it`s my dad`s death anniversary. I`m adopted. And my real dad…well, it`s his death anniversary tonight he killed himself in front of me. my dad, he shot himself. in front of me. When i was 12. Nothing much happened for awhile, I guess it needed some time to sink in. Then when i turned 15, i got hospitalized like 3 times for attempted suicide that year. There was nothing i wanted more than to just die and i was so mad cuz they wouldn`t let me. You know how it feels when everyone`s secretly blaming me…the kind of blame where no one really says anything out loud but you can see it…in their eyes and you can feel it. it happened when i visited them he was in the den and i sat beside him. my adoptive parents didn`t know i stayed in touch with my real parents…so, yeah, i just visited them and i saw my dad in the den. he was crying if i knew better i swear i would`ve done something…i swear…i`m not a bad person… i…i didn`t know. i would`ve screamed or something. god….there`s not one day where i didn`t wish i died instead of him. I killed him. I fucking killed him. I stood there and watched him take his life. I stood there and didn`t do fucking anything, I didn`t scream or run or anything I just fucking stood and watched him die….i should die. And you know what? like, i go look for random guys and shower them with love then i end up in more pain than i started with because it turns toshit cuz he didn`t ask for it. I`m 18 now and nowhere near better….i just want everything to end.
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I need someone to talk to……..email me…yeah? therainbowjunkie@yahoo.com
You didn’t kill him. He killed himself. His choice. His action. You’re not responsible for anything anyone else does – only yourself. How could you know what he was going to do? Unless he announced his intentions (and sometimes not even then) you couldn’t have known. Until you forgive yourself you’re going to carry this burden with you and you won’t be able to live under it’s weight. Give yourself a chance and forgive yourself – and him – for what happened. Good luck.
Hello catalina,
Holy shit! sorry…but that is horrible…especially how your 12 year old mind perceived it. You are right…you do need someone to talk to…
The truth is that you did exactly what most adults would do….you couldn’t deal with what was happening….so you froze…you were in shock…i am horrified that you have not had more understanding…you really need it and deserve it.
But if you are still here, most of us unfortunately would not be…you are an incredibly strong willed young lady….and obviously have a purpose…but first you have to understand…and that is what is missing…the understanding.
You suffer from severe PTSD….and that is tough…but there is hope…and I think you’re tough enough to get help and get past this. You really need professional help though…but I understand…you can not control your emotions to get the help you so desparately need…so you seek it in relationships that are again harmful…this is a cycle that can and should be broken.
Please let us help you if we can…atleast with the emotions…so you can get them maybe a little more under control.
You are Loved
Amakua
i`ve never cut more than i have today at any given point in my entire life…..i`ve magically lost all my fear of dying, but i`m secretly hoping someone`s gonna come in my door or call or text or something….anything….
sorry catalina….you may have to save yourself first….i know it’s hard…but talk…don’t cut…your emotions are overwhelming you….that is why…i can’t stress enough….you are having a colossal temper tantrum…and I don’t mean that to be insulting….everybody understands why…but please…don’t hurt yourself anymore…that is not the answer….btw….I have attempted suicide myself 7 times…but the last one was 10 years ago…so I am speaking from the position of survivor…and I know you are a survivor too….it’s just soooo hard…please…you don’t really have to do it “totally” alone…please tell us about the fear, and the pain and the rage that have brought you here….you are here for a reason…how did you get here in the first place? Tell us what you need and we will listen and not judge…but talk….it will help….it’s just difficult…
I am glad to know you are not afraid of dying any longer…that’s half the battle right there….the other half is to learn not to be afraid of living…and that is what i would like to help you with.
Breathe Love
Amakua
Hey Catolina i’m pretty sure Amakua has covered most points. But i will enforce the fact that we’re here. It wasn’t your fault that your father left as for your reaction it was normal. You didn’t understand what he was doing and when you did you were in shock. Anyone would do the same in this situation you can’t blame yourself from something out of your control. Do you remember what it was like to live before? There is a chance you can get that again- why not take it. Get professional help, or atleast talk to someone that was in the situation. You’d be surprised how well they understand.
Take Care
Catolina, I used your email to try and contact you in case you need to talk 🙂
Joe