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I’m afraid it might all go downhill from here.

by 2012

I’ve been depressed and suicidal recently with no one to talk of my issues with. I recently decided to talk to the school counselor about my problems. At first, everything was great, but then from the depression test results she decided that she needs to talk to my parents about my depression (the talk is tomorrow night shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck) as well as getting me to see my pediatrician about things I can do (antidepressants stuff).

 

I’m really starting to regret talking to my counselor and wish there was some other way of doing this without making things more complicated than it is… My problems are simple; I have a hard time focusing on my work so I’m staying up to 3 A.M. just trying to finish, I’ve become a bit of an introvert ever since coming to high school (I’m 14, 2-3 days I’ll be 15, I’m a freshman), and I’m only surrounded with strangers to talk about my problems with… The stress from all this adds up and has pretty much destroyed my physical, spiritual (if such a thing exists), emotional, and mental health. All I need is a real friend that I can trust enough to talk with and maybe a study hall to solve my problems…

I’m afraid that when my counselor talks to my parents that everything will go wrong… That my parents become so ashamed of me that they’ll disown me or something similarly painful…

I have a cousin in California who is 15. She has great grades in class and is #1… Recently she passed out during school and was rushed out to the hospital. Doctors diagnosed her and could not find anything wrong with her physically. She had to be reminded (not relearned) on how to speak, walk, and other basic stuff. The doctors later diagnosed her with depression… from what I heard, she broke up with her boyfriend who was going to college and became depressed. So due to this, doctors said that she had to take a bit of a time off from school…

Her parents weren’t too happy with her when they heard this… They were disappointed in her… But more relevant to this post I suppose, is that my parents were pissed off at her…They said stuff like a girl of her age should be focusing on school and not relationships… They called her lazy… and they said that if she was their daughter that they would disown her…

Now…when I heard that I was pissed off and scared shitless…Whether or not my parents actually mean this, I don’t know… What I do know is that if my parents find out that I’m depressed over a thing like loneliness… I’m afraid that no one will have a happy ending… Save whatever cruel being thought it would be fun to have kids work their ass off to only see that all their efforts have been wasted… I’m afraid that after my parents find out about what I’ve been going through, that my future will only hold shittier and shittier things after this point… I have no clue what to do…

Now on the topic of antidepressants… I know that these things try to help me feel better, but I doubt if they will actually work. Those of who have used antidepressants before, what are your thoughts on them? Should I even bother with them? I have heard from many people that they only make your condition worse and serve as a means to make a profit from other people’s misery…

Short Summary: I’m a fuck-up in life whom needs help but only got more problems to worry about. wat do?

I hope I don’t offend anyone who has problems worse than me here. If I do, I apologize…

Happy birthday to me..or maybe not…

Thanks for reading through all this shit.

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ellachristina 3/22/2012 - 1:54 am

Hi 2012,welcome to the site. ugh,i’m sorry-15 is a tough age. highschool is difficult,(i’m living proof though,you will get through it!:) and i’m really sorry about your cousin! about anti-depressants. when i was 13 (i’m 19 now) they put me on zoloft for depression and i feel like it made my symptoms worse,and i haven’t been on antidepressants since. but i have a good friend who is bipolar,and they saved her life. i think it’s really about finding the right one for you. there is really no way to do this but to try them out. so if you try a new medication,just be really aware of your emotions and if you start to feel worse,realize that it’s a side effect from the meds and call your doctor asap. if you choose to then,they can change the dosage or switch medications until you find one that helps you. and happy birthday! i’m really sorry your feeling so bad right now,i wish it was happier for you.i’m sorry your parents reacted so badly to your cousin..that’s terrible. my friend who struggled with cutting had some trouble when we first talked to her parents.(she wanted us there for moral support) and her mom just sort of acted like we never even told her. but she was just really upset for her daughter,and after a bit of time coping,things got better. my friend is doing good now. things can get better. sometimes people don’t react well when they are afraid,and your parents love you so they will be worried about you. but i think if your honest that getting help will really help. i’m glad you found this site,it’s a good place to talk. hang in there!

mark800101 3/22/2012 - 2:01 am

People who consider depressed people nothing more than “lazy fucks”, which is what your parents and your cousins parents seem to think, need to rethink their perspective on life.

I’ve taken two types of anti depressants. Zoloft, and Prozac. Zoloft for 2 to 3 months, and Prozac for 2 or 3 months as well. My memory is a bit fuzzy on how long exactly. I started zoloft first, and I remember paying attention to as much detail as possible about how I was feeling and if any changes in my thought pattern arised. Zoloft for me was noticeable after a few days. Zoloft was a bit odd, because when he medicine reached its “peak”, it would give you this odd feeling like no other I’ve ever experienced before in my chest/stomach area. It gave me this odd warm feeling, it felt artificially positive. It felt like you were feeling a raw positive emotion, but with no reason to feel that emotion, it felt strange and extremely out of place. Like it didn’t belong there. And the end result for me was not feeling positive, it left me confused and made me feel as if I were losing the ability to feel true emotions. I was afraid that if ever the chance arose to feel true happiness, that this drug would ruin it with its artificial feelings it made in me. I was eventually taken off the medication when doctors assumed that the Zoloft was likely a significant factor in my decision to attempt suicide in May of 2011.

They switched me to Prozac. For me, prozac took a little longer to build up. It was noticeable, the effects of it, but it felt weaker than Zoloft. And it seemed to work in a different way. To me, Zoloft seemed to shove good emotions down your throat, which ended up backfiring on itself. Prozac on the other hand produced different emotions in me, or I think it did at least. It’s difficult to tell what was prozac, and what was me just wanting to get the fuck out of the hospital by displaying fake positive progress. If I had to guess, I would say that Prozac was at least partially responsible for increasing my desire to socialize with people. I would also say it was partially responsible for producing a natural enough sense of confidence to fool even me into questioning “is this the prozac or my natural confidence?”.

Basically:
Prozac seemed to boost my confidence, and desire to socialize with people.
Prozac seemed to produce artificial positive emotions that totally didn’t feel normal. Certainly nothing I’ve ever felt when not under medication.

mark800101 3/22/2012 - 2:04 am

Let me rephrase that last section….

Prozac seemed to boost my confidence, and desire to socialize with people.
Zoloft seemed to produce artificial positive emotions that totally didn’t feel normal. Certainly nothing I’ve ever felt when not under medication.

2012 3/22/2012 - 4:15 am

@ella Thank you very much for your kind words and help!

@Mark Thank you for your kind words and help as well!

I was pretty terrified about this whole situation, but you guys helped me to calm down and understand this entire ordeal. I’m less scared now about my parents finding out about this and about having to take antidepressants…Thank you for helping me out so much!

mark800101 3/22/2012 - 4:27 am

No problem. I also wanted to add, even though the doctors think the zoloft was a significant factor in my decision to attempt suicide, I honestly don’t think it was. It most likely wasn’t.

I don’t know if you will be put on either of those anti depressants, and if you are I don’t know if you will experience the same thing I experienced. And in case you’re afraid of any permanent damage done by the drugs, there was none for me. As soon as the medicine wore off, usually within 2 weeks, you’re back to your normal unmedicated self.

Prozac seemed to work better for me, although I wouldn’t mind taking either of them again if I had to.

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