Going Nowhere

I’m 22 and I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember (apart from a few months
where I was generally happy). I’ve had 7 counsellors in my time and I’ve told each and
everyone of them exactly how I feel, how long I have felt it and how I see the world. But
each time they have either done very little, put me on meds (which actually brought me
closer to killing myself) or simply tell me that they just can’t help. I got to say, I do feel
like no one can help. Which I think is a reasonable response.

I’ve come to a point where I realise that no matter what happens (good or bad) it can’t
make me feel any better/worse than I already feel. I just feel like a ghost almost. An
echo of just raw emotions. None of which are all that good. I know part of the problem is
 have no social life, love life or work life. But in the past I have had all of them and
frankly it didn’t help so much. The only time I have ever been happy was when I was
with my first girlfriend. But when it became clear that wouldn’t work out it just became a
struggle to try and make a doomed relationship work out. Was with her for 3 and a half
years and been apart from her for nearly 2 years. Yet I’m still hopelessly in love with her.
In fact the second most common thing on my mind (after suicidal/depressive thoughts)
is her.

The truth of the matter is, I would of already killed myself by now, but I’m still friends with
her. Plus I wouldn’t want to upset my dad either. But I can’t carry on like this. Even if I
don’t die, I’m already dead inside. I mean I can’t even get a job and frankly even if I
could I would hate it and would no doubt make coping that much harder. So I just can’t
see a logical way for things to get better. Its like maths is telling me that I should kill
myself. And I have tried to as well. I overdosed with sleeping tablets (I don’t sleep well) a
few years back, but I must not of took enough because I just woke up and it was a day
later. Not to mention traffic, knives, shampoo and an oven. But something always stops
me from allowing myself to do the deed. I’m starting to wish that something would go
away because I’m very fed up with life. I just want a little purpose and to understand
myself. Nothing I do helps with that and I just keep finding dead end after dead end. And
the truth is I don’t even feel like I have a right to be depressed in the first place. I mean
my family and friends were never so bad (though I have exactly 2 friends at the moment
and only talk to my dad in my family). I never really got in trouble and even though I was
bullied I really just didn’t care what people said to me and could handle my own when
they tried to beat on me. 

I just don’t get how I’ve turned out so weak and without purpose. I keep agonising over
every poor choice and poor fortune that’s ever happened to me knowing full well that
this kind of thinking just makes things worse. I just wish I could see a pattern or
something I am doing wrong so I could undo it somehow. Though I guess the thing I am
doing wrong is being unhappy. But all I’ve ever been is unhappy so if I change that I’m
not even sure I’ll be me anymore. Not that I would know how to not be unhappy. I’m
quite confused as you may of gathered. I really hope something someone says on this
makes things clearer somehow. Though forgive me if my life experiences make me
doubtful of that happening.