I hate the start of a story, i never know how to start. this is the second time i write in here, last time it was good for me i know, and a lot of nice people gave me some good advice, and right now I’m feeling very horrible, so I’m doing this a second time to help myself.
I suffer from a major depression, suicidal thought are becoming more and more everyday. i can handle that kind of thoughts, to a degree. but different thoughts are in my head. Lately i have been having fantasies about hurting others even murder, and it’s not like normal fantasies, i can feel they are real and something of consideration in my mind. This scares me beyond belief, I am so very scared of my mind being able to do this, I am scared that i might be able to carry it out in real life.
I have one friend that i can with about this kind of thoughts, knowing that she does not judge me or resent me for it, but she instead supports me, not my thoughts but tells me that I am not a horrible monster.
okay i figured out something i want to tell you all, but i have to get some structure over this now.
I have strong trust issues, i can barely trust the people i call friends and have a really hard time telling them anything about my feelings even my closest friends and family. Because I have been hurt terribly in the past by Girlfriends I loved, Friends I loved and family, and now I am to scared of getting hurt to tell any of them anything. I Only have this one friend I feel comfortable talking with. Now life has it as such that anything good in my life has to somehow turn into hell, so I fell in love with this girl. I am very sure that she has no feelings for me other than the fact she trusts me the way I trust her. Should I tell her how I feel? I want to but I am still scared of getting hurt and find that I am incapable, what should I do?
Secondly I am see a therapist. And I have not told this therapist about my thoughts of murder or my feelings for my female friend. Should I tell my therapist, because I really do not want to tell my therapist these things, simply because I am scared what the therapist would say.
Finally I just want to let out some steam, by bitching and moaning.
I hate my life, I hate all of my friends who suck at helping me and only make things worse, I hate cheating bastards, I hate people who lie to you over and over and over. I hate people who lie to you because it’s for my best. And I hate to accept the fact that the world is so freaking unfair as it is.
I am a good guy I really am I have done everything I can to be good, and not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to, I hate being a good guy because everyone shits me in the mouth and laughs. And people who aren’t good are out there being happy and jolly not caring about my suffering.
I just wish I could say all of this out aloud to someones face and then be hugged, I really want a hug. I don’t want to feel sad or in pain anymore, I wish I could open up to someone and they then wouldn’t hurt me or fail me. I feel so alone in this world and I want it to be over.
Please help…
7 comments
I would share everything with the therapist as you feel comfortable.
Mainly because the more your therapist knows. the better able they are to help you deal with your pain.
And since you are optimistic enough to seek help, opening up would just make the most practical sense.
As far as your friend you may need to feel her out a little.
And with your feelings as they are a direct hit with how you feel about her may have adverse affects depending on her reaction.
I’d suggest planning a day where you guys do something you both enjoy. Walk in the park, board games, or anything you are comfortable with. Make sure it is a day where you guys have not discussed your pain and that the topics are genial and mundane.
Then ask her in a kind of calm way if she could see herself being in a relationship with a guy like you.
You said you feel like she does not share your feelings other than friendship and support. The worst thing she can say is no. And yes it might sound trivial coming from me but for you that may hurt or not depending on how you feel at the time(read the part about your fear of being incapable).
If she reacts positively then let her know how you feel and why if you can explain some of it. If she reacts negatively then just kind of let the subject drop unless you still feel comfortable enough to do so.
I do hope she shares your feelings Willy, because having a girlfriend that understands you could be very helpful to you in general as well as the relationship itself.
I hope you win her heart man.
Good luck.
You should be able to tell – atleast I always could – if your female friend has feelings for you. That is to say, you should know if you are in the friendszone or not.
As for telling your theripest… It might help. Maybe they can give you some insight. This is me talking about the girl situation… not the murdering one.
Now the murdering one is not… to say a problem. Or even unheard of. But you must make sure these fantasies stay in your mind. If you really believe you are a good person then you know you will not murder anyone.
Hey, Willy101
First of all, well done for posting something so honestly and candidly – something that you don’t even want to tell your therapist. Takes a lot of gumption to do that, and I’m not just flattering you.
Secondly, if it makes you feel any less alone, during three of my worst depressive spells I also got intensely homicidal. I would have vivid fantasies, almost hallucinations (they feel “real”, like you said), of stabbing a pencil into a colleague’s neck, running down a pedestrian with my car, smashing someone’s head against a wall, etc. They were incredibly detailed, so much so that I could even feel the movement down my arm or whatever. It also frightened the living crap out of me, as I’m ordinarily a peace-loving vegan, albeit a suicidal one. So, I really feel for you as I read this.
Not sure what to tell you that would make it go away, but if it consoles you, I found that the thoughts were light-years away from real actions – the odds are that you WON”T in fact do these things – no matter how strong the urge is. And you know what actually helped me to get over it? Simply just admitting out loud (mostly to my therapist) that I had these thoughts. Then I pretty much wept until I couldn’t any more. And somehow, each time, the thoughts would virtually disappear after this. I’d be drained, but in a good way. So, my advice would be to tell your therapist – he/she has heard much worse things than that, I can assure you. And he/she will not judge you!! (otherwise, you need to get a new therapist!) As to telling this girl you like about the fantasies, I would wait until I’ve spoken to the therapist first. Not that I’m saying that the girl wouldn’t understand – it’s very obvious even from this entry that she won’t think you’re a monster! It’s just that these kind of emotions do sometimes (at least in my experience) weaken once you’ve told someone about them, so once you’ve told your therapist, you may not even feel the need to tell the girl about these urges at all, or you may just want to tell her a very small bit from it.
As to your other question – whether you should tell het that you like her – can’t really advise you there unless I know more details (how long have you known each other, etc). But, my gut instinct would be, if she trusts you the way you trust her, she definitely has SOME feelings for you… Personally though, if I were you, which I’m not, I would wait to tell her how I feel about her until my emotional turmoil had settled down just a bit. I’ve made many emotional confessions when I was in the middle of such a hurricane, but normally I would completely f*ck up what I intended to say just due to my brain being exhausted.
Your comment about your friends sucking at helping you was also very familiar. In the past, I’ve even felt that way with the person I love most in the world – my boyfriend. I think the problem is that really only people who have suffered from maor depression can understand what it means. Everyone else may mean well, but they unintentionally make it hurt more. Actually made me think of this lyric: When panic grips your body and your heart is a hummingbird/Raven thoughts blacken your mind until you’re breathing in reverse/And all your friends and sedatives mean well but make it worse/Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt/Better find yourself a place to level out. (from “If the the breakman turns my way” by the ever amazing Bright Eyes).
As to the trust issues, I feel your pain there too. I’m still working on mine, although they have gotten better over time.
And hey, if we were standing face to face right now, I’d give you an enormous hug and even let you cry all over my sweater.
Hang in there and remember that even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, this too shall pass!
^@Willy – it took me so long to write that post (I think in sentences, not words) that U.N. Owen uploaded his comment sometime in between. But I agree with him wholeheartedly on everything he said – some solid advice there. 🙂
I think Esther’s advice is really good (and everyone on this forum is so kind to give such thoughtful advice!)
I definitely agree that if your therapist is any good they are not going to freak out if you share your violent fantasies, so long as you make it clear that they are merely fantasies and not intentions, and the fact that they are no more than fantasies certainly seems clear to me. It doesn’t sound like you need to worry much about actually doing them and it would probably help to get them off your chest.
As to the girl, I agree with waiting, but most importantly, forgive yourself for having affectionate feelings towards her! It is ever so natural for a guy in your position to develop feelings for the one person in the world they share intimacy with and feel they can trust. That said, I don’t advocate “holding the thoughts in” or repressing them, per se, just sitting with them as they are and enjoying your relationship as it is now without making any sudden moves to change it into a different kind of relationship. I also think it sounds in the meantime like if you can talk to her about such difficult personal things, if you were to ask her to give you a big hug, she would be more than happy to oblige. Thinking good thoughts for you my friend.
Thank you all, i cried snot, then laughed for no reason and then cried snot again.
I’m going to think about this, but I’ll really try to talk to my therapist.
thanks a lot
You guys deserve a more elaborate reply. I don’t know if anyone rereads these stories.
With the whole therapist, i am going to try all i can to tell her about these fantasies and how i feel about them, still i keep feeling inside this tightening feeling that i should not do it, i really do not want to tell my therapist, but i will do my very best to try.
And about her I’m going to be more elaborate about the specifics. I am 21 she is 18. she is my Ex-gf’s best friends, but i think their friendship is falling apart lately, which kinds of saddens me, even if i have only spite for my Ex, she cheated on me, it’s a long terrible story. I feel sorry for them both because they really depended on each other and now it is falling apart. Me and the girl i now like became good friends, we talked a lot about pain and hardships, I did not have feelings for her for a while. then later i started to feel love to her, nothing romantically, but i loved her. and I’d do anything for her, i told her this i think she understood. but sort of ignored the whole “love” part.
I know she is a virgin, and has never had a boyfriend, and she apparently is attracted to both genders, it is very hard to understand her completely, but i really want to. she is very confused about the whole gender thing i sense. i genuinely care for her, and i fell in love with her “for real” i do not sense any such things back from her, but she is a very private and closed person. she however that she had a crush on a girl who had boyfriend, i supported her through that, she now claims that crush is gone.
i keep wanting to tell her how i feel, i am unsure whether i am going to, but my best guess is i will.
i prefer honesty. but i am ever so scared. I can’t really wait till my emotional turmoil has settled, I’ve been and felt like this for a year now, i do not see it ending anytime soon.
I’ll make a new post soon i think.