i don’t want to kill myself. i don’t know if that means i’m not welcome here, but i’m tired of my life, so does that count? and the biggest thing is my life is fine. at least i haven’t been abused. i have no reason to believe people don’t like me. (yet i still think my friends secretly don’t want me around…) i’m just gonna list all the things i can’t stand, and, really don’t want to.
-ever since September, i’ve suddenly felt like the energy of my life has changed. nothing really happened, except that my older friends went to high school. but it hurts. one day i almost blacked out and i felt like my heart had been ripped out, because i realized my life was different in some strange way. like my old life, my old self, just disappeared over the summer. it just feels like i’m not the person i was 5 months ago. also, my future looks very bleak. like won’t be myself anymore once i’m an adult, and i’ll leave everything behind. i don’t want that, i was happy with my life just 5 months ago. why’d it change??
-i hate almost everything about myself. i’m not attractive, i’m clingy, i’m not talented.
-i’m so paranoid that my friends will just abandon me. why wouldn’t they?
-2 of my friends are being kinda bitchy, whenever i try to tell them how i feel they tell me i’m overreacting and to shut up.
-nobody understands. i’ve tried telling my guy friend (we used to be a couple, and he used to be bullied which led to depression, so i figured he knew me the best and he had experience with this. WRONG. he’s so clueless he didn’t even pick up when i hinted that i felt like shit. i feel like if i bother him anymore i’ll just be annoying.
-lately nothing has interested me.
the strangest thing is, i still laugh and am cheerful with my friends. do i have some sort of mild or manic depression? or am i just overreacting?
7 comments
Nobody can really determine that from a posting on a site. You really should see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist if you really want to know the answer to that question my friend.
This might be different:
This site is probably one of the few places that you can get advice from people that have been through exactly what you have and have also been clinically in a Depression. Not depressed, but in a clinical depression and there is a huge difference between the two. If you are trying to explain to someone how you feel and they tell you everyone gets depressed and you just have to push through it because it will not last…RUN THE OTHER WAY, because these people will screw you up worse than you are; they know nothing.
Unless you have actually been in a clinical depression, a person has no way of knowing how you feel, period.
This type of deep depression in most cases requires some medicine (pills) to get you through the hardest times and help you recognize the difference between being OK but unhappy, and what you have. Clinical depression can last from a couple of months to decades. I know someone that has been on antidepressants for almost 30 years because they have a permanent chemical imbalance in their body. That is the worst case, but most of the time you can get your head back on straight in a short period of time and stay that way, maybe for the rest of your life.
I know there are many good reasons why you can’t or wont get some counseling and some happy pills from the doctor, but it will be the biggest favor you ever do yourself.
I am an old man and I have been through all kinds of shit, but one thing that I am glad of is that I sought some professional help when I was young and did not try to rely on friends that knew nothing of my problems or mental anguish. Friends are important but you cant always rely on them more than just keeping you company. They may have their own private problems.
DR 🙂
That’s good advice from DeadRight – sometimes you just need to give your body a push to set the balance right, and a little medicating can do that.
I feel the same! Thought I’m much older than you, I read your description of life and (as hokey as it sounds) I feel as if I wrote it myself! In a weird way it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I feel like I’m talented as a musician, yet even my old friends and distant family won’t buy my album on iTunes. I have lots of people in my life who say how funny I am and how “someone†must be so lucky to “have†me, yet those who are closest to me don’t get me at all and think I’m ridiculous.
Contact me. Perhaps we can create our own “self-help†group. I truly believe that we are special people (no, not in some weird cult way!) and the world just doesn’t understand us. Nationalfan@mail.com
i’m sorry, i don’t think contact is a good idea. nothing personal, just staying safe. thank you for the offer, though.
Hello 🙂
I think it’s most likely you have clinical depression. I agree with deadright – don’t rely on your friends to help you. If you’re clinically depressed, often having people there to support you doesn’t actually make the depression fade. But it’s hard to get people to understand it anyway. Often people who have never been depressed just think it’s a kind of sadness – which of course it isn’t… It’s an illness, and lots of symptoms can come along with it. People who have been depressed can react in an even worse way sometimes; if they’ve been depressed because of terrible things in their life, they might demand what you have to be depressed about. It’s hard for a lot of people to understand that for some people depression is just an illness that they have. It doesn’t mean you’ll have it forever though.
Anyway, if you try to count on friends, you can feel a lot worse through things they say (like ‘overreacting’), sometimes much worse than they ever meant; most friends don’t mean to harm you.
I’d recommend seeing a doctor or therapist/counselor… maybe trying some talking therapy. There’s also medications but you tend to have to be a certain age before they’ll give them to you. But don’t let it get worse. Don’t try and live through it alone for too long. I did that – I was always too scared to see a doctor – and it ended up growing so much worse. If seeing a certain person (such as a counselor) is making you feel bad, or if they upset you with something they say, or don’t take you seriously, tell them or someone else who can help. Try to change things, even if you’re tired, or scared, or anything. Don’t let yourself believe things will stay this way. You could look up little things you could do that can help people with depression, like being outside lots, doing new things, being out early morning, etc. It doesn’t seem like much but sometimes you have to do things a few tiny steps at a time.
And like deadright said, people here have been through the same as you, which can be really helpful. This is always a place to talk. 🙂
Damn:(I know what you mean when you say “I feel like my heart’s beinq ripped out.”That’s the worst feelinq In the world!
Deadriqht It’s qood to hear from youyou scared me from I think It was your last post?