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Panic Attack

by Yorubara19

I just had one, simply because someone else posted something moronic on their facebook. Some bible quote:

Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men

My thoughts were like this; that is right, I am trash, I am going to be trodden upon, because I have no savour, and I can’t fight for myself, I’m horrible and pathetic and damaged, with no morals, no motivation, no drive.

Its like pearls before swine, and I am swine. A nothing, a pig, a ghost already dead just walking around in a bag of flesh. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, because I can see my own cowardly trembling.

Maybe its all true, but I told myself, there is no need to panic, if my karma is to be so, and there isn’t anything I can do about it, then what am I worried about?

I worry about doing the right thing often.

If there were a chance for me to be alive again, and I had to risk everything to be alive again, could I do it? Could I run away from what seems to be a useless and empty life?

But I am a coward, I can’t do it and I need others But I am surrounded by people who don’t see the real m at all. All they see is a broken thing. I used to be an artist, with hundreds of drawings and paintings. I haven’t been able to finish anything  for years.

In the meantime, my sisters, who have always had things easier than me, have absolutely no love for me, the broken one. I am the oldest, and yet, all of my younger siblings have more friends and more money than me. I am really truly a broken thing.

I have no one to support me except for what I have right here.. But am I supposed to let others control my life? Or Aa I supposed to break free and I’m not seeing the slow evil that I am surrounded by? I lost my soul, it left my body, I think when I was about 10 years old. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to at all, but I see it in every aspect of my life, a sad, slow descent into nothingness. . .

I’m 26 now. . .




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ellachristina 3/12/2012 - 1:55 am

it’s never ever too late to turn around okay?you aren’t “bad”. that bible verse is easy to be taken out of context if you don’t read the whole paragraph or really,the whole book of the bible. you couldn’t open a book you’d never read before and take a sentence out of it and expect it to make sense,could you? here is that verse,plus some of the verses before it and after it.i hope it is more clear.

Matthew 5:10-20
New International Version (NIV)

10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Salt and Light

13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

I believe these verses are about sharing the message and the love of God with others. your not bad,okay? God loves you,and each and everyone of us. if you ever want to talk i’m here okay? ellachristina92@hotmail.com

ellachristina 3/12/2012 - 1:57 am

oops. *easy to take out of context* love my grammar abilities. 🙂 lol

Sure6Shot18 3/12/2012 - 2:07 pm

When people take the bible out of context, it can be dangerous. What makes you think you lack “savour”? Is it because you feel like a bad person? Why? Are you guilty for feeling sad?

We all broken, and I’m pretty sure that there are far worse people in this world that perhaps deserve to be “trodden” upon. But those people are usually not the ones who are sad or guilty. Do not let anyone tread on you. You don’t deserve it.

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