What do you do when all your life, all you’ve ever thought of was how to kill yourself? What do you do when everywhere you look, everyone you talk to, everything you do, was spurred by the want, the NEED to end your life? What do you do when you try to be positive, but all that does is a few months of temporary hope, before reality comes crashing down and you realize that you’ve wasted days and months on living, when you could have spent that time trying to look for a way to die?
I’m not going to lie. I know that I wasted all of the chances that everyone has given me. When I came out of the hospital the first time, my childhood friend and her family took me under their wing. For a brief moment, I was able to relive the joy of having a home, not just a house. It was so wonderful not having to think about what I could eat that night, or where I was supposed to get money for bills. I was given the chance to talk to my friends again, and act like the student I was. I would have never had to worry about money or having a roof over my head ever again. They took me into their house, gave me my own room, and treated me like one of their own.
Then I went ahead and did it again.
I remember that night so clearly. The day before, my friends and I were hanging out and having fun. We watched movies, and played in the arcade. We talked about random, senseless things. Â We were having fun. Then I woke up on that day, and I decided that today was the day. I got up, went to the supermarket, and bought the things I needed. I came home, and I laughed with my friends till late that night. We said our good nights and I went to my room.
Insert. Aspirate. Inject. Got it on the first try too (pre-med ftw). I cleaned up, and laid down. I wondered how long it would take for the insecticide to circulate back to my heart. I was starting to get breathless– dyspnea, a good sign. Meant everything was going well. Then my phone rang. I thought of the pros and cons of answering. They would figure out something was up if I didn’t answer. So I picked the phone up. They noticed.
I was rushed to the hospital. I remember being bathed by a nurse. The nausea had been terrible. Everyone arrived, and it was worse. Then I couldn’t breathe, and they were preparing to intubate. I wondered then how much the odds were that I was successful. I was forced asleep.
The next five days, I can’t exactly recall. All I knew was that I was in the Intensive Care Unit and that they had operated three times. I remember saying no to the catheter, so the nurses had to deal with my shit, literally. There was a watch 24/7, but it was pretty useless since I was out cold most of the time. I was transferred to another hospital after that.
My friend’s family constantly visited me for about a month. Then, after my birthday in the hospital, they stopped coming altogether. I figured out why of course. If you were a father, you wouldn’t want your children to be exposed to that kind of behaviour, no matter the reason. Sure, you sympathize with the cause, but as a person responsible not only with your own life, you have to make hard decisions. That’s why I never took it personally against them. I would do the exact same thing had I been in their shoes. But, that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Sometimes I wish I could blame others for the things that are wrong in my life. For a long time, I blamed my dad. I thought that, if only he had been at home, he would have noticed my “mother” beating me. If only he had been listening, he would have stopped my “uncle” from molesting me. If only he was sober, he would have noticed that something was not right. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have turned out like this.
Then I stop, because I know that I can’t blame him. My dad was only human, as is the rest of us. He had his own demons to deal with, his own secrets and problems. I can’t blame my fake mother, nor my biological mother. I can’t blame my friends, or anyone at all actually.
The fact of the matter is, I only have myself to blame. Yes, my childhood may have paved the way to becoming the monster I am today, but it wasn’t until I walked down that path that my fate became permanent. Along the way, so many forks opened, each new path leading to a better destination. But I trudged on down this ugly path, and I ended up hurting so many, and will end up hurting more.
It hurts me to think that I will cause more grief to those special to me, but I have made my peace long ago. When I took that first step, I vowed that I would see it through, regardless of who got hurt along the way. Yes, it was a selfish choice, but hey, suicide is a selfish act.
I don’t regret any of the choices I made.
My only regret was that I wasn’t able to finish this path of destruction earlier.
5 comments
The universe doesn’t support the destruction of oneself. If that was your intention then you will always experience opposition in one form or another. Where do you think your thoughts come from? It will support relief and release, and that which supports well being….either physically or non physically. Your choice.
You do not want to live anymore, but one side of you is thinking about suicide, because this site currently sees no other way out. This also means that you have plugged in a second side that wants to live very happy! Even this knowledge you should make clear that the phrase “I want to die” not quite right. A part of you believes that death would be the better alternative compared to how your life looks like (even). But this part is not you as a whole.
Nevertheless, this part is of course an important part of you, not least because it makes you aware that the way it is better not to stay. For that you owe him thanks – this is not the same as obedience! I would like to propose to you, to interact with this part time in a slightly differentiated dialogue. A good way to do this is it – what it means to psychologists like to – to externalise times, ie, to give it a concrete shape, and to speak with him. This may sound strange at first sight for you, but try it a try, it’s easier than it sounds and it often brings with it very interesting findings. Closing this best before your eyes and imagine all of you share these suicidal-dimensional, as he would be with you in the same room. What shape is best fit for him? How big is it? If you were to touch him, how he would feel like? How old is this proportion – rather young, rather old? How far away is the percentage of you in the room?
Get thee to answer these questions enough time till you have a clear picture of this proportion in mind. If you’re so far, then you try to imagine that you can share this ask questions. Such questions may be, for example:
What you had to do, so he approached even closer to you?
What could induce him to go a little further away, so that you would feel it less strong?
What a hidden life-friendly page, that proportion could hide in them? Go into this assuming that all your shares have basically only one in mind: your well-being. If you think you are before the eyes and trust the fact that even these suicidal proportion actually want good care of you – what he wants then? What he craves?
What this figure promises of a suicide? What he thinks, then what will be different? What ideas he has about what is waiting for you after death?
What he believed, had any impact on the suicide of your people, are close to you?
Maybe you do not get an immediate answer to all or some of these questions, but I suspect that you’ll get quite a bit of information. As I said, even this share has actually only your best interests at heart – and that means that he wants to give you a different life than your current. Possibly, this share of you in the afterlife for a better world awaits you. That may be so – it is a guarantee for not. We can imagine a lot about how it will be on the other side, but knowing we never received in life. Perhaps the Buddhist law and we are born again – but who tells you that you will make it a better replacement? Or the Christians are right, it would be a suicide a mortal sin, and led to eternal damnation, and no view. Or is nothing really waiting on us and we just fall apart in our biological building blocks .. whether it’s a charming idea now, it can also be divided. Either way, we know it will be until we arrived over there (or not), but then there’s no way to say: oh, I’ve changed my mind about it and I want to go back! So I had not imagined myself … As the saying goes: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
It is also important, what it thinks your share, which would impact on other people your suicide. Is there someone who would feel guilty? Suicidal and wants to share your reach perhaps? Who would mourn for you, who stood at your grave? Who would wish he would have done anything differently? Do the people who love you, worthy? Most members of suicides are these feelings of guilt and failure of the rest of their lives no longer happening. Do your share of this idea? Then you can assume that an important motive for him is revenge – for neglect, for ill treatment, for violation of your person, for injuries that you inflicted, etc. Does he have thoughts like: “when I’m dead, there will feel sorry for them “? Maybe, maybe not you might not. If they are really that bad, these people, then maybe they’re really glad they are finally rid of you? Want to really do them this favor? And if they actually would do harm – what would you have them? Do you really have the idea, then you are sitting on a cloud and you are laughing up their sleeves for that? Even if: it would be worth, that you for your whole rest of his life would have thrown away with all the possibilities for change? Do you know the sentence: A good life is the best revenge? What could your enemies – if it is indeed this – more annoying than when you are in spite of them happy, successful and happy would you live your life? And if it does not go to the motive of revenge, but you think only people who really love you, and now dismayed, distressed, deeply sad would – how are you doing with this idea? Would you do that to them? Is there not at least one person in your life whom you would like to save this?
If you ask your share according to his desires and wishes, it can also be the case that you encounter needs that in your life, just as it now is, can not be satisfied: for love, for friendship, for security, for success … Do you realize that these needs are not met by your death – on the contrary, that you deprive yourself of the possibility that they will eventually find fulfillment in the future. Ask yourself instead what could be the first tiny step to these needs to be a little bit fairer. What you could probably still do it? Who could you help? Perhaps it is also true that you have lost a loved one through death and now have a desire to follow Him. This is many people. In this case, ask yourself whether this person would really want that for his sake you are going to their deaths. If he loved you so, as you see him, then surely the answer is no. If he or she is not shocked when he would hit you in the afterlife and hear that you are his sake, or because of them have thrown away your life? Would he not want that to be a happy and fulfilling life you led before you died? The best and most important thing we can do for our dead, is, for them to go on with. As long as we exist and we remember them, they are among us. So you show your beloved dead, a far greater honor than to the fact that you end your life because of him, because it costs you more power. Give him a loving place in your memory and tell him that you still stay on Earth for a while and then come to him, when will it is time for you.
Another possibility is that the person whom you love, has left you and you think, with the pain of not being ready. Then it may well be that your suicidal share secretly cherishes the hope of a suicide attempt could change the opinions of others and he would then return to you full of remorse. If this is so, then remember that the other one in this case, not out of love returns, but because you have blackmailed him and because he had compassion on thee. Extorted feelings – it’s what you want? Contempt and pity is closely related. Do you really think you deserve anything better than that? Why do not you want other people the chance to meet you to bring the feelings that you are entitled? And if it is really true that you feel the pain and frustration not to be done: Do it like an alcoholic! Take each morning, imagine that you are only going to endure this for a day. And then another one. And one more. Trust over time. She takes the sharpness of the pain, if you can her a chance. A scar remains, that is clear, but scars are badges of honor. They show that you have loved and lived. And if you could once love so much, that’s a skill that is in you. It’s not about you, if your partner leaves you, but you will, it is a special gift to you. And you’ll love again, when the time comes. Everything you need is patience.
I know this is all much easier written than done. And if you’ve perhaps already behind you, many attempts to satisfy the wishes and desires of your suicidal proportion, it is you have not yet succeeded, you’re probably already very discouraged and think, never create. Perhaps such dramatic changes in your life are required to satisfy him that you’re afraid to take them in attack. Or you think you can never again endure the humiliation of a rejection or a failure. But think about it: What change, what hurt, what risk, what effort would be worse than your own death? Is your life really worth a try more? Perhaps you simply need a little help with what to do to become happier. To speak to someone about what troubles you, is the first important step toward life. Put it – what did you lose? Nothing – because the cemetery is not going to run away! – But everything to gain. To seek help when you need them is not a sign of weakness but of strength. And you have to be strong, otherwise you would have made it this far do not!
By Theodore Jouffroy is the quote: “It is a good way to kill themselves if they are unhappy, but it’s a desperate way out.” Give the faith not to, that there are other ways out of your situation. Let help you find him, if you just can not even see him or not enough strength in you feel to go it alone. Think of how much effort and patience needed to invest the universe, just to call you as a person into your life – millions of years of evolution, thousands of generations … What is, however, the effort and time it will cost you to live happier and more satisfied than you currently do? Give life a chance. Give yourself a chance. You are worth it.
You convey your thoughts very well. I understand your side but I also unerstand their side as well. Suicide is indeed selfish, but in the end, we all end up dead.
You seem very determined, but I would like for you to reconsider your vow. No one has a “perfect” life and it’s impossible to be happy ALL the time. Things happen. Life has it’s ups and downs. I’m not saying it’s normal to feel suicidal, but it’s not normal to be constantly happy either. If it were, we would have no use for other emotions.
Maybe it would help if you kept posting things here, or talking to someone about how you feel. A Therapist, maybe?
Just gonna add this here since I can’t edit my post right now.
I’m not going to argue about the morality of suicide, because quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of defending my opinions to everyone who cares to listen. As I’ve said before, I’m a firm believer in choices, and while I DO NOT condone suicide, I am not going to dissuade you attempting it, whatever your situation is. The choice, and all it’s entailing consequences, is up to you.
In my case, I have accepted the fact that I will hurt a lot of people with my choice of suicide. I know that some of my friends will have a long and terrible time getting over it… I know someone who may even attempt to kill herself because of me. It is painful, and I wish there were another way, but for ME, there is NO other way.
Don’t get me wrong, I heartily believe that if I become more positive, accept the help of others and actually start moving to get out of this pit of depression, I can achieve whatever it is I set out for. I am not saying that I have no future nor will I ever find true happiness. I’m sure that if I change my outlook in life, gradually, things will look better.
But I don’t want that.
Some people find it hard to grasp the idea that, well, I just want to die. I’m not stating reasons and excuses for wanting to die, I just do. My former shrinks and religious peeps can’t seem to wrap their minds around that.
You searching for Help. get your real life help. do it. please. it would be ashame when your gone even if i dont know you i would be sad. mostly because too many ppl i know did that and other died because other things. remember where a shadow is is also light! you just have to find what the light is for you.