen to me.

The second time was about a year ago. I cut my wrist really deep and I have to be honest… I got scared, called 911 but hung up because I thought wait what am Idoing? I wanted this. I thought I had hit my vein. Once again I gave up thinking it wasn’t even worth the effort but also felt a bit better because I had cut myself. I can say that self-harming has saved my life more than once. So then a few months after that I had threatened to kill myself and was referred to an adolescent psychiatric hospital for 9 days by my school counselor.

2 weeks ago I overdosed on my antidepressants, Wellbutrin and Prozac. At the time I didn’t even consider it to be a suicide attempt but the more I think about it I truly believe that it was. The whole situation was confusing and still is to me. I wasn’t feeling all that bad actually but I wanted to do it. And didn’t care if I died. I downed 60 pills. I went to sleep. When I woke up I had thrown up. My mom saw some pills in my vomit and knew. We went to the hospital and they gave me IV fluids. My stomach couldn’t be pumped because my body had absorbed the pills already. I started hallucinating, which was a symptom of the overdose. I was seeing and hearing things. The hallucinations lasted for 5 days and it was happening a lot. Almost consistently. I was referred to another adolescent psychiatric hospital for 5 days. I got out a week ago.

I don’t know if I will ever try to kill myself again. I really hope not. I’m doing everything in my power not to. But if I ever feel I need to die I have a plan set out. I’m going to go to a different town and walk in front of a train. Quick and painless. It’d be a success. Well that’s my story with suicide. By the way, I feel hopeful for my future. Have a good day 🙂 Cheers!