Giving up

I’m 23 years old. I’ve been depressed for over a decade. I attempted suicide at the age of 12, trying to hang myself with my bedsheets. I gave up because I had nothing I could hang myself from that would support my weight.

All through my school years, I never seemed able to make friends. I kept to myself and read books.

Up until recently- maybe two years ago- the exact reasons for my depression were unclear to me. I finally figured out that I was transgender, and I managed to push past the stereotypes on TV of “men in dresses, heels and heavy makeup”, and met real trans people, here in the city I live. That’s when I realized what I should do. but it’s easier said than done.

I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. my private parts disgust me. the surgery to have them changed  is twenty grand if I pay for it myself. I’ll never get that much money together. It is possible to get the government to pay for it, but it is like being tarred and feathered; first you have to live as the gender you identify as, on the job, without hormone therapy. great, I did that part. Now, they want to “get to know me” for 2 years. but how the hell is one appointment every 6 months getting to know me? And they haven’t even approved me for the surgery. I don’t think I could take it if they denied me after a total of 4 years waiting for it.

Sometimes I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. People tell me, I’m attractive.  People tell me I look feminine enough to “pass”. My girlfriend, my friends, my sister, they all tell me this. so why is it that I rarely “pass” as the gender I identify? I have a very slim, feminine body. so it must be my face.  Plastic surgery would cost another 20 grand, maybe 30. and it can’t get covered by OHIP.

Most transgender people feel intense depression, and 30-40% (it varies place to place) of them have attempted suicide, myself included, as I said earlier.  There are no statistics for the number of succeeded suicides, because frankly they just aren’t there to fill out a questionnaire, which is how most trans-related statistics have been formed.

I feel like i’m doomed to being treated like a freak by society, future employers and co-workers, even passerby on the streets, for the rest of my life. I just want to be happy, and If I don’t do anything, I never will be. but even if I try my hardest I may be doomed to failure and not know it yet. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I don’t think I’ll try and hang myself again- I think I’d just climb the highest building I can get access to and jump.

I get drunk constantly. I don’t take care of myself. I keep all my pain inside and it’s just really hard to tell people. I just have this feeling like it won’t take much longer for me to finally crack, and take my life.