Is this my pennance?

So many talk about friends and girlfriends being the reason for wanting to kill themselves. Not me. I have few friends just people i see every few months. Ive never been on a date or been real with anyone. I just act happy all the time because its expected of me. A few weeks ago my closest (which isnt saying much) friend told me that another was in therapy and proceeded to make fun of him for it. How do you even respond to that? All i want is someone to be close with. Perhaps this is my punishment. For so long I was the bully; the bad guy. I teased others to fit in, when a girl would like me i would reject them because i was afraid. Everything crumbled down during my freshman and sophomore  years of high school. The crowd i wanted to fit in left me. I just wish i could do it over. There are so many thoughts. No one knows how bad it is. I dont let them. I thought college would be better but it isnt so i dropped out. Used to be my parents would be pissed off, now its just expected of me. I think im going to be alone forever. I watched a rerun of a show called supernatural. The episode was entitled after school special. During the episode two brothers revisit their old high school. One brother learns that a friend of his at the school comitted suicide shortly after he transferred. The brother begins to question if he could have saved his friend by staying a little longer. The other brother responds that the kid was on every antidepressant and antianxiety medication known to man, school was hell for him ; his parents were splitting up and he just wanted out. Thats what i hope people will say about me. Just that i wanted out. I dont know whether i deserve this pain but i don think so. Ending it for all seems like the best approach but not yet. Not until every other attempt at happiness fails. Sorry for the rambling this is my first post. By this time im starting to regret writing.