I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I can say what’s gone wrong in my life. But feeling depressed has been normal since I was very young. I can’t really remember what started everything but I remember being bullied from age five up until I was sixteen. Sounds pretty sad, not one year of school where I wasn’t bullied and alienated. My parents when I was young, was well great. It’s just my Dad’s temper got worse when my half-sister became a druggie. Heroin, Coke, you name it, the police found it. She would steal from my parents and wouldn’t know me. Got pregnant a few times by druggies and drug dealers. Regardless, I was sheltered from knowing. But my Dad often took his anger and frustration out on my Mum. Threw things at her and beat her with things… I could see the bruises but I was too scared to ask or talk to anyone about it. I didn’t get along with my Dad for a long time. Sometimes we’ll laugh but then he’ll snap and take it out on me. For a while, I got used to that.. it was only verbal abuse.

It’s like having a dog barking at you repetitively, sooner or later, you just drown it out. The day my Mum finally divorced his arse was when he shouted at me for a while, right in front of me and threatened to beat me up. Wanna know why he got so angry? I was gunna be late for school. He forcefully pushed me through the door,  fought off my mum and drove me to school. He said all kinds of things but I blocked it out. Finally when we reached the school, I waited until he drove off and then I broke down crying when the teacher at the gate asked what’s wrong. I got sent to my head of year and when he called my house phone and asked my Mum that perhaps it’s better if I go home. She said, I was safer at home.  Only time I can recall my head of year looking that shocked. That year, I tried to kill myself.. just didn’t have the balls to do it, still don’t.

I’m 19 now and I was 15 when that happened. I still see my Dad though I still resent him for what he did then and bits that he does now. To throw a example out there, would be last week. I did leave this a little to the last minute but I asked my Dad if he could pay the university application fee. It’s £22. He said he doesn’t think so and just wanted to leave and see his girlfriend. I said, please, I really want to go to university and I just need £22. He said, no you left this to the last minute. I asked if he even cared if I go to university or not. He said, he didn’t give a **** if I did or didn’t. I usually block what he says but this time, that really hurt. I remarked, fine go see your stupid girlfriend. He glared at me like he wanted to hit me and said, that’s it, you’re on your own and walked out.

He hasn’t said sorry though he did check the next day if I sent it or not. ( I did). I live with my Mum and I wish I can talk to her about things but being with my Dad for nearly 20 years has made her emotionally lost.. if I can call it that. She’s not really there any more and stays in the house all day.  Due to people leaving for university and changing as people do, I have few people who I can talk to. I’m not completely hopeless, I do have some very good friends. They just have a lot of their own problems right now.

With the ex’s.. well I only have three so not bad for my age. I dumped the last one a few months ago because I couldn’t feel anything any more. It’s weird, I look at him and I can’t see anything any more. I expressed I was sorry but I couldn’t help how I feel. I think he feels a resentment and I don’t really blame him. The guy before him has tried it with me and confused me like hell. I have feelings for him but he treated me pretty badly in the past. Like making me cry and sneering, kind of bad and putting me down. What a catch..

I struggle to emotionally connect to people so I act like someone else so no one can guess how I’m really feeling on the inside. This bright, bubbly and hilarious girl who has it great and always party. I can’t show anyone that really I’m quite sarcastic and cynical once you separate me from a group. Two of my old friends got angry at me for trying to smooth over a argument between them and my ex especially, when I refused to take sides. Since then, I’ve lost them. That really hurt for a while, I really valued their friendship. I  sleep too much though I’m trying to eat and drink normally. It struck me when I was in a textiles workshop today, (what I’m applying to do) usually when I create art, I feel better. I still felt distracted and contemplating how I will kill myself. I want to keep going but due to failed relationships, being both my ex’s, friends and family.. I struggle to see the light.

Anyway, thank you for reading.