False strength.

You come from a family that throws the word love around like it is going out of style.  Hugs and kisses aplenty.  Very stable as far as emotional content.  Ah but there is not always food.  You have to attend school in rags. Your friends enjoy their toys and games but you have little or none.  Not because they lack, but to teach you independence. To teach you discipline. To teach you responsibility.

Oh and when you are attacked an abused on multiple occasions over several years, you are told to suck it up and man up about it.  Because you are a boy and not a coward. Fight the other kids back.  And because no adult could or would ever do anything to hurt a child. Especially not violate them sexually.  And you keep getting sent to the abuser for them to babysit you.  Course since your family does not believe you, you do not think anyone else will so you bury it deep inside.

You jump off the roof because you want to die.  Run in front of cars. Jump in front of trains. But that reptilian life instinct stops you from fully committing. Makes you have injuries instead of death. The abuser gets murdered.  Still the effect is there buried deep.  You have an aversion to any type of touch. But you grit your teeth and bear it so as not to hurt their feelings.  The ones who would not believe.  

You want to be left totally alone. But you cannot. So you learn to play their game. You work hard to fit in so nobody can see that you are a disgusting thing for letting someone abuse you.  It is easy because people like happiness and joy.  Everyone wants to be your friend and shake your hand but each touch, each gesture to get closer to you just makes you feel worse inside.  As bad as the original violation.  Everyone comes to you because they percieve you as a man of titanium. Yet you are nothing but a weak coward inside. Quivering, sniveling, crying, weeping, wailing.

The therapists cannot make the sickness go away.  The drugs cannot cure it. And the few times in your life that you have been intimate with a woman, you feel sickened at yourself afterwards. You did not want to do it at first but you went through with it because you did not want that woman to think you were a freak or a wierdo.   And you only dated because you did not want family and associates to think the same.

But you have hated yourself your whole life and that along with health issues and other mental issues is unbearable.

Yet fear keeps you holding on.

Until you conquer it and get ready to die.