March 19, 2012

The date of this post has no real significance, I just didn’t know what else to call this.

Some of you responded to me with questions asking for more information on this topic, so I was going to address that.  (This post isn’t specifically for the three people I listed.  It’s for anyone willing to listen.)

Starting with “one_day” :

1.  I know that I need to go out and make friends, but i disagree with the fact that it’s unhealthy to have just one friend.  Let’s say she didn’t “abandon” me (or whatever she did), I’d be content, I would be happy, my life would be enjoyable, because I would have my best friend with me every single day.  What’s wrong with that?

2.  I do realize that if she wanted to contact me, she probably could.  But the thing is, while I was on the phone with the police on February 22nd, they told her that if she were to contact me that she would get in big trouble and that they’d have a “discussion”.  They told me the same thing.  And when I violated it by attempting to contact her again, they came to my house while I was at work and spoke with my parents.  Second, there is no restraining order.  Police cannot issue restraining orders, only courts can.

3.  You question how objective I’m being.  Relationships with people, whether they be romantic or just a friendship, it can be very difficult to remain objective.  You become consumed in your emotions for your friend or partner.  Everyone has experienced it.  It’s easy to be objective from the outside.

4.  This part about “if your perspective is so screwed that you can’t gauge what people want when they talk to you, then you need help” comes off to me as more of a personal attack, than a critical assessment.  Correct me if I’m wrong.  I have not been to therapy, and I will explain why towards the end of this post.

Titanium:

1.  I’m intrigued by your apparent knowledge of the law.  Specifically where you say that it’s just scare tactics.  Care to explain a little more?

——Stressful Skype call conversation on February 20th

I worked 2-11 that day.  I had a 1 hour lunch break from 6-7pm.  We just typed messages to eachother for a minute or two and then i suggested we voice/video chat.  She replied “okay.  but just so you know, I’m at mikey’s house doing math”, which completely set me off.  Because mikey is her boyfriend, and she specifically told me she wasn’t going to be hanging out with him at all unless she told me specifically beforehand.  So she lied, and I was very upset.  We argued for the entire hour, and at the end of the hour, she asked me “now what?”.  And I replied with “i don’t know.  I’m going back to work.  Can you please be available to call tonight when i get off?”  and she said yes and then we hung up.  What I think happened, is she told her boyfriend mikey what happened.  And he convinced her to stop “dealing” with me by just going to the police.  I’m not positive though.  I’m merely speculating likely situations.  And, in case this still doesn’t make sense, it’s because you’re missing part of a story that dates back to September/October of 2010.  Obviously, that’s a pretty large expanse of time, and it would take hours to type it all out, and I don’t have the energy for that at this time of night.  I might one day, assuming anyone cares enough to read it all.

I do appreciate the 3 comments I received.  Thank you, I didn’t expect any responses.

I’ve already decided to end my life, but this weird thing has happened.  It feels like I have this to-do list.  Like I have this list, and I’m just checking off things I need to do before i do it.  When, none of those things will matter if I’m dead.  And yet I still place such a high amount of importance on these trivial things.  Trivial even if i had decided to continue living my life as normal.  Things like this classified information I once stored on my desktop, I’ve actually bought four 8gb flash drives, encrypted them with 256 bit AES encryption with a 20+ digit password, and placed them in four different locations.  And i deleted the sensitive data from my desktop of course, then proceeded to wipe the free space.  The only possible way to access the data, is through my mind.  For some reason, the thought of her and her boyfriend hooking up, the thought is completely unbearable to me.  It’s so upsetting, at times it makes me feel as if I cannot breath.  And sometimes I rationalize my death with theories like evolution.  That someone as emotionally weak as myself doesn’t deserve to live, and my dna won’t be passed on to curse another person with emotional instability.  I feel sad, because I’m going to die with the thought that  she didn’t care for me and that she just wanted me out of her life.  Which to me, that’s the equivalent of no one caring about me.  I don’t know why, but the fact that my family loves me seems to have little influence on me.  It’s not nonexistent, but it’s not significant enough to change my mind, which I’m certain is wrong, but that’s just the way my emotions go.  I don’t know why.

Forgot to add why I have not been to therapy:  The reason I have not been to therapy is because I’m extremely doubtful the therapist will understand my situation.  I think people are so consumed with what’s “normal” and what’s “weird” that it’s just disgusting.  I think people are too quick to judge people as freaks, psycho’s, or stalkers.  The words are thrown around so loosely.  But that’s just what I would be labeled by most people, a freak, a psycho, a stalker.  All of those are very negative and hurtful words.  I personally don’t believe I am one of them, but I do believe that people would call me those things.  And I believe the therapist, while he/she wouldn’t say it, would probably think it.  And that is extremely important to me.  I cannot stand fake people.  And with a therapist, I know that it’s their job to help you.  So I wouldn’t know if they genuinely cared, or if they were just doing their job.  I wouldn’t know if they considered me to be a freak/stalker.  Their opinion matters to me.  I can’t deal with fake people.