Just Do It Already!

I’ve been waiting to die a horrific death ever since I was six. I would pray that during thunderstorms, I would be struck by lightning and go into a c0ma. I knew that my family was to poor to keep me in the coma and they would just let me die. It has never happened but I am very jealous of the people who get hit and survive. What a waste of a lightning strike. Every time I stepped into a car, I hoped a drunk driver would swerve directly into my side of the car leaving everyone unharmed but me. That’s why I refuse to wear a seat-belt, it lets me taunt the universe. I have been having these thoughts since I was six. Y’know when everyone was playing with barbies, I was contemplating my death. On my thirteenth birthday I purposely made my mother kick me out the house knowing I wouldn’t have a curfew. I went to my best friend’s house but she wasn’t there. Instead her older brother “Jacob”, who was very intoxicated and seventeen at the time, invited me in to “talk things through”. Soon, I was drunk and “Jacob” was extremely drunk. I had started crying and I told “Jacob” of how I wanted to die and how I wanted him to do it. It didn’t take  that long to convince him, he was ready to help end my life. So, we climbed on top of the roof of the garage so he could push me off. I was finally going to be free of this life. I was going to fulfill my childhood dream. As I looked below at the grass waving in the nights air, I took my final deep breath. I woke up the next day with “Jacob” still on the roof of the garage. Apparently, we were so drunk we passed out. “Jacob” couldn’t recall why we had gotten on the roof in the first place. However, I knew and began drinking with “Jacob” on the regular, hoping he would get that drunk again and end my life. It never happened. When I was 16, I lost my virginity to a drummer from a local band. He told me how he traveled everywhere but never met a girl like me. I didn’t care I was hoping he had sex with so many girls that I might contract syphilis or even better AIDS. Unfortunately, he was actually sexually intelligent and practiced safe sex. I began dating him off and on for awhile, but I was still having sex with random guys. Never had an STD or STI. I was diagnosed with aspergers, “functional autism”, when I was 16 but I wasn’t told until I was 18. So, I used to fake a bad cough so I could get my hands on some codeine or promethazene. Not to overdose with but to cope with the new reality that I wasn’t normal, but I already knew that. I just wanted to see if I would take myself out I guess. Now I pray that some deranged serial killer kidnaps me while I’m walking on campus or a fellow pupil decides to shoot up the school. I drive drunk on the freeway early in the morning when hardly anyone is driving. Just hoping I’ll lose control and flip of the rails. I can’t kill myself there’s no honor in it they say. But why not? Why can’t the most honorable thing be to take yourself out. I mean, some people accept that homosexuals are born gay. Can they accept that some people were born with the idea of an early death? I’ve been having these thoughts since I was six. I wish that the universe would just do it already! Kill me because I want to die.