Stuck Here Until Further Notice

I’ve been away from most of the internet for a while. Except for the rare occasion that  I get off of my ass and do some “work”.

I’m a cam girl now. It could be a pretty easy job but as with most things, I make it more difficult than necessary.

I haven’t left my house in a couple of week. I just don’t see the point.

Tomorrow, I will be going to a friends house, not because I really want to but because she BEGS!

Shes the only friend I speak to regularly and I’m the same to her which is why she begs like she does.

I’ve pushed away and ignored most of my other friends and family members.

She also has an 18 month old son. I don’t like children and I try to avoid them generally but I can’t get around it this time.

I know I’m supposed to be supportive but as time goes on, it’s harder to do so.

I kind of want to ignore her and be totally closed off to the outside world.

My mother has begun really pushing me to find a (real) job. Even though it’s the last thing I want to do, I can’t blame her.

I’m 20! I’m an adult…. or at least I should be.

God, I wish the world would leave me alone. I’m not cut out for this world. I don’t belong.

I can’t sleep. I have been taking OTC sleeping meds and cold meds so I can sleep the days away(I also like the feeling they give me).

Tonight, I don’t have any so I’m up daydreaming about dying again.

Like many other people here. My loved ones are the only things keeping me alive.

My grandmother, my parents, my brother would be crushed if I died.

But death is all I want at this point.  I don’t enjoy anything (outside of drugs) nor do I have any goals.

I DO want to help my mom out financially and if I were to commit suicide, I’d want to leave something (substantial) behind for her

so she can pay off debts and invest in a new home. But it would take forever to save up as much as she’d need for that.

Oh, how I wish I’d never been born and that no one cared that I exist. I wish my loved ones would give me permission to off myself(as crazy as it sounds)

But I’m sure that would never happen. I’m just stuck I guess.