I tried to become a better person. To stop the things that make me hate myself so much.
I talked about this before but it’s starting to become a big problem again.
Thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I’m so disgusted with myself and the situation.
I just made it to partner 32, yay for the whore!
I was doing so well, three months. No sex. I was so proud of myself. But then they came back. And because I’ve been avoiding instead of dealing with the problem directly I crumbled.
I did say no, I did move his hand when he tried to touch me. I tried but didn’t try hard enough. And I faked it. haha.
I was thinking to myself, ask for a condom, just ask for the fucking condom stupid! But I said nothing. I just laid there and let it happen.
I mean I might as well start getting paid for this stuff. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t gotten pregnant yet.
Guess Ill take the stupid plan B and get to bleeding and cramping and all that awful stuff. LOL I have taken Plan B more times than should be allowed. Think I’m going to ruin my chances of having kids in the future.
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And I’m really trying to get independent. Find a job and my own place. Because living at home I’m getting belittled everyday. I’ve already started looking for apartments but I need a job bad.
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I think about dying all the time. Not killing myself because I don’t think I’m capable of it but I do imagine how I would go out. How while I’m walking down the street someone would run me over with their truck or I would be shot by a stray bullet. A wire snapping and electrocuting me or strangling me. I think about getting raped and my throat cut, I mean I might as well die that way. I think about someone sneaking into my house while I’m sleeping and killing me. Or the stove being left on and I die from carbon monoxide poisoning.
I honestly believe regardless of words of encouragement that I am a big waste of space and energy. When I reflect on my life that’s all I see. Even in the present I’m not seeing anything worth while. People say forget about the past or learn from it, I try but I keep failing.
18 comments
wow, i feel exactly the same about dying. i think about it all the time. i just think the whole world would be better off without me.. i was a mistake when i was born and im ruining peoples lives around me… everything is always my fault even if i didnt do anything everyone blames me for everything. man i hate myself
that is dark. and i think i like your brain.
y please don’t wish such negativity on yourself.
next time, just ask for a condom. or tell him that he get’s nothing without a condom. he’ll most likely pick some up.
good luck. you should email me sometime :
swiftburrito@hotmail.com
Hello again cherry blossom,
thought i’d give it one more try….i have just finished dealing with a major trauma in my life that happened many years ago…it included my dad calling me a whore and a whole lot more….i was telling my partner about it earlier this evening…lol…and he was amazed….i asked him why he was shocked…he said he couldn’t believe my dad would say that…and then i said…but I was a whore…his jaw hit the floor…and then I reminded him that he had only known me for 15 years…lol
The truth is that I was called slut and whore before I even technically lost my virginity…at least with consent. I fought back at first…and then I just sorta accepted it…but not until my dad said what he did to me…I was 22 at the time…and already had 2 babies…was working 3 jobs…yup…that got me somewhere…lol…but I played the whore….I am not a whore…and neither are you….you are a victim….a survivor…but never a whore…that is what they made you feel…it isn’t real. I can’t stress the importance of a sexual assault counsellor enough…seriously…the only thing that got through to me in 35 years of therapy…and keep in mind…they said that Mary Magdalene was a whore…and Jesus loved her best. Would love to help in any way I can…let me know….but please stop calling yourself a whore….a whore is someone who takes away innocence…and I don’t think you were ever allowed much…innocence…but you are not alone….please don’t quit trying
Amakua
Can I email you Amakua?
Sometimes things have to come to a point where you lose it, and literally snap…which shocks your own nervous system that it wakes you up and you say ‘no f’n more’…that’s it! I hope for your own health and well being that strength bursts forth in you so as to protect and realize your value and worth. Good luck.
You most certainly may…it is my user name at hotmail.ca
would like to talk more privately myself
Amakua
she wasnt sexually assaulted. she said she laid there and allowed it to happen. she needs to go to school and get a job from what i read. a chastity belt would work better than a counselor in that situation.
Excuse you, Mister Miles, but did you just come on here to spread hate and start shit? You should just piss off. Ama, I know it’s amusing, but poor CherryBlossom’s thread is getting ruined.
And I know you’re not an idiot GoodGirl…lol…just me….oopsie…again…sorry
Stoopid old woman
Slow learner…lol
I know. I read her post and all of the comments. I didn’t like what he had to say to her either. But he seems like such an idiot that if I were CherryBlossom I wouldn’t pay him any mind.
lol, i wasnt jokin about the chastity belt. that really works. lots of countries still use them for cases like that. if it will keep her from gettin VD or worse i dont see what the problem is. if she was my kid she’d be in one right now
A chastity belt isn’t going to solve her problem. It goes much deeper than that. I liked ama’s idea of seeing a sexual assault counsellor.
Actually Mister Miles you need to go and read my other posts to understand what ama is talking about. You saying some very blunt and insensitive things w/ out understanding what I’m talking about. I am in school and finding a job isn’t as easy as your saying it to be. And I don’t have family I can talk to about these things.
Hey CherryBlossom,
Sorry again about this morning….but when he left that ignorance for you…and he didn’t just do it to you….I saw red…lol…but apologize for crapping all over your post for sure….I would like to say that I won’t do it again….but if he comes back?…lol…sorry Glad to see you cleaned up my mess…sorry…just send me the cleaning bill…lol…i really do feel bad tho.
In the end…for obvious reasons…some things are better left to e-mail…lol…and I would still very much like to hear from you.
Lots of Love
Amakua
No worries 🙂
I tried emailing not sure if i sent it to the right address.
amakua@hotmail? or amakua2309?
Amakua2309@hotmail.ca
thx procel 🙂
Hello CherryBlossom
yeah thx procel….and yes…i just checked….will e-mail you back tonight if you don’t mind…I want to give you my full undivided attention….you deserve it.
That Procel is always taking care of me…and he loves his mother too…so love to Procel
Lots of Love
Amakua