I always wonder, what would life be like if i was more….appealing, attractive, pretty…you know? i wonder if my life would be different, and if i would have all these suicidal thoughts. Personally i think everything would be better. The reason i get treated like shit now is because the way i look. I think if i was pretty, more people would respect me and treat me better. The other day i realized how much i hate myself. i realized that maybe im ugly, because i have ugly thoughts. or maybe because i just do horrible things. Im just an horrible person. Im so selfish to my family. i dont do much for them, or share with them. But i always put my friends first. sometimes. Im so nice to a lot of people, but yet they treat me like shit. I lie so fucking much to my friends and family just to make my life sound like its good, and make it sound interesting like theirs, but its not. so i try to keep quiet and don’t talk to no one anymore. Â My Life is boring. I get up every morning wishing i was dead. Im still trying to give myself another chance at life but, ugly people get no respect. Trust me, im really trying to change myself before the end of next month (suicide date) but i don’t know if i can. I see all my class mates from elementary and middle school, and every last one of them are drop dead gorgeous. Its like im the only one who just never changed. i actually think i got uglier too. I dont know, i just want to end this, the pain im feeling. because each year i tell myself, “things will get better” but they always seem to get worse. the name calling, the teasing, bullying, everything. im thinking about just killing myself before march 31st, maybe sooner. i just had this stuff on my mind all day. bye.
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It made me so sad to read this because I was just like you. When I tried to commit suicide I took every tablet in the house and was really sick then slept until my housemate found me and took me to the hospital. When I woke up I was so sad to be alive still. My mum was so desperate to make everything ok so paid for me to have plastic surgery. But I still wasn’t happy and had more plastic surgery. But I still wasn’t happy. I always thought I’d be happier if I had more money, a boyfriend, better skin or a better car. But still none of it helped. Because under it all I wasn’t happy just being who I am.
The only words of hope that I can offer is that through all of that it wasn’t always bad. Some things were great, some days I just loved to be alive and everything felt like it was just the way it should be.
Most important for me was to have someone I could trust to tell how things were going. If I have no one to talk to I’ll just get my laptop and go to Word and just type exactly everything I’m thinking and feeling. Sometimes (a lot to start with) I cry as I type and just get it all out. Then when I’ve written everything I need to I close the program without saving it…. then I usually feel a lot better.
Best of luck and please think carefully of how devastated your family will be if you do go ahead with your suicide date.
i’m sorry things are so hard,i understand so much.:( i developed an eating disorder when i was 15 because of my low self esteem,and you know-it was never really about what i looked like. it was because of the abuse i had gone through as a child,and my low self esteem because i had been told i was worthless.i felt so ugly,because i was told that by someone i loved who abused me and i believed it,even though it’s NOT true. when people tell you things enough and put you down you start to believe them.you sound like a good person to me,you know why? horrible people don’t tend to care how their actions effect other people.the fact that your worried about it speaks volumes about who you are,it’s evidence that ARE a good person.and i doubt your ugly either!! i don’t think anyone is.i hate it when people say things like that because i think we’re so self critical,and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. someone who thinks one person is good looking isn’t gonna think everyone else is too,and vise versa.i was so obsessed with my “fat” that it almost ruined my life,and i couldn’t see that i’m a pretty girl inside and hey,outside too,that i have beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile because i was so obsessed with how many inches my thighs were. the people who are telling you these things,that your ugly,aren’t worth two cents and are probably just feeling bad for themselves,and are probably ugly inside. just consider the source. you remind me so much of myself- i used to be so self critical,and now at 19,and in recovery-when i look at pictures of myself at 15 when i first got sick,i don’t see “ugly”like i used to. i see a kind good hearted little girl with anorexia and low self esteem. and i notice that i WAS pretty.i’m sure you are too. you just have to look at the beautiful things about yourself instead of the things you feel are flaws. everyone has flaws-it’s inevitable,and those girls you think are beautiful are probably just as self critical as you are. hang in there okay? i hope you realize that your a beautiful person inside and out.
Our perception is everything.