I am stressed and live with high anxiety all the time. It is to the point when I do not even remember what life is like without constant pressure and I am only 21. I understand that life is stressful, that there will always be things that upset me, and that since I have survived much more difficult times in my past. But it is exhausting to just survive at this point, and it seems to be only getting worse. Before I can resolve one problem or stressor another one comes up, and then another and then another, and the stress and anxiety I live under has started to affect me physically and make me ill in addition to my panic attacks. To make everything worse, I purposefully stress myself out by adding to my already packed schedule and I surround myself with needy people to take care of who really do not care for me in return. I know that the simple solution is to cut things from my schedule and to not worry about other people’s problems so much, but for me it is not that simple. My stress is like a drug to me, and though I hate living like this, I just take on more and more. Nobody, not even my therapist, knows how I really feel because I do not tell anyone. I do not want people to feel bad for me and I am petrified that people will treat me differently because that is what has happened in the past. I can’t cry any more, it’s like I have forgotten how or that I am afraid to release any of this emotion that I have pent up inside of me. Living like this makes me tired. It makes my head heavy. I cannot live like this anymore, but I know that suicide should not be an option because I cannot bare to hurt the ones that I love the most. However, I seem to be running short on options. The worst part of this all is, despite me surrounding myself with friends and family, a loving boyfriend, and even pets that love me unconditionally, I always feel like nobody cares about me and that I am invisible. I feel so alone.
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Hello cbrown,
First of all you are unfortunately far from alone. But I understand that you feel alone. Welcome to SP…where you may come off looking fairly normal…there’s always that chance.
I have suffered with overwhelming anxiety for my entire life…and I could soooo relate to your post. I always felt different, unimportant and unnecessary…so I became the enabler…like you….putting a bandaid on any situation or person…just want everyone to be happy and get along….do you know why? I couldn’t control me and my feelings….so I just tried to control the anxiety by controlling my environment and the people in it. Sound familiar perhaps? I find that the anxiety seems to cycle…ever present…just worse with hormones etc….but when I ended up with panic attacks and agoraphobia in my 20’s….that’s when I had to start learning how to take care of me. I have learned all the relaxation and breathing techniques…the self-talk theories….I’ve tried irridology, naturopaths, hypnosis, talk therapy, various addictions…drugs and alcohol….avoidance….I could go on…I’ve tried everything I can to control my anxiety….it is quite literally killing me.
The only thing that ever worked were the tranquilizers…I like the pam family of tranqz myself….but you can’t live on them either. I am currently starting to take the pams again this week…for the first time in 20 years….but am currently dealing with some major life changes and traumas…so I’m giving myself a break and medicating….but only short term.
After a period of intense high anxiety….not mania…it is generally followed by a mind blowing depression….the tranqz also help with that since no high anxiety = no low depression. Sometimes I need a break from the seesaw….so pams all the way. Don’t think I think this is an answer my friend….just a bandaid…the answer is to be found inside…and dealt with…the drugs just take the top off so you can do this….
I have also been dealing with numerous traumas since the age of 3…and like you they seem to never stop…before you can deal with one….whoops theres another…lol…and I was suicidal for almost 40 years…with 7 attempts…NOW>….I wouldn’t give them…the great them(abusers) the satisfaction of it….I myself will never be suicidal again….which is hard in it self…my safety net if you will…but I’m gonna spend whatever life I have left without the net….I’m going to deal…I’m going to heal…and then watch them scatter like leaves on an icy wind….this is MY life…and I AM going to live it from now on….for me…not them.
Relate?
Namaste
Amakua
Thank you so much for telling me about your experience, it is actually really helpful to know that I am not the only one who has intense anxiety and who has similar coping methods to me. I talked to my therapist and we decided that I should go see the psychiatrist to go on meds because hopefully I may become more receptive to talk therapy so we can focus on the real issues in my life and the traumas that I have gone through instead of the topical stressor of the week. I have been on meds before and had a really bad experience resulting from a misdiagnosis so I am a little uncertain about how I feel about going to see a doctor, but I really think that this can be beneficial to me if all works well, so I am going to try.
I don’t want to go on living like this but that is because I can hardly call what I have right now a life. I am resilient and I am a survivor, but I do not just want to survive, I want to really live.
Hey cbrown,
I was a survivor….now I am a Warrior…I hope you get here soon. I find that SSRI’s do not work for me…something about a norepinephrine imbalance…and a hyperactive amygdala…so I actually do produce enough seratonin and dopamine…they are just flooded out by the norepinephrine….so I find that a mild tranquilizer does the trick for me…and then I can start to focus…but just remember…drugs are to help…they are not the answer….you have to deal with your traumas and your emotions….thinking about it is actually scarier than doing it…I promise. Also…any chance of a subsequent spiritual awakening or crisis…this can be caused by trauma as well? Just curious. Would love to hear how your journey progresses
Namaste
Amakua
Well I had what you would call a “falling out with God” about 7 years ago. Before then I was religious and had faith but then I lost it. I was in a head on collision with a semi truck that killed my mother, and though I hit my head and was knocked out it was only for a brief period and I have full memory of the accident and of the aftermath, including seeing my mom dead in the driver’s seat. I prayed to God that she would be okay but my prayers were never answered. I was 14 at the time and couldn’t understand why she died and I survived, and I felt abandoned by God. I have been an atheist ever since. Incidentally, I had an out of body experience during the impact itself.
Before the accident I was having problems with severe teasing at school and I was dealing with other more severe traumas, and my mother was my support system through all of that. So when I lost her, that was when my life spiraled out of control.