It’s 3 am, I can’t sleep, but I am tired.
I wrote a few weeks back, this is a follow up, things have not gotten any better.
I managed to tell a girl i was inlove with that it was so, she reacted as i had thought, told me there were no feelings and ignored it ever happened, it bothers me. Not just that i feel somewhat heart broken, It’s is not too bad. It is more the feeling that this is the one person i can talk to about my real thoughts, but it is slipping now. I feel myself growing more distant, not daring to trust even her with my thoughts. And i can’t i can’t not have anyone to talk with.
There were some items stored a place, we were only 5 people who could have moved them, they had a value at about 45 american dollars. And suddenly they were gone, this did not bother me, i had purchased them for all of us, i asked were they were, and everyone said they didn’t know, someone is lying me into my face, and i think it is her, When i asked her i felt she was lying. How can i trust someone who lies to me like this.
I can’t, I’ve been lied to enough, I can’t handle anymore lies, i can’t i wont, i shouldn’t have to. No one is left to trust, i have no lust for life left, and no trust in anyone really, i hate being lonely, but I can’t handle the pain of trusting. I wish i had a person in my life i knew i could trust.
It’s been terrible, ive walked 15 miles or so in the dark, because i just wanted to get away from the liars, and i fell asleep at a radom bus stop, only to find my way home the next morning. No one cares… movies, music, stories, they all make me cry, if they are about friendship or love, because it’s beautiful, and it hurts that i do not have that.
I do not know what is so terrible about me, that everyone needs to hurt me, but they do. Sometimes i feel it is not on purpose, but why does it happen all the time then. Girlfriends, friends, family. They all do tings that makes me want to cry, but i barely can, i want to. I wish i could have just one, just one whole day where i didn’t feel this sad, where i could smile or just be content for a whole day.
I’ve learned one thing, there is no such thing as deserving or fairness in this world, I am a good person, i treat people with repect, I don’t ever yell or scold i only explain how i feel sad i was hurt or disappointed, I love people, i really do, and i feel that i am a good person, but i keep getting hurt, burnt, ditched and tortured by my own mind.
Suicide is alwas on my mind, always i canøt escape it, i feel i want to do it, but i am scared shitless, and i also feel that there are people who would be hurt, even if i do not care alot for those people anymore, i try to care, i want share and be happy with them, but my mind won’t let me, because they have hurt me in the past.
I writing freely, not giving it much thought, just what comes into my head im putting down here. M whole life is written in failure, It is okay tho, because i know whats important to me and it is not sucess it is love, i have none of that either however, not given to me atleast, or so i feel, except my dogs they love me… more than i do.
I am slowly growing more and more unable to talk to my therapist, I can’t say important things, i can’t tell her of my female friend and how i love her and she hurt me, I can bare talk about my suicidial thoughts or my murderous ones, i am scared of those, i have them, i have vivid violent fantasies about hurting people, even killing some, and it terrifies me, i want to tell my therapist but i can’t, i do not know why.
I’ve start hurting myself, not cutting, i punch myself in the face or i pull very hard at my skin or bite my lips to bleeding, I don’t know why. I have not told my therapist, can’t, my mind goes blank if i try to say these things.
I hate myself, I am wrong, I am weak, I am ugly. Who would ever want to be with a depressed self hurting freak, who hates himself, is inlove with what he can’t have, and barely is able to upon up to you, who would want to be with a guy who needs you all the time but has no strength left to be there for you. I can’t be there for others, i want to be there i really do but i have no strength left, none, mentally or physically. I am a freak who can’t control his thoughts or emotions.
I need love. Where is it? Why is there none for me? Why does no one talk to me. I don’t want to talk to anyone yet i want to talk to someone. I hope any of this makes sense to anyone.
3 comments
I sure wish there was a way I could alleviate your pain. If there were some magical words to heal your tortured soul, I’d say ’em. However, advice and sympathetic words can only go so far but they do manage to… make the aching wounds in our hearts less severe..
As my friend once told me, “Don’t be afraid. What you fight for becomes who you are. The more fighting you do, the stronger you get even if they’re losing battles. The limits you set on yourself are meant to be tested.” And, I’m really grateful to my friend because after being alone all my life, I finally have someone who was able to fill the gaping hole inside me.
Now if only someone on here could provide better advice. Something..
I know what you mean… All year, I’ve been listening to him talk only about her… I told him how I feel and he just threw my feelings aside. He doesnt understand. He got rejected and still thinks im not worth it. Then, everyone lies to me… My friends do, my dad does. EVERYONE… send me an email… we can talk if you want
i like to think what gaara’s friend said. the more you fight, the stronger you’ll become. similarly i think that if i just hold out, that something good will happen.
although i don’t think we should have to depend on someone to keep our minds straight, i think that if i’m just patient enough someone will show up that makes me want to live. i have a couple friends that already make me want to live .. i just don’t know.
you should be living for yourself, not for others. as should i