I have come so far! I started contemplating suicide at the age of 6! probably not an accurate number but i was that young. I am 25 now! I have cried so hard everytime i tried, but now there is a sense of peace that overcomes me when i think of going through with it. The only thing that makes me weep is when i think about the turmoil i will cause my 2 daughters. I am a great father. i wonder if i was a dead beat, would this be easier. Almost everything about my life makes me want to end it all. My thoughts of suicide began because i wanted my memories of my aunts husband molesting me to end. Now, its financial problems and loneliness. I think suicide has become my plan B for life. I believe i would still contemplate it if all of these worries and burdens were lifted because it has become the seams of my existance. I want to perish from this world. i no longer desire to play this game called life. i feel like it is a pissing contest between God and satan, and I dont yet understand why I was included. God, I repent for what I just said, but u know my heart better than i do. I mean no disrespect but thats just my position. i can lie to everyone but God and myself. I feel like im at the end
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It seems that you think your life is totally meaningless and absurd.That’s a common sentiment.I sometimes feel that I have been created by the creator of this world just so that I lead an absurd ,painful and agonizing life until I drop dead.I can really relate to what you say.
yea, its really hard for me bc i tried to tell my family abt it and they make me feel like im some piece of shit for thinking abt it. like ive done something wrong. my dad says im too young to be thinking tht i hv more value dead then alive. im tired of this feeling; i just need to muster the courage to do it. i just dont want to hurt my girls. i dnt want them to seek love from other men, but i dont want to wake up another morning feeling the way i do now. but like my dad says, “You order shit, you have to eat it”…. i guess i hv a face full of it right now. death has to be easier
People who don’t have such thoughts/urges don’t understand what it’s like to feel like that. They can’t help it. It’s like trying to explain the colour blue to a blind person.
You admit that your girls would be upset if you died. Is there any way you can make that reason enough to live? Or at least put it off until they’re old enough to understand at least a bit? I’m only curious. Only you can judge the amount of pain that you’re in. I’m sorry for all that you’ve been through.
If it helps (and it probably won’t so don’t feel bad) I believe in balance. So for there to be happy people (you know those shiny people that see good in everything) there has to be unhappy people that suffer equally to their joy. So, in a way, by me being alive and as I am, I’m helping someone else be happy. Ok, it doesn’t work all the time (or most) but sometimes…kinda. I’m sorry – none of that probably made any sense at all. Sorry.
my daughters are the only reason im still here. at least i believe that. i can understand wat u mean though. im trying to hold off until theyre older but i keep wondering if doing it now will be better bc they r so young and can forget. not forget, but tomorrow they will b playing again. i totally agree that life is abt balance. i believe too that not everyone cld hv lasted this long w the pain that i feel. i try to believe that GOD gave me these burdens bc he knew i could bear them, but what if I cant. And if i say that, im calling Him a liar. im confused and dont really know what to do or believe rght now. i keep seeing this way out though- the DeathOption smh
It’s hard to know what to do for the best – especially when considering other people and not just yourself. I don’t know how old your daughters are but, even if they’re so young that they won’t remember you, they’ll still probably be told what you did when they’re old enough to ask. I guess they’d end up asking themselves why they weren’t enough to keep you alive longer. Kids have this way of blaming themselves for things like that. And if they don’t remember you they’ll always wonder what you were like. Maybe they’ll see you as a bad person for leaving them (and then feel guilty for feeling that way) or, more likely, they’ll romanticise you and your decision. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing either. I’m not sure there IS a good way to leave your kids, if that makes sense.
If it helps, I’m in a similar position (at least when it comes to living for someone else) so I’ve been thinking about this a lot too.
i understand, and i agree entirely. there is no way to prove to them that i love them other than sticking arnd and showing them. its just a struggle… quite frankly, im tired of it
I know the feeling and it’s not like you’ll get any thanks for it – they don’t understand the struggle involved. I try not to think of the future. Just moment by moment. And I try and distract myself by various means – games, tv and sites like this. Maybe that will help you too. I don’t know. I’m sorry I’m not any help.
People that suffer Child abuse often keep these memories and replay them over and over in their ‘minds’, re-living their past over and over like a ‘bad tape’.
Sadly, many people grow up and think they are damaged goods. There is no such think as damaged goods. Just thoughts ~ be they positive or negative.
Abuse suffered by youth, be it sexual, bullying, relationship, etc is never their fault. Only the perpetrators.
Whilst ‘they’ may have damaged a day/week/year of your life, the question you must ask, will i let them destroy another day/week/year of my life?
The past you cannot change. The future you can.
You are your children’s role model, not just carer. Now go show them what you can do …. and teach them to strive for a ‘better self’ …..as should you.
Life is never easy, adopt some resilience & a positive attitude.
Forget the past, start the future.
Ad Astra Per Aspera