Yesterday was different. I took the knife and just started cutting myself. I didn´t even realize I was going to do it. Usually to cut I have to be pretty messed up, but for some reason last night I was somewhat normal according to my standards. Still the need to cut overpowered my senses without my notice. I am afraid that it is going to happen again and again, until the moment there is nothing for me to cut or I am finally dead. To be honest, by brain is telling me that it is not normal, I shouldn´t even think about it nevertheless I feel at peace by doing it. I feel that there is two sides to me, one that sees that cutting doesn´t help but makes things even worse. And the other side of me is the one that needs the cutting to feel calm and finally relax. I am like addict, but my heroine is cutting. My brother and father are destroying their lives with alcohol,but it seems my destruction will be brought about with cutting. Very encouraging thought.
It seems that my yesterdays episode was due to the fact I am an emotional wreck at the moment. A guy who literally destroyed my heart said to me that every time he remembers or is reminded of me he needs to drink, because the pain is overwhelming and by doing that he feels numb for a moment. It sent me off the edge, because I am not sure that I am over him. I still have feelings for him. He saw the real me, how twisted I am on the inside and he still wanted me. Of course it wasn´t always perfect,but still when it was good I was over the moon. At the same time there where times that I hated his gut´s for something he said or did. I am terrified of not finding someone who would want to be with me, a dark twisted soul. I am scared of them running away when they see my true colors. Maybe he was the best I could do. But still he broke the promise he made to me, that he would never hurt and he would always love me. He knew that if he dumped me I would want to know the reason why, and he could not even be a man enough to say to me that he couldn´t do a long distance relationship. Nad if still has feeling for me why didn´t he ask me how I felt about it before dumping me the way he did. He let me tell him he was jerk, that I hate his gut´s without a reply. He fucking knew how much it was going to mess me up, but he didn´t even care. And now he is telling me that he was a total asshole and he understands that he hurt me very much, but he still cares for me. He says that I am a wonderful person for forgiving him, but do I even have a choice. Of course I am telling him that he is not that bad. He really messed me up good. It´s not great either that i have always been a cutter when something happens that changes some situation in my life. Cutting helps me see myself from a distance. but at the same time I know that it is not the answer and by doing thatI hate myself even more. Yeah I sound like teenager, lovesick kid, but I am so tired of talking about my history, about my life. About my past. I needed to get somethings of my chest, because if i don´t it will gradually destroy me and that i do not want.
1 comment
It’s good that you posted this… Like you said, sometimes you need to get things off your chest. Cutting isn’t the answer… and you realize that. I’m glad that you don’t want to be destroyed. There is so much you can do. One day, you will find somebody who appreciates your true colors… and you will appreciate theirs. Love is often difficult… and sometimes it takes many tries to get it right. As for this guy, forgiving is admirable. You can forgive somebody without repeating the same thing again. You wrote that you might not be over him… and that might be his story, too.