I`m so fed up with everything and in the very dark place. I`m so angry with everything, especially God, Universe ,All That Is. I feel it`s so cruel that actually we live forever. No I don`t have any proof of that, but it is a very strong and confident feeling in me. It`s like there is no escape, we are just playing tools for God. I just want to disapear, cease to exist completely.  I`m sick of all this talk this world being a learning place…really? Are you serious??? It`s all gone too far.  Thinking about all the horrific things that happen in this world every single minute, sexual slavery, rapes, tortures and not to mention “normal” everyday cruelty people do to one another without even recognizing their hurtful actions and all the unhappiness, heaviness and silent despair many, many people feel seemingly without reason.
Lately I think about suicide every day. I want to do it some time later this year though I have this urge to do it right now very often but I don`t want it to be impulsive action. I want to do it thoughtfully after I `ve at least tried to sort out all my thoughts and feelings associated with this act that many will call selfish (but I think it`s no less selfish to say that to someone who is in great pain and to want him/her to continue lliving just because you don`t wan`t to feel the loss).
First time I tried to kill myself I was 14 and after that followed many times, but only after one of those attempts I almost died and that was just (bad) luck I didn`t, I was 17 or 18 then. I`m still very sorry I didn`t.  Now I`m 29 and I can`t even start to tell how much I hate it. I feel so small and vunerable inside. There is ever groving gap between how I feel and how I should be. I`m very emotionally immature. Just because I never learned how to deal with emotions, all i did was suppressing them, with food (used to be very bulimic/anorexic until about 22), smoking (don`t do that more than 6 years anymore) and withdrawing and many more unproductive actions.
I just don`t like this world. I don`t want to live here. Too much darkness too much hurtful things happening every day. Sometimes everything hurts even good things.
I don`t want to be possibly punished for taking my own damn life. I hate God and order of this Universe who will possibly make me face unpleasant consequences of my actions. And I don`t care if we actually chose to incarnate here on this crazy planet (yes, it is also very beautiful but darkness outweights everything), maybe we were forced (though it didn`t look like that at all) to choose this.  I wish I wouldn`t believe in all those things but I can`t.  But i don`t think these thoughts will stop me from taking my life eventually. I`m just too angry and hurt, it couldn`t be worse on the other side ( I hope I find love, peace and comfort there though)  and if it is, well, I want to change decorations.
3 comments
I feel the same. I want to do it now but for some reason I don’t want it to be impulsive.
There might be a distinct possibility that hose who think they are going to suffer eternally might be the only ones who do so.
No scientific proof but a remote chance.
And yes this world has a ton of darkness. And like you I feel that it outweighs the light.
Seems like you are a very caring person who actually survived a lot of the issues you used to go through.
And the pain of the world and others is the burden that weighs on your heart.
With your compassion you could be an asset to many people.
And if given a situation where you had power and authority would probably try your best to wield it fairly.
I’d be eating crow to tell you not to die.
But there are many just on this site who would benefit from your kind and caring heart. Just by words and or emails.
Because they need someone who cares and you truly do.
@ lostinthenight…you seem pretty aware to me. You sound like a sensitive or star-seed. I’ve had all the exact same sentiments as you. I wish I pulled the plug a long time ago, but I’ve experienced a lot of universal blocks. But I hear ya…my body feels like a process piece of flesh, and I feel very small, pretty unreal actually.
The thing that I’ve learned is to focus on being happy for me…you’re not meant to focus on all the negative stuff you mentioned…the global state is symptomatic of the individual state., so think about you, and how you want to feel. Being here is brutal for sure and I feel ya. Skype me if you want softsoul9 Take care.