Don’t Even Know Why I’m Here….

I’ll never figure out where I went wrong.  At one point in my life, about ten years ago, I had most everything I wanted.  A wife, home, and job.  Then one day I lost my job and wife all in the same day.  Since then, my parents have had to rescue me several times, which has cost them a fortune, and I had a good job, the plant closed, found another, also closed.  After two years of looking (2009-2010) I finally found another.  Most I’d ever made, great position.  Lost that job about a 6 weeks ago.  I think I’m losing my mind.  I used up all my savings and money going on for 6 weeks since then.  I have nothing right now.  I’ve developed a “social anxiety” disorder (I was told.)  I’ve isolated myself from friends, family and everything else.  I have a temp job that was supposed to start tomorrow, but because of whatever the hell is wrong with me, I’m almost sick at the thought of going.  Even if I do, I still will be so far behind, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my car and apartment.  I’ve had OCD and and some other odd things going on the last couple of weeks.  I thought about going to a hospital, but if I do, they say it would be for 2 or 3 days.  If I do that, even the temp job would be gone.  I went into the mental health place today, and they suggested it, but I had to lie and say I wasn’t thinking about killing myself.  But, I think, rather than go, I’m going to end it tonight.  Even if I show up for it, it’s a temp fix, and I’m back there again.  I barely made it through the two years looking for the last job I had, and I can’t do it again.  I’m so screwed up in the head, I want to kill myself, rather than go, which is rough for me, because of my little social problem, and the thought that it’ll probably just happen again anyway.  (losing it, or back to looking after it ends)  I didn’t used to be like this, I was outgoing and social.  Not anymore.  Another thing is, when I was looking, I had a plan, to get help to get back out there, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.  (I haven’t been with anyone since my wife.)  I was making progress, then I lose it, again.  I’ll be 44 in two weeks, and everything that I wanted is two steps back again, fading away.  If my life is going to be like this, I’m not interested.  I’m just tired, don’t understand what’s wrong with me, and don’t think I’ll be able to fix anything.  I don’t understand why I’ve cut myself off so much, and the not wanting to go to the temp thing, because of my “social” problems, I’d rather die.  I keep looking at the clock, seeing the time before I have to go to it.  I’d go for help in the hospital, then if it’s two or three days, and by some miracle, if I felt better, even the stupid temp thing is gone, and my phone, internet, and car insurance are gone.  Catch 22.  I don’t have the strength, and I don’t understand why I am what I have become.  So, I think tonight I’m going to go ahead and do it.  (It’s hard to get excited about the temp thing, in a couple months, I’d be back looking again, and the thought of going is making me sick – Pathetic)  So, I guess that’s it.