Nothing outweighs all the negative..

As the title says nothing beats everything I am dealing with now.  My babies are all split up and their hearts are shattered.  In turn their pain rings so loudly to me.  I had to rock my crying 6 year old little girl to sleep in a hotel room before I took her back to her father.  I am disabled and incapable of providing a stable home for my children.  I am going to an online university and I find it mundane and pointless.  Feeling guilty is something that runs rampant in my heart and the feeling of complete inadequacy fills me to the brim and overflows.  Three failed marriages, five children by two of them, and a string of failed relationships has brought me here I suppose.  I do not feel sorry for myself or feel sorry for anything.  I feel guilty but not sorry if there is such a feeling as this.  I have no joy.  I have my three year old daughter with me but I can’t seem to smile even though she tries to hard to make me.  All I can think of is how screwed up her life is going to be if she remains with me.  I love my children more than anything and have been really focusing on the simple truth that they would all have better lives if I were just absent from them.  They couldn’t understand the favor I would be doing for them to just leave this place.  I could never live with myself to give my children up and know that I’d rather be dead.  It isn’t a scary thing death, it’s just a change and one I feel I am ready to make.  The only fear is not knowing what comes after but I would rather face that uncertainty then the one that includes how my children would turn out if I try to remain with them.  Their father is not such a terrible person he just doesn’t have the right priorities I think.  Some mothers know that adoption for their babies is the right choice but that choice is not an option for me.  I cannot simply give my children away.  This isn’t an internal struggle it’s me thinking out loud declaring my wishes and determining that this is the best course of action.  My family sees how sad I am all the time and they would rather leave and not deal with my problems.  I am a problem and have always been a burden to everyone who has ever known me.  I cannot speak to my family of my problems because they make it about them and accuse me of trying to hurt their feelings.  So, I won’t say a word.  I gave away everything that mattered to me and instructions of what to give to my children.  I gave my favorite necklace to my 6 year old and told her that if she wears it I will come to her when she sleeps and now I can’t even talk to her on the phone or my youngest son.  I am tired of the heartache and the ceaseless feeling of despair and loneliness.  Just so tired, so tired of everything.  I don’t know how I got to this site, was just looking up different pills I have and what they do when someone overdoses.   This is the most I have been able to say for years even if someone doesn’t read it at least I would have written it and someone somewhere might understand why I did what I did.  Now hopefully I’ll have broken my families curse and taken it with me and everyone else could use me as an example and fix things for everyone else.  Because sadness shouldn’t be overlooked and a single person should not have to endure being made to feel like a burden.