I’ve never been abused. Never been neglected. I’ve never failed. I have graet co-workers and a loving family (though quite overbearing @ times).
I was bullies in every grade! Where was the publicity and outcry then???
I cry myself to sleep every night. Who hears me?
I hurt any second I am not actively ingaged in conversation with somebody. Who notices?
Why is suicide a bad thing for chronic depression? It’s not a phase in my life… I’ve been this way since I was 5. I’ve been on meds. I’ve seen a couselor. Why should I suffer every morning knowing I have to face another day. Why? Because people care about me? If they cared so much, they wouldn’t want me to suffer every day.
3 comments
If you were bullied in every grade, for all the love your parents gave you–because all parents have their weaknesses and faults–they did not teach you healthy assertiveness and the skills and tools to cope with conflict and rejection. There’s an awful lot of bullies, and awful lot of people who’ll push and take more than their share and being able to learn in life to assert ourselves, to know our own worth, and to stand up for ourselves calmly and with confidence is a critical life skill. So maybe, just for now, instead of thinking of depression, how about you go to a counsellor or read up on how to develop your assertiveness, to stand your ground? It could help so much with overcoming depression? Somemtimes just learning a few skills can open up a world of hope.
You’re right, they weren’t…but at the same time, they did not know (my parents are very nieve and always assume the best) to this day I am very passive and would rather not cause conflict, unless in defense of someone else. I do not so much dwell on the acts of bullying anymore with the exception of what it deprived me of: friendships. I have no close friend – simply “current” friends. I had none growing up, and now that I work, my job requires me to move every so often. I have many friends at the time, but after moving, I seem to become an after thought. Sure I partially blame myself for chosing a job which I know will not help my situation, but in all honesty, I’ve come to the point in my life where I’m done trying. I’ve seen couselors, tried tacticts, been on meds… and really, after all this time, I don’t even want to get better now. A situation I feel that no matter what surrounding I’m in, even among others who are hurting or recovering, I feel as though no one will truely understand what I’m going through – when in reality I know I’m not alone.
Thank you for your words of advice and encouragement. I truely do appreciate it
redchair, I know it’s hard, but building your self confidence and sense of self worth, learning to interact with others from a place of self confidence and self worth and assertiveness also shows people your worth and that builds stronger, healthier relationships, which in turn builds trust and happiness–which kicks depression hard.
It’s sort of like creating a resume that is full of insecurities, underminines your achievements and has the message of being a pushover, a scapegoat, easily used and all disrespect and violations of one’s boundaries will be endured with no consequences or confllict.
The people who “hire’ you for a “relationship” will likely be the ones who are interested in hiring someone they can exploit, scapegoat, etc. Others might simply look at the resume and not see your achievements, your skills, your abilities. That just leads to one depressing interaction as another.
You have to believe in yourself in order for others to believe in you. You have to teach people how to interact with you, show those who might find it easier to scapegoat you when they’re frustrated with their own lives that that’s not OK, step by step…
I have actually asserted myself, my rights, and then been hit by a powerful suicidal urge as if I had to punish myself for the audacity of thinking I had a right to stand up for myself. I have been rejected and abused and exploited because I was afraid of asserting myself and conflict and the consequence of being rejected, but in the end, not only did I have the depression of being treated worthless, I was also rejected… It’s painful and difficult to learn to be assertive, to believe in your worth, to protect yourself, but with practice you can overcome that and life starts seeming less depressive and has more hope.
Don’t be done trying. You sound like a fine person and you deserve to learn the skills to be happy in life and to be recognized for the worthy human being you are.