I just turned 20, I’m a freshman in college studying what I love, I’ve met the girl that I’m pretty sure I’m going to marry, and I want to kill myself. With another year of age comes another year of new responsibilities, and I feel like real life has finally shown itself to me. The last few weeks have been nothing but emotional torture for my girlfriend and I, with issues beyond our control. I’ve let my studies slack (just my general ed’s, I’m fine with my Major studies) and now I’m looking at an F in a mandatory freshman class. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but it’s not the first time it’s happened. I ALWAYS do this, I always, without fail, get myself into these emotional stunting situations that leave me paralyzed and numb. I’m SICK of making excuses for myself, and I hate myself for being stupid enough to let things slip AGAIN! On the outside I know I look calm, collected, and very, very happy, but really I’m just sick of it. I know people will say to just ride it out and things will get better, and it’s true, they do, but they also get worse, and it seems things have just been getting worse. What’s the point of pushing through it if we’re just going to end up in another sad, heartbreaking situation. It makes no sense to me. As I said before, I’m just sick of everything. The stress of school, the weight of a relationship, the pressure to be wildly successful in the future, however wonderful and great those things may seem they are meaningless when the inevitable end of life for all of us is considered.
I’m done.
Rant over.
2 comments
You have solved the riddle and reached clarity.
But things would have been happier wallowing in blind hope and not realizing how life is.
And sometimes you reach the breaking point.
Obviously you have more possibilities ahead of you but that does not lessen the burden of life.
And yes life goes in a cycle of up down and up down like a perpetual roller coaster.
But are the ups in your life worth the downs?
Analyze that deeply and if the answer is yes then continue.
If no then you can still either keep trying or choose to stop playing.
The fact that you recognize that you are stronger should give you a clue to the most valid choice for you right now.
You know and that is more than some people.
Whatever the case I wish you success and more pleasure than pain.
To be wildly successful and rich does not always mean you will be happy. For example say you start your own business cleaning pools, nothing wrong with that of course, and you make make millions. If you are not interested in what you do, you are just spending part of your life collecting pieces of paper – money. Money yes can buy material things but that doesnt come close to your own satisfaction and view of how you lived your life. When you are older you will want to look back and see that you spent your life doing what you loved! Money is infinitesimal in the long run. I just graduated college last year so I definitely can relate to all the pressure you are going through in school. College will always be there so if you are overly stressed with your g/f, take a break from college. If your relationship is too heavy, talk about it with her. You hit on good points, just end up doing what you love, it may take some time to figure that out but there is plenty of time.