the only time I feel calm without the influence of drugs, is here. Fuck, what’s wrong with me? :s
I think about dying, and now, what holds me back is that I won’t get to swim in the sadness that I’ll cause with my death. I won’t be able to lick the tears of my loved ones as they wonder why they didn’t notice my derangement sooner. I wanna be like huck finn, fake my death and attend my funeral. The only happiness I have is others misfortune and oh golly would I love to feed off the negative energy that would be radiating from my funeral. What am I?
I think I’m a demon. When a tormented person dies, they sometimes become a ghost(I don’t mean literally of course; fuck fairy tales/fantasy). I’m self tormented, everything is in my head. My life is bouncy/happy, I just have to work, but there’s something wrong with me. I imagine dicing hands into little bits and pressing the button that would end existence. When I die I’ll be a demon.
There’s nothing but hate in my heart so how could I not be a demon? Hate filled, filled with hate. Nobody knows, people don’t avoid me, but in my mind, everybody knows so it’s confusing to me to have these thoughts and feelings but everything around me is fine.
I want to die because I’m tired of getting up in the morning and seeing nothing. I’m not from here, not one of these people. I’m something else, something beyond or behind.
I don’t have any desires, don’t want anything, but I keep moving; that depresses me.
I’ll smoke and it’ll relive the built up pressure in my brain from these thoughts and emotions, but then what? Sober up, smoke up, sober up, smoke up.. people take pills and coffee everyday to help them get through the grind, but they ahve their reasons. I have no tangible reason for living and don’t want one; livings a waste. I’d rather not have time than to have it and do nothing but waste it. My life can be so much but I just don’t care. I don’t care about people and what we’re doing on this planet. I hope Iran nukes us out of existence. I hope North Korea nukes us out of existence. I don’t care about the outcome of this planetary drama, burn us all and salt the Earth.
Misanthropy
1 comment
The imagination, which sadly is where most people live, aint always true.
Masking problems that cause our unhappiness be it thru drugs, drink, self abuse wont fix our problems, if anyying makes them worse.
At some stage, we have to face them or run away from the (which is what u are doing). One will have a positive consquence and one will not. But the choice is always ours to make and we can change whenever we want to.
‘Hate’ is “the result” of something underlying, it is not who you are.
Hate, angers, pessimism, etc are like plants. To get rid of them, you must find the seeds that grew them.
Ad Astra