I remember when I was a kid holding a knife to my throat to stop my folks fighting. Â Fast forward to life at 24 and not much internally has changed.
Listing my life’s unfortunate circumstances is pointless, everyone has suffering. Â However, the one constant has that the cumulative sum has all been ‘my fault’. After starting the process 4 years back to improve myself, it seems I’m the only one aware of my progress. Other folks just have shit to so.
Furthermore, when conflict arises and I stick to my reasonable intellect and try to better the energy, it seems like I hurt more than help. I believe strongly in the golden rule, and generally treat others well. I even look at all of this with forgiveness for others, but then I’m superior and holier than thou.
You tell me how I can win this game, Â and I won’t off myself. Â Not like an angry suicide, more like an “OK God, you win.”
At least I’m at peace with my suicide
2 comments
I like the way you view things and am glad you’re conscious of your actions and your insight. That being said, while I don’t believe in God/afterlife, it wouldn’t be logical of a higher power to make life a painful game that he/she is betting you’ll lose.
“The Hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it” seems to me the answer to “winning” this existence.
And at 24, you haven’t really done that yet. There are miles to go. But, some of those miles are enjoyable at least. I can’t really help you with the internal pain you feel(or I wouldn’t be here), but consider making a large change (residence, travel, career, education) in your life. Plan for it. Do it right. Hit that goal and see where you are then. It’s worth trying.
I’m not bargaining for your life. It’s your life. Don’t be a bully.
Also, your post doesn’t make sense. Starting what process 4 years ago? And look at all of what? You are looking at your suicidal ideation with forgiveness and a holier than thou attitude? Huh?
Also, the golden rule is foolish and wrong anyway.