I don't know what I'm doing here. I guess this is a chance to say
what's on my mind without upsetting my friends or going to prison for
talking about suicide. I don't know. (For the sake of the latter,
this is just talk..okay? So let me say what's on my mind and make
decisions for myself.)
These things usually begin with some background info, so here is mine.
I was 49 years old when I was arrested for being in the possession of
child pornography. It happened on December 11th, 2008. I was arrested
by US Immigration and Customs Enforcement, who had been monitoring my
activity on a file sharing network and determined that I had downloaded
child pornography to my computer. A year or so prior to my arrest, I had never seen child pornography and
didn't really care to. I was looking at porn on the Internet (the regular
stuff like you can see on cable TV or at an adult video store) and stumbled
across a way of getting free porn, all of the free porn I wanted, all for
free! It was like a single, lonely guy's dream come true! What I had not
anticipated is the powerful, corrupting influence that pornography can
have on someone who does not have friends and family to keep it in check.
Soon, what began as a casual diversion turned into an obsession that I
seemed unable to control. I became sick minded, but was too caught up
in it to see myself for what I was becoming. I eventually lost my moral
compass and no longer cared what was right or wrong, legal or illegal.
I never thought to keep my dirty habit a secret while I was online because
it had yet to occur to me that I was doing anything wrong. It only became
crystal clear on the day of my arrest. After six months in the county jail, the feds were done looking at all
of my porn and concluded that I was not worth their time. I had no naked
teenage girls chained up in my basement. There was no secret room where
I video taped kids in their underwear. I was just some loser who downloaded
a bunch of crap off of the Internet. However, the assistant DA could not
dismiss the charges. I did it, regardless of the intent, and he had a job
to do. The assistant DA who processed my case through the courts makes a living
investigating and prosecuting some of the saddest and sickest people in
our county – guys who chat with children online and attempt to have sex
with them. Men who trade videos of kids being raped and beaten. I have
a lot of respect for this man. I was living a pretty decent life before
all of this happened. I worked from home as a reporting analyst for a
company where I’d been employed for over 10 years. I lived in a relatively
safe and comfortable neighborhood. My friends and people I associated
with were respectable members of the community. To have this man counted
among them would not have raised an eyebrow. I met with with the assistant
DA the day that I signed for my time. He agreed that what I’d done could
not be equated to the crimes that he prosecuted on a daily basis. He was
not interested in pursuing my case, and would be happy to dispose of it
in a way that would be most satisfactory to me and to the people that he
represented. The prosecutor offered my attorney a probation arrangement that would
allow me to avoid any prison time. I would simply keep my nose clean for
a period of time, and then my charge would be dropped. I would have a
clean record. It would be as if though it never happened. Now...I would
have done WHATEVER it takes to meet the criteria laid out in this probation
arrangement. I would have slept in my car and begged for change on the
street corner if that’s what it would have taken to erase this ugly
blemish in my life. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to try. Without
consulting me, my attorney rejected the offer because it would require
that I pay several hundred dollars a month in fees. Since I lost my job
after being arrested, the opinion was that I would not be able to meet
the financial obligations of my probation and would be forced to accept
a guilty verdict and go to prison. So...me not knowing that I had a better
option, I signed for the next best thing which was two years in prison. I spent only five months in prison, so I am hardly a hardened convict,
but it really doesn't matter if it was 100 years or a single day. The
conviction has made life IMPOSSIBLE to live. I returned to a community
that finds me to be unacceptable. NOBODY will hire me. Well, I take that
back. Just in 2011 alone I was hired five times. Actually hired. Ready
to start work, with salaries ranging from 45 to 60 thousand per year.
However, once the background check came back, the offers were rescinded.
I've applied for work in every field, every category that I am able,
from warehouse guy to senior data analyst. I've stopped counting at 1000
the number of applications I've completed. It's probably three times
that many by now. I live in a halfway house, in a 12X14 room with two other men. I've been
here for more than a year and this is probably where I will be living
when I die. I have given up hope that anyone will ever hire me, or that
the law will change or that anything is going to happen that will allow
me to return to being a productive contributor to society. My mother
passed away last year and left me enough money to pay my rent and expenses
for about another year. I do not want to wait until I am broke and on the streets. I have decided
to die with dignity. I've determined the the helium method is the best
and most painless way out of miserable life. I am in the process of
setting up a will so that my last friend in the world can clean up any
remaining accounts, unfinished business, etc. I will not have a funeral.
Nobody would attend. And there's no point in burying me in the ground,
so I will request that I be cremated. My ashes can be chucked in the
dumpster for all I care.
There is a lot that I could have contributed to society. I am an intelligent,
personable, warm and giving person. I've always attempted to put other's
interests before my own. There's no reason to hate me. I do not drink
or abuse drugs. I don't even smoke. I have never harmed, threatened,
intimidated nor been inappropriate with anyone - man, woman or child -
ever in my life. I am about as normal, ordinary and just plain boring
of a person as you'll ever meet. I got involved in something that I should
not have. I deeply regret it and I feel blessed to not have any compulsion
to return to that sad chapter in my life. However, it does not matter.
An hysterical and judgmental, CHRISTIAN society has spoken. If I go to
hell for taking my own life, I will see all of them there.
7 comments
Do you have friends you can work for? I womder if you can have your record sealed.
I’m so sorry about your life…But hang in there. You can get a job..especially if there are people that have done worse and still have jobs..just move..get away…but dont give up on life. Things will get better…and if it counts, I believe you and believe IN you.
I’m really sorry about your life too.:( it’s so devastating when someone goes to jail and they are innocent.:( but like Rain said-don’t give up hope. i think moving is a good idea too. try to get a new start if it’s possible. you know your innocent,and God does too. that’s the most important thing,and what other people who don’t know the truth think doesn’t matter. I’ll pray for you,and I’m proud of you that you overcame your addiction.
I’m also proud that you overcame your addiciton… and I’m sorry for what I can only describe as a nightmarish series of events… Please don’t give up… I’m sure there is work out there. As ellachristina mentioned, God does indeed know the truth… When push comes to shove, that –IS– the most important thing. You are in my prayers.
Thanx everybody. Believe it or not, this kind of helps.
your welcome.:) don’t give up hope. your in my prayers too.
*you’re