I just had one, simply because someone else posted something moronic on their facebook. Some bible quote:
Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men
My thoughts were like this; that is right, I am trash, I am going to be trodden upon, because I have no savour, and I can’t fight for myself, I’m horrible and pathetic and damaged, with no morals, no motivation, no drive.
Its like pearls before swine, and I am swine. A nothing, a pig, a ghost already dead just walking around in a bag of flesh. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, because I can see my own cowardly trembling.
Maybe its all true, but I told myself, there is no need to panic, if my karma is to be so, and there isn’t anything I can do about it, then what am I worried about?
I worry about doing the right thing often.
If there were a chance for me to be alive again, and I had to risk everything to be alive again, could I do it? Could I run away from what seems to be a useless and empty life?
But I am a coward, I can’t do it and I need others But I am surrounded by people who don’t see the real m at all. All they see is a broken thing. I used to be an artist, with hundreds of drawings and paintings. I haven’t been able to finish anythingÂ for years.
In the meantime, my sisters, who have always had things easier than me, have absolutely no love for me, the broken one. I am the oldest, and yet, all of my younger siblings have more friends and more money than me. I am really truly a broken thing.
I have no one to support me except for what I have right here.. But am I supposed to let others control my life? Or Aa I supposed to break free and I’m not seeing the slow evil that I am surrounded by? I lost my soul, it left my body, I think when I was about 10 years old. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to at all, but I see it in every aspect of my life, a sad, slow descent into nothingness. . .
I’m 26 now. . .