Five months later and I’m back at square one.
Jump or don’t jump?
I fear making mistakes.
I fear disappointing my mother.
I fear life beyond campus.
I fear not being able to repay student loans.
I fear the inevitable graduation.
I fear making choices.
People keep telling me that life is precious. Life is what you make it. But what good is life if you don’t know what to make of it?
They call me selfish. Suicide is selfish. You have no right to end your life.
Hypocrites.
I’m sick of the uncertainty. I’m sick of the fear. Why should I live for others? It’s pointless; they all die in the end. So no matter what, I’ll always be alone.
I can function, but I don’t feel. I relate to no one. I feel trapped. I’m damned if I kill myself; I’m damned if I don’t.
I fear life.
7 comments
You don’t fear life. I failed my last semester of college because of my bipolar bullshit. Talk about degenerating social skills. Make something of your degree, you’ll be fine.
Fear- something that can take over your life. Never let fear control your life, otherwise you’ll find that your life is being run by fear and not yourself. I’m repeating the word fear a lot aren’t i? Just a warning fear can turn into anxiety which is the worst type of depression, before you get there do get some help and some anxiety pills. They can calm the fear down so you’re no longer afraid.
Take Care and Stay Strong.
I do suffer from generalized anxiety and depression. I take Celexa, but it makes me feel numb. I feel less like a human being and more like a robot: just going through the motions with no sense of being. Pre-Celexa, it was horrible. I feared going up to the cashier to pay for stuff. I felt paranoid all the time–is that person talking about me, is so-and-so looking at me weird, they must think I’m a freak, etc. I kept telling myself that I was useless, that I’d never amount to anything. Two years later: the paranoia’s still there, and going up to the cashier makes me nervous.
As for making something of my degree–I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t think anybody will hire somebody with a plain old English degree. I don’t know what I want from life. Hence the fear of the unknown and all…
Life is partially what you make of it and partially of how you perceive the part that you cannot control.
Those who accept the suffering in life as part of the whole and as lessons do have that outlook because it supports their position.
And it is the most rational way to think if you want to live.
Fear can paralyze you but fear can also push you harder if you can redirect the energy.
Apathy however, is useless.
“Redirect?”
I have no means of redirecting. TV is mind-numbing, but eventually you have to turn it off. I have no friends b/c I fear rejection. I have no car, so I’m literally stuck in place. I want to move on, but the fear of losing everything keeps me in stasis. I don’t know how to move on; too many choices. I don’t do well with choices.
I try to write, but I get frustrated and overwhelmed by feelings of failure. I’m not good enough, I never will be good enough. If I try suicide, then people ***** about being a coward. If I try to live, then I’ll constantly be plagued by indecision and mistakes. It’s a lose-lose situation for me. I can’t win.
Suicide just seems lovely at this point in “life.” No job, no car, no friends. Just end it all. No one cares, anyway.
It sounds like you have alota fears, you should get some mild anti anxiety pills, in about two weeks you should be making friends in no time.
Peace 🙂