it all started when i was in 5th grade. everything was fine until this older student transferred to our school. my friends and i started quarreling but most of the time, it was me against them. i don’t know what was in me that they liked to argue with me. there was never a month that we won’t argue. and whenever i’m not friends with them, they’d bully me, inside or outside the school. this made me seek for attention from this older student so  they won’t do it to me anymore(cause she kinda have control to my friends. she decides for the rest of the group.) i can still remember that one afternoon that i made fun out of myself right in the center of the stage just to please them so i can be part of the group again. the teachers noticed that i haven’t been hanging out with them and i was spending most of my time with the “unpopular” ones so they asked me the reason why but i refused to tell them, because i was afraid that my friends would confront me again. but the teachers found out, they started treating me well and gave me loads of things to do, idk if they were just trying to distract me or what. but one teacher told that it was a good thing i don’t go with them anymore because they were a bad influence to me and the more that i felt lost. so i started answering back to my father and that was the time i got slapped. painful it was. tsk tsk but the stitch was, the more i do better in my studies and the more that they hated me, the more that i hated my father. they kept on bullying me until it was 2 days before the graduation, they made up with me but i knew it wasn’t sincere because i could feel it.
as soon as i started high school, i didn’t keep in touch with them. we turned as acquaintances. i had a great time during my high school years, it was a whole lot of fun, got new friends who were totally different from my grade school friends. i was happy, got no issues with my friends but then family issue came. my father would drink everyday and wouldn’t go home if he’s not so drunk. but one day, he needed a therapy for him to be able to walk properly again because he slided while playing basketball and if he won’t take that therapy, he could be in the wheelchair for his entire life. okay, and i couldn’t care less about him. i still hate him for slapping me. >>:3Â on the other hand, my mother was bankrupt. her liabilities were more than her assets. and she was sending me and my sister to school on her own and at the same time, buying the meds of my father. then, we went from riches to rags. i graduated from high school, and i still hated my father for being so irresponsible. >.<
college came. my parents couldn’t afford to send me to a university in this city but i insisted so my relatives paid for it. little did i know that studying in this city in the care of my relatives would be a hell-like experience. it’s the worst decision i ever made in my life. i thought it’s gonna be okay because they’r my relatives and they’d help me out, but they didn’t. they’re making it more hard for me. my relatives and my parents, esp my mother, are always arguing. i failed two subjects and now, my mom and dad are not in a good state. my mom’s planning to divorce my dad. i lost my motivation to go to school and to do something else. :3 i’ve been taking prozac for a year and a half already. and it’s effective, it has helped get through tough times. but now, the state of family is not in very good condition and i’m so stressed out. i’ve been contemplating suicide recently. the pain too bear is just too much. PEACE. is that too much to ask for? :(((((