Hello everyone,
My name is Chris and I am 21 years old. You most likely won’t read this. Like most of you, I’ve been entertaining thoughts of death to myself very highly lately. I’ll post my story in which most of you will probably call me ungrateful, selfish or something and I’ll take it. Honestly, I’ve had a pretty good life even as a kid but I knew there was always something wrong in my head or something. I remember at the age of 7, my window guard falling out and looking out that window and just thinking to myself as a little kid,” I should just jump out and die.” From that day on, I kind of knew something was wrong with me.
I’ve been blessed with probably the most tolerant parents ever and caring as well. The three of us together, have been through a lot together. I also have a brother, that I used to look up to a lot. In my early middle school years, I gained weight, and was the source for bullying somewhat. I started to lose weight once I got into High School and went to probably one of the shittiest high schools ever. Got into fights, was bullied, and a bunch of stuff. It got to the point where I skipped school for practically 2 years. At ages 15 and up, I always thought about suicide. For some reason, I can’t appreciate life. Call me crazy or anything, but I just can’t. I always hated school not because of my experience just cause I found it so pointless, and life just always stressed me out. I always thought to myself, why do I have to go through all of this just to live a decent life? I wasn’t asked to be born into this world, and wasn’t given the option to say Yes or no, so why? Like I said, call me ungrateful, but atleast if I didn’t exist I wouldn’t have had such thoughts or even have to deal with it.
Now I don’t want to sound full of myself or anything, but I’m also not really an ugly kid. I’ve messed around with a lot of girls, and had my fun. In the end of the day though, it never really did anything for me. I always felt something missing. I had my fair share of relationships as well. I just got out of a 2 year relationship and still dealing with it. My ex girlfriend is now pregnant, and it makes me feel like shes using it against me cause its funny when we were together we didn’t want kids, and knew what would happen if that situation came up. Now that we’re apart and she ended up pregnant, she wants to have the kid for what seems like to spite me. Even threatening to have the kid to do nothing with me. Mind you, she’s in the army and will deploy. You can say I’m making excuses and whatever, but I think all of that would be unfair to that kid. To go through so much hardships, parents being split up, mother in the military, not living in a house filled with love, unstable father, no proper living space. That’s what kills me the most, to know that I wouldn’t be properly raising that kid and it kills me more. I’m not even stable enough mentally, and she definitely knows this.  No matter what I tell her though, I’m always a liar, and just making excuses and thinking of myself. I could tell you all the things that happened in those 2 years together, but that’s too long of a story. It was 2 years of happiness but also a lot of pain and suffering from both of us. We both messed it up.
I also have a brother who I no longer keep in contact with that I used to look up to as a kid. He became someone completely else that I never expected, and I really do hate him to death. These thoughts of suicide cross my mind more now than ever, but I don’t think I could ever do it. I don’t think I could ever muster up the courage to do it. As sad and pathetic it may sound, there’s one being I truly live for, and that’s my precious cat. My cat means everything to me, and is my pride and joy. She’s the closest thing I really have and consider her as my child. Honestly, I wake up every day just to see her. She’s really what keeps me going. Sad, huh?
The worst part is, as wonderful as my parents are, I feel like they never fully understand me. I try to explain to my mom things how I feel, and how everything makes me feel, and that I can’t deal with anything anymore. She just tells me you have to get up and be strong. Everything will be fine. The same generic answer you hear from anyone, and it sucks cause I feel like no one will full understand my pain in my head. I also have some of the most amazing friends in the world, but it makes me feel terrible as all I’ve been doing is acting “fake” with them. I’ve put on a mask and smile in front of them and laugh but the truth is deep inside, i’m hurting. I’ve cut myself very little, but have inflicted a lot of physical damage to my own head with my fist when I get so severely sad, frustrated, and angry. I’m a self destructive person, and it’s what I’ve become, and no one really wants to help me. My own ex seems like she doesn’t care if I go away and die, and I keep telling her it’s going to happen eventually, so don’t be surprised when it does. She always thinks I’m just saying things just to say it….
I don’t know anymore everyone, I wish I could share my entire life with all of you easily, but I can’t. All I know is, I can barely take what life is dishing to me anymore…
11 comments
No matter how unbad your parents were and are, still things that are small pains can grow quietly behind the scenes. Careful about branding yourself at 7 because of the window episode. You likely don’t recall all the external factors that led up to that moment at the window.
I used to wish I had better parents and still do but I did live with a family when i was in my 30’s where all seemed well enough, even enviable …but after living with them I saw that although they didn’t have the horrible big hellish drama that my family did there was still an undercurrent of pain that translated into the lives of the children, each in their own way though clearly connected to how their parents treated them. Yet not a single one of them were conscious of the problem. (My being a damaged, hypervigilant, sensitive outsider was an advantage to seeing) Around the dinner table things were said that blew my mind but no one consciously noted… comments about the youngest sons weight gain, praise for the oldest’s son’s accomplishments, ignoring the middle son, the father putting down the mother ever so slightly and perpetually.
You are clearly fair and loving (you acknowledge that you both messed up in your last relationship, you care for the child and though it is never the reason to have a child there is some evidence that having one leads to brain changes for the better.)
Marry the cat? OK that would be pittiful but let it be training wheels to see you through to the big ole complexities of human reationships and that is triumphant.
I doubt your ex is doing anything for the sole purpose of hurting you…there is another motive in addition to wanting to hurt you or entirely in place of wanting to hurt you at all .
I don’t think you’re being ungrateful.
I totally agree with your logic, none of us asked to be here, and we have every right to loathe it, that’s how I see it.
I also feel like I can relate a bit to the way you feel about your parents. My parents are loving, but I don’t feel like they understand me.
I envy you your skillz with the gurls. I really lack those myself 🙂
Oh, and your cat. I don’t think it sounds sad that you love her. I think it’s much better than being completely alone.
What about your daily life? Do you have anything to do, a job, studies or something like that?
You say you find everything hard to handle, I dunno if it’s the same, but I get overwhelmed by life, I feel like I’m 90 some days, so weak?
Can you imagine any life circumstances, which would be okay for you, which would fit you, where you would be okay about living on?
I can’t imagine anything getting better which is what drags me down. I don’t have a job right now or go to school. Searching for a Job in NYC has been ridiculous and another cause to bring me down. Everything as a result crashes down on me.
You can do anything if you put your mind to it. Around 4/5 years ago I wrote to a law firm in the empire state building. I didn’t get anywhere at first but pestered them so much that they offered me an interview. I live in the UK and had other stuff going on so never went in the end.
Anyway it’s past 6 so I’m going to check if money has come into my account. If it has I’m getting sozzled. Can’t believe I’ve gone all day without a drink
PS I used to be known as Duke of Marmalade
At least your economy is in better shape. We have constant threat of a eurozone meltdown, the Greeks always need bailing out and the frenchies keep moaning every 5 minutes
Yesssssssss! £50
Anyway I’ll report anything interesting like a near death experience, meeting a hot babe, running into an Alien or even worse an Alien masquerading as a babe.
Peace out
Okay, but can you imagine what “better” would be like, even though you don’t believe in it?
P.S. Enjoy your night out Duke 😉
Wasn’t much a night out than a few pints in the local. I took my iPhone so would have given everyone the running commentary. Nothing noteworthy.
Your really not being ungrateful your what 21? I’m only 14 and I have a pretty good life you know have the firneds the boyfriend the money everything but I feel like no one understands me to. When your mom said. Get up and stay strong she ment it. I always attempt suicie but I thing about other things to get it off my mind. Try it some time.