work and play have lost all meaning. The barriers between personal and professional life have shattered. It’s all the same crap now, junk that’s in between me and non-existence. I work and play but don’t put my heart into anymore; nothing feels good. I am Anhedonia.
I can’t live like this, my life is not so bad that I have any “good” reason to kill myself but it’s not good in any way either. It’s been good but I don’t enjoy things.
I can go home after working and sedate myself and do it all over again but why??! FUCK! Friends don’t mean much to me but leeches, family I divorce.. I don’t get along, I don’t get along.. I pretend to get along when I don’t feel like making a fuss.
Ahh, I finished work 45 mins ago but I’m still here sitting in a depressed stupor. Nothing works; nothing can match the sadness inside. My psyche is just hella corrupted. If only I could format it and start over from scratch. A nice, long lasting case of amnesia.
I wish that I weren’t TPHG. Don’t wanna be, arggg
I wish I’d get recruited to do something dangerous or crazy; something for my country or for some noble cause.
My body has so much energy and it can do so much, but my mind is unwilling.
And no one can hear how much pain I’m in because I’m a scary good actor. I’m an odd mix of manic depression, schizophrenia, psychopathy/narcissism, and autism. Or maybe that’s all in my head from the reading.
I just want to be hugged. I just want someone to hug me for a long time without me having to reciprocate it. You know that big hugs that good parents wrap their kids in all the time; something like that. Never had that, never felt safe in someone elses arms. It’s an odd thing for a guy to think but I missed out on it.
4 comments
Like u my suicide story is somewhat similar in the fact that my decision isn’t base on a single dramatic occurrence or a series of bad hands dealt to me by life, like so many have posted concerning their suicide stories, but rather a fucking series of mundane, minutiae life events that have led me to deciding to off myself at the end of lackluster, Loserville 25 year bullshit life. I will ask u read a book called “Suicide- The Forever Decision”. I will help you understand exactly what your going through & help u reassess your current state of affairs.
Hope that book helps
I need my mind formatted too. I have always said the only way to fix me is to erase my mind and start all over. Hope someone comes and gives you that hug you are looking for. I can imagine what you are talking about….just standing there as someone squeezes you and you feel warm and safe and comforted….Ahhhh to feel that!
I understand so much of this.
Not one thing but many makes death attractive.
I truly hope you get that hug my friend.
From someone who actually means it.