i’ve been contemplating suicide for about half a year now. just cant fucking take it. im 18 and i have never had a girlfriend, which i know, sounds like im whining. but i realize that i CAN’T have a girlfriend. i just never try ’cause i know there’s no point. why try and get rejected? if im suicidal ’cause i think i’ll get rejected, what the fuck’ll happen when i DO get rejected?? my drug problem also doesn’t help. i smoke pot every weekend, fridays and saturdays. i’ve tried coke, vicodin, percocet, codeine, shrooms, dxm, salvia, shit load of alcohol, meth, ecstasy, and i abuse my adderall prescription for my ADD and im hoping to try more. i’ll pretty much try any substance that comes my way… but nothing helps. nothing makes me feel good, at least not long term. i’ve only recently been going to therapy. the reason i go is because my friend (ex-friend, that is) told my parents about that i was doing coke and that i was gonna make crack. my therapist says i have a lot of anxiety issues and that i have depression. some days i can at least put on a happy face and pretend like nothing’s wrong but other days i don’t see a reason to get outta bed.
i usually don’t have crushes. like hardly ever. i guess that’s because i’ve learned to just give up. anyway, this girl came over to my house on friday with a few of my friends. her name is Lilah. she came to smoke with us. i took a bunch of shrooms so i was getting ready for a crazy night. my friends and her were hotboxing my bathroom and i guess it got too hot so she came out and we started chatting. when i started peaking on shrooms she looked gorgeous. she looked like a goddess. she was like the epitome of femininity. idk, it’s just a stupid fuckin crush. i should just forget it. but i can’t.
now one of my best friends has a girlfriend. he couldn’t sleep over on saturday because he was gonna see her on sunday. normally i wouldn’t care and i’d understand, but it just hit me that that’s gonna be my life from now on. while all my friends are busy having lives, imma be at my house cutting myself and doing god knows what drug. it sounds selfish, and it totally is… but to know at such an early age that that’s gonna be my life is hard. i just wanna fuckin end it soon.