I can say what’s gone wrong in my life. But feeling depressed has been normal since I was very young. I can’t really remember what started everything but I remember being bullied from age five up until I was sixteen. Sounds pretty sad, not one year of school where I wasn’t bullied and alienated. My parents when I was young, was well great. It’s just my Dad’s temper got worse when my half-sister became a druggie. Heroin, Coke, you name it, the police found it. She would steal from my parents and wouldn’t know me. Got pregnant a few times by druggies and drug dealers. Regardless, I was sheltered from knowing. But my Dad often took his anger and frustration out on my Mum. Threw things at her and beat her with things… I could see the bruises but I was too scared to ask or talk to anyone about it. I didn’t get along with my Dad for a long time. Sometimes we’ll laugh but then he’ll snap and take it out on me. For a while, I got used to that.. it was only verbal abuse.
It’s like having a dog barking at you repetitively, sooner or later, you just drown it out. The day my Mum finally divorced his arse was when he shouted at me for a while, right in front of me and threatened to beat me up. Wanna know why he got so angry? I was gunna be late for school. He forcefully pushed me through the door, Â fought off my mum and drove me to school. He said all kinds of things but I blocked it out. Finally when we reached the school, I waited until he drove off and then I broke down crying when the teacher at the gate asked what’s wrong. I got sent to my head of year and when he called my house phone and asked my Mum that perhaps it’s better if I go home. She said, I was safer at home. Â Only time I can recall my head of year looking that shocked. That year, I tried to kill myself.. just didn’t have the balls to do it, still don’t.
I’m 19 now and I was 15 when that happened. I still see my Dad though I still resent him for what he did then and bits that he does now. To throw a example out there, would be last week. I did leave this a little to the last minute but I asked my Dad if he could pay the university application fee. It’s £22. He said he doesn’t think so and just wanted to leave and see his girlfriend. I said, please, I really want to go to university and I just need £22. He said, no you left this to the last minute. I asked if he even cared if I go to university or not. He said, he didn’t give a **** if I did or didn’t. I usually block what he says but this time, that really hurt. I remarked, fine go see your stupid girlfriend. He glared at me like he wanted to hit me and said, that’s it, you’re on your own and walked out.
He hasn’t said sorry though he did check the next day if I sent it or not. ( I did). I live with my Mum and I wish I can talk to her about things but being with my Dad for nearly 20 years has made her emotionally lost.. if I can call it that. She’s not really there any more and stays in the house all day. Â Due to people leaving for university and changing as people do, I have few people who I can talk to. I’m not completely hopeless, I do have some very good friends. They just have a lot of their own problems right now.
With the ex’s.. well I only have three so not bad for my age. I dumped the last one a few months ago because I couldn’t feel anything any more. It’s weird, I look at him and I can’t see anything any more. I expressed I was sorry but I couldn’t help how I feel. I think he feels a resentment and I don’t really blame him. The guy before him has tried it with me and confused me like hell. I have feelings for him but he treated me pretty badly in the past. Like making me cry and sneering, kind of bad and putting me down. What a catch..
I struggle to emotionally connect to people so I act like someone else so no one can guess how I’m really feeling on the inside. This bright, bubbly and hilarious girl who has it great and always party. I can’t show anyone that really I’m quite sarcastic and cynical once you separate me from a group. Two of my old friends got angry at me for trying to smooth over a argument between them and my ex especially, when I refused to take sides. Since then, I’ve lost them. That really hurt for a while, I really valued their friendship. I  sleep too much though I’m trying to eat and drink normally. It struck me when I was in a textiles workshop today, (what I’m applying to do) usually when I create art, I feel better. I still felt distracted and contemplating how I will kill myself. I want to keep going but due to failed relationships, being both my ex’s, friends and family.. I struggle to see the light.
Anyway, thank you for reading.
16 comments
Childhood truama is one of the worse things to go through – and the fact that it continued makes it worse.
Its hard losing relationships (bfs, gfs, friends) but sadly thats life… It is painful but friends come and go.
Hang in there,
It sure is and thank you for commenting 🙂 I’ll try.. I’m trying to stop feeling so distant from people so this is quite helpful 🙂
You are welcome.
We all share a common bond here – pain. Sometimes people here disagree on things, but in the end we are all brothers and sisters in some form of agony. This is a place to vent and to express onesself. Please do it whenever you need to.
Wow, finally someone puts it in a way that I agree. So fed up of people badmouthing those who are having a hard time. Will do, I’ll give myself more time 🙂
we can hold hands in darkness together. share some warmth deep down. even i am far far away. You have a tender and beautiful soul. I wish I can protect you. It ‘s your dad who deserves suffering, not you.
I just remember all the biology classes said our body, even any single cell is so preciously miraculous, and why as heavenly made as us human , have to come here on earth and suffer this much, seem without much sense to me. I am just someone who cannot feel happiness , period, as if i am doomed. no way out, not even love can help me. Maybe after all , love came too late, my heart and soul is already dead and dried out and ruined. I am already totaled, like a wrecked car, awaiting destruction.
I can relate to you a little bit. Not with the abusive dad, I’m sorry you had to put up with that for so long and still do. But I have a drugged up half-sister, she actually does the same drugs that you said your half-sister is into. When I was younger they tried to hide it from me. That’s what my sister wanted. But even when you’re a kid you know when something isn’t right. I was never close to my sister, and we haven’t spoken in years.
I am 20, and I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, really. I have lost friendships as well – friends that have left for college. It does hurt. And it hurts for a long time, especially if you were very close. But, it happens. It’s all a part of growing up.
You seem to have shown some strength in dealing with your dad, even if it’s just blocking him out. I would suggest that you do that as often as you can. If there’s no other way to get through to him. I also think that since you are 19, that you could give yourself a chance to see what happens in your life. To see what you could accomplish. Wouldn’t that be something to kind of shove in your dad’s face later on? This is a tough transition period in your life, I know it well. But, it’s worth a try. And then if it doesn’t work out, at least you could say, I tried.
Hi Goodgirl.
Good to see you again. Hope you are ok.
Darling,
You actually sound really wonderful because you have not only endured crappy parenting or lack thereoff, but at the same time, you have still pursued your dreams and vision and aspirations.
That past you can’t change. The future you can (and are doing so). I say well done & keep going.
Don’t let other toxic people poison you and your way of life. Be good to yourself, be good to others and the rest just shrug your shoulders. You can’t change some people.
You’re doing a great job. Don’t get mad, get even as they say. Personal success & happiness is the best revenge i say. Keep going.
Ad Astra
It’s okay, I’m not taking any offence, you sound pretty awesome and understanding 🙂 First time it feels like someone does, it’s weird xD I would only say their parenting got pretty crap once the divorce was finally set. My Mum kept up a brave face for so long but she’s given up now. My Dad can be cool.. his anger has just become too much for me. Will do, hopefully I can go to university and have a different life 🙂 Thank you, I smiled for the first time when I was reading your comment. Hope you’re well 🙂
woops, didnt read the whole thing properly, didnt see your dads anger was the result of your sister’s drug abuse. Hmm…thats a different issues ….apologies….but despite all the challanges, you have still done remarkably well … so keep it up…dont let other ‘lesser souls’ get you down. Maybe also consider talking to a counsellor or therapist.
ps: dont get mixed up with drugs or those even associated with them when you are young (esp the harder drugs like heroin). Life is hard enough when you are straight, but even worse when you are an addict. I’ve worked with a number of addicts and theesimple truth is ‘the majority’ live terrible lives that only deteroriate. And the lies they tell are OMG endless, but thats a symptom of their addiction and loss of personal control.
@ crystalcat
You sound really cool. I know it’s difficult but I think you have a good chance. If anything gets you down post in ama’s oz thread. She usually knows what to do.
Thank you and Ama’s Oz thread, I’ll check it out. I take it, that’s one of the chatrooms here? First day here xD Thank you, I appreciate the belief 🙂
Good luck and best wishes crystal 🙂
Not a chat room persay Crystal…but my room…i’m the wizard…i make the rules in my room….only cuz some are bustin’ my chops for doin’ outside…lol….but you are welcome….me i’m not so smart…but just stoopid enough to relate to almost anything…lol…and I have some really smart friends here that help me too. Only been here a few weeks myself. Is this your first time on the site?….If so…you are welcome and heard….stop by any time…if i’m not at home you can play with my friends like the ones you’ve already met….and I usually check in atleast once a day so feel free to leave questions, comments, and messages. Look forward to meeting you…you sound amazing.
Namaste
Amakua
Yeah it is my first time on this site xD I’m finding it very helpful though. Ah I see, sounds great. Thank you, you sound amazing as well 🙂 I look forward to speaking to you more 🙂