When i was in rehab i was forced into group therapy, I was only a week into rehab so i was still feeling the effects of withdrawal, So lets just say i wasÂ not in the best of moods.
When it came round to my turn, i said the words, my name is Shane and im a addict. (It didnt really feel like a big step, but it was, i see that now)
She asked me why i started doing drugs.
i said ” why does anyone do drugs, they want to escape the shityness of there live’s”(I was less cordial then)
She said “Yes, but what was it that made your life so , emm bad”
I said “Â Why the fuck does it matter what it was, i fucked up and i couldnt live with it, what does it matter what it wasÂ ”
She said “Well it mattered enough to you for you throw your whole life away”
I said “How the hell do you know what ive lost lady? you dont shit about me, its not like you give a shit, this is just a paycheck to youÂ ”
She said “Why does it matter why im here to you? youÂ want help, im offering helpÂ ”
I said “i dont need you help, i sure as fuck dont need this ****** circle”
She said “Â If youÂ dont need help then why are you here? Your here because you have lost the respect of everyone who cares about you, and now you have no one but this ****** circleÂ ”
i got up and smashed my chair off the wall and shouted “i dont need this shit”
At this point the lovely men in white clothes were running towards me ready to knock me out and take me back to my room, But she stopped them and said ” if he wants to alone it his choice, you are excused ”
for the next few days she left an extra chair in the circle just to taunt me.
My pride was hurt so i refused to go back i just sat by the window.
About four days after my little outburst i was starting to feel better, the nausea and headachesÂ was gone, i felt like a had a clear head for the first time in months. I went over to the circle and apologised and asked if i could join in today.
She Said “Â We love it if youÂ joined us today, wouldnt we gangÂ ”
The group let out a very sad and quite “yeah sure, whatever” (they were all so medicated im not sure they even knew what they were saying)
When it came round to me i just passed on my turn, i was still kind of mad at her i guess. (PS it seemed like she never stopped smiling, seriously, always smiling, it was kind of annoying at the time)
After that second day i went outside, the sun was setting, so i just sat in the grass and stared out over the sea. Then Jess sat down next to me.(Jess was the Always Smiling therapist)
but she wasn’t smilingÂ now. I said “Suddenly not so Jolly, I knew it was act”(By the way i used to be a bit of an asshole, i was in a bad place then)
Jess: “Yes, the others need to see a friendly face everyday, But your different”
Me “I wouldn’t all that a friendly faceÂ “(I used to drive people away, but evenÂ i felt bad for saying that)
Me “Im sorry i didnt mean ..”
Jess “I know, I know why your here and i know why your trying to drive people awayÂ ”
Me ” Oh yeah, would you mind telling me?”
Jess “Huh, like you dont know, i see you acting the fool, the brew-ding loner who has see it all, its all a mask to keep people at arms lengthÂ ”
there was about a minutes pause, weÂ staredÂ at the sunsetÂ again.
Jess “You dont need to be here, all these other people have no hopes or dreams left, they have no home to go to, they have been addicts for years, and its sad, but they will probably always be addictsÂ ”
me “are you getting over time for this little chat?”
Jess “You still dont get it, i see who you are, i know you dont need to be babied, why are still trying to hide from me?”
me “I justÂ stared back over the sea and smiledÂ “(She did know me)
Jess “your here because you want to be here, your ashamed of your mistakes, but rather than face them you decided to come here and hide”
Jess “I know terrible things have happened to you, but i see your strength, I know you could walk out of here in few weeks and get your life back”
I turned and stared into her eyes for few seconds, i decided she was sincere and turned back to the sunset
me “Why are you wasting your life here with us drunks and degenerates”
Jess “there you go again with this us, your not like everyone else here, so trying to be”
me “Christ, you dont give up do you”
Jess “notÂ usually, But i have decided i will never quit on you. You will get better and i want to help youÂ ”
me ” you already have”
then i turned to her and she was smiling again, i couldnt help but laugh. Then she watched the rest of the sunset with me. then she got up as she walked away saidÂ Â ” Ill see you in the ****** circle tomorrow”
Jess is still a good friend to this day, she consults me sometimes on here more extreme cases.
I have never liked doctors, but Jess helped to save my life. So i guess there not all bad. 🙂
Im all better now by the way, in case you have read this far and have no idea who i am.