Let’s cut to the chase… no one really cares. Yesterday I asked my friend, the only one who knows how badly I want to die, how he’d feel if I told him that I was going away and never returning… never contacting him again. I’m not about to whine to you because my girlfriend stabbed me in the back or because I never got the pony my poor ass family could never buy me… actually, in most ways, I have it pretty ‘together’ and most people who “know” me wouldn’t get that I’ve wanted my life to end every day for the past 11+ years. I guess I could tell you why, but it doesn’t matter why… no one really cares why. Apparently there are no valid reasons anyway… except that people don’t want you to do it for all I can see is their own selfishness or because they feel some kind of duty to prevent the premature demise of a soul they only think they know. I guess I might understand this but if you can’t fix me, then you should be delighted that I’m making a decision to end my tortured existence. 11 years… 11 F-ING YEARS! Isn’t that enough or shall I continue for another decade of the same bull $#!+? I am eyeballing the ties in my closet… a simple motion I do almost every day to wrap the thing around my neck, secure with a knot… only what if the loose end was attached to the door knob instead of dangling down my torso… [testing] …ok, it actually felt fine… like I could go all the way. The silk felt comfortable around my bare skin and as I pulled so tight I began feeling light headed; I felt as if I could just pass out without having to actually “hang” myself. I read it takes under 15 seconds to pass out from the strangulation of a hanging… that’s it?! What’s the catch, seriously. And what’s with all the people slitting their wrists and constantly failing? That was my previous exit strategy… I did all the research and made some ‘trial runs’… not attempts (my first will count), but just some cuts alongside my veins as I was curious about the pain involved. I actually started cutting for a few months after that but it’s just so stupid… really. I love seeing my blood and the pain is quite addictive, but really? Is that what I’ve become? I guess it’s more of a reason, not that I haven’t justified it to myself already, to ‘pull the trigger’. I am still light headed from strangling myself a few minutes ago… seriously, what is the catch? If I pass out, and no one intervenes, I will eventually run out of air and suffocate… right? I guess I’m sold. So why not just do it then… right? It is so easy to kill yourself if the frame of mind is right… so yeah, my mind frame is ‘right’, except one thing… God. So really? that’s ‘all’ that’s keeping me here? Yes… my faith is the ONLY thing that is keeping me alive. What’s messed up for me right now is that I’m seriously testing my faith… testing God. Not that this concept is new, but I’m practically convinced that God is calling me to take my life. It’s not like I believe the ‘rope is going to break’ if I’m wrong, I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live like this… how God could allow me to live like this. If I’m wrong, then clearly I was mistaken and will be perhaps forgiven since I wasn’t in the right frame of mind… or I was mistaken and God never wanted me in the first place. Either way, I’m done doing this life.
So anyway, my friend said he would be ok as long as I wasn’t talking suicide, but really, he knew. I was more interested in hearing myself say what I will eventually say to my brothers… as a means of saying goodbye before I go. I haven’t talked to my dad in 12 years so he should be fine and my mom, who I have no relationship with, already said she is ok with me dying… but not necessarily by my own hand. I guess I’m calling out to you people as well but expect only what I’ve heard a million times before. My email is nodrahma@gmail.com. please feel free to write and perhaps share your experience… maybe I can even help you with something; I’ve ‘survived’ a lot in my 32 years on this earth.
John
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ive sent you an email
I’m curious to know why you want to die. I’m also curious to know in what way you’re ‘testing god’. What is it that you want?
if u have been wanting to die for so long and so badly, then y havent u just done it already? idk about u but it looks to me like u just want to start drama… god isnt really there for u and obviously ur family and friends dont care, so y even wait? im not trying to be a *****, just realistic.
i tied a rope around my neck ,i was off the ground a little wen i bent my knees,untill i past out, i had to be hanging there punching my throat for a half an hour stairing at the clock, i made the rope right under my adams apple, cause that bone isnt attached to anything its just gripping around your asopigus or however you spell it good,once thats damaged you die within seconds,i passed out and gain consiounce breathing normal again,and i took a lot of serquell,so i think some people just get lucky,
To Im fine: I am fine too… I don’t want anything… nothing on this earth. You people (you know who you aren’t) want it all and want to stomp all over me in the process. Your ugliness is why I want to die.
To ashlie: your ignorance is astonishing. I’m here to start drama? I think I am here for a release and you are the one starting the drama. I don’t care about your opinion nor your antagonism.
To diam0nd: Thanks, I’m in the process or reading/responding.
I think I know what you mean. I look at the world and shake my head in disbelief. Sometimes I get a chance to see a more natural world, green growing plants and things of true beauty but there’s so little left and getting less all the time. Humanity’s greed and need to control and dominate is all-consuming. It’s so sad.
Still not clear in what way you’re testing god though. What do you hope to achieve by that?
My thought process is that I am convinced that God is letting me continue with these thoughts for a reason… He knows I don’t want these thoughts and that I don’t see any other way out, so it is my test to God that if He wants me to continue living, he will give me the will to continue once I have reached my breaking point. Otherwise, I have to conclude that He is ok with my decision, or at least will forgive me. The test will accomplish whether I am to live or die… there is no rhyme or reason to it really, I am pretty sure I am insane.
I don’t think you’re insane. There’s a certain logic to what you’re saying but I think you haven’t considered the old ‘free will’ get-out clause that enables god to get out of any actual responsibility for anything that happens to you or you choose to do. I think, also, that you’d be expected to pray/ask for help. I think?
Help has been received – with and without prayer. God has given me more than I can ask for so I know He is there. Asking/praying for this torture to be over… maybe death is the answer… maybe God is giving me a clue, a hint, by not taking these thoughts away. I actually agree… death seems like the only answer. I know ultimately this is MY decision, but I also know that God is powerful enough to alter that decision. I can’t convince myself otherwise… I guess talking about it eases my thoughts but it has only been a band-aid solution so far… :/
I was always lead to believe that you weren’t supposed to ask for what you want but for what god wants to give you – his will, not yours, be done -that kind of thing. Instead of asking for an end, perhaps, ask for the strength to do his will. That’s nice and ambigous and I guess then you’ll see what kind of strength you get which might give you an idea of what he wants you go do.
And if talking helps, then by all means – talk.
To Im fine: I agree… I don’t ask God for anything but for Strength and Guidance to do His will. I’m asking that this torture* be over (*torturous thoughts of my demise)… not an end to my life; I’ve been asking for 11+ years. In my heart I really do want to live… my mind however disagrees. I believe that for the most part, I am doing His will, and maybe killing myself is actually part of that will. Maybe I should start praying for the strength to kill myself… that I have never prayed for. :/ Being borderline facetious there but you get the picture, right? How much longer does one wait? I only got like 50+ years to go (unless I get lucky), right?
It’s always hard when heart and mind don’t agree. Which one do you follow? No matter which one you choose, you’d wonder if it was the right one.
Some people might say that you not wanting to die in your heart is gods sign that he wants you to live. Personally I think it would be easier if he went in for sky writing… or a nice note dropped at your feet. At least then you might have a chance of knowing what you’re supposed to do. Perhaps you should take a time out from trying to work out what he wants from you and work out if you can live for yourself? Just a thought.
use your brain , not your heart. most are here cause they listened to their heart . use your brain and it will point you in the right direction. rule #1 in this life. don’t trust anyone except yourself. I don’t care if you’ve been married 20 years. don’t fully trust them or they will shit on you eventually. words of wisdom.
Im Fine: Taking a “time out” from what I feel I should be doing for God? There’s no conflict in working out anything for anyone… God, me, period. I don’t want to live for myself… that doesn’t even make sense to me. The point is I want to die…
… continued… wanting to live ‘in my heart’ stems from longing for a world that is worth living in. I guess change the world, then change my mind; fat chance, eh? I’m just being realistic here… I love to fantasize about a world that doesn’t exist but my mind knows better. Like Mister Miles says… “use your brain…” It’s as if the only way I’d want to live is for my brain to conform with the world… choosing death seems like a more feasible option.
Fair enough. You just seemed to be a little conflicted but I guess I read that wrong. And yes, the world is rather disappointing. I can understand not wanting to be a part of it.
Good luck.