I know when, I have a pretty good idea of how, and I think I know where. It’s just a case of if I can wait that long, its nearly 4 months away, if I can continue to pretend to care, if I can act normal.
I also have considered the people I will have left behind, and I have selected what I hope to be the right book to send to each of them when the time is right. Yes I have people that I may care enough for to wish that they will realise why I have chosen this path, and that it shouldn’t affect theirs. No, they are not a reason to live.
My goal is for it to be painless, I just want to close my eyes and never open them again. I wish I could get some pentobarbital, however I have what I think is the next best thing. My fear is it failing, I’ve read stories on here of people waking up with the bag missing from their head. Yes I’ve got restraints, though it still scares me. My backup plan is not as safe for others, however hopefully it will not be necessary.
Up until a couple of years ago there has always been a reason for me not to, now that reason is gone. Sure I got people who may pretend to care, but the minute I am outta sight, I am forgotten. The other day someone made a comment that apparently someone dying in an exam got everyone full marks, and someone should take one for the team. They didn’t realise I heard, but it was my name meantioned….
Is posting here a plea for help? No, I just need to write this somewhere so that when it is time I can show that it wasn’t spontanious, that it was truly what I wanted. That I have considered it, planned it, and if the time has passed, executed it perfectly. It just needs to be at that time.
Heres to the 79 days I’ve got left to struggle through, somethings in life you can’t control, however there is always one thing you can.
2 comments
I wouldn’t waste my death helping out some assholes who are stoic enough to say what they did.
I wouldn’t condone you killing yourself but I know that’s a decision we’re all struggling with on here, so no judgments here.
– I would say that if you were to kill yourself that you should do it for you, at the time YOU feel is right and in whatever way you decide.
I know that if it were me I’d write a note for those jerks so they could understand how soulless their comments were, how my death is more important than their silly old test scores and with any luck, it might change their life forever and level their heads out.
Me, I hope you don’t do it. But if you do, I wish you a happy voyage and I genuinely hope those jackasses fail their precious test.
I don’t know you (Obviously. Anonimity is kind of the point of this site) But I’ve been where you are now. I made a plan, months in advance. The situation may not be exactly the same, but it’s true. I won’t rant on and on about how suicide isn’t the answer, because I’d rather not be a hypocrite. You mentioned some people who pretend to care. Well, I don’t know those people, and I can’t say anything about them. But just know that I care. I really do.