Cancer

Today I found out about one more person I know who has cancer. Seems like there has been so many and so many deaths lately and I guess my point in all that is that I would trade them in a heart beat. It makes no sense to me why someone like me who could give a shit if I am on this crap planet another second lives and someone else who wants to live, gets cancer or some other illness. I am 39 years old and question everything I have ever done in my life. Question who I am, question it all. I am in such an awful place. How messed up are you when you deliberately think about getting addicted to something, when you know you are tapping on the door of it and don’t care, at least it would be a change of scenery. I think that if you are a person who thinks about suicide as a kid it changes you, it never really leaves your thinking. I was 9 and tried to kill myself. How sick is that psyche? It’s not better 30 years later. The boredom is exruciating, the thought of every day being just like this one is exhausting. I do not want a million reasons to live, I do not want a lecture from the God Squad, been there done that and if I can’t feel anything that resembles love for myself I sure as hell can’t for an imaginary guy in a cloud. A guy who is supposed to be so benevolent but exacts hell in his wayward sheep in the thinking like I have and so many others. F’ him you know what I mean. I know this is scattered and all over the place, just felt good to say some of it. What happens when you feel so messed up and get on the Internet to look for some kindred spirits. I don’t want someone to give me BS reasons to stay, I need someone to say I know what that feels like because soul sick is what I am on the inside and always will be and get tired of scrambling to pull normal off on the outside. I’m really tired.