Only when Im dying, i will truly feel alive

Im not sure why I am really posting this, but praphs this will help me in some sort of way. I am a lost individual who i guess cannot cope with life. I have been this way since 15, since i can remember i always felt like i dont belong in this society, almost as though it ruins me - than i realised i ruin myself. So… people who dont know me, which means everyone in this world maybe apart from my father and mother would think i have ‘everything’, i mean after all im’pretty’, have a part – time job, currently doing a law dagree at one of the best universities in england, had a ‘great boyfriend’, lovely familly and lots of friends. What more could a 20 year old wish for right? Well… all I currently wish for is dying. You see when i look in the mirror i no longer see a pretty face, i see an empty soul, lifeless individual who struggles everyday despite her own will, when i reflect on my degree all i assosiate it with is four walls no friends loneliness struggle failure to meet the expectations, i reflect long train journeys due to the solitute 200 miles away from home which ruined me. When i look at a family, i look at people who dont care about me, and those who do by that my mother and father cant cope with life themselfs, father with sucidal history and mother who copes with everything all life in 4 walls to satisfy everyone around her . people who  never appriciate it,  left similarly to me in solitute. Now ‘ friends’ since 15 i learnt people dont care, they use and abuse u while pretending to be your friends. I learnt that getting attached to people isnt really worth it in the end you alone and not understood anyway. Boyfriend? Imagine loving someone so much that you give up your own self? everything you ever stood for… sacrifising everything for a guy u thought you will marry, just to realise people arent capable of doing thesame, yeah that makes you feel even more than the nothing you allready are. SO  here is how i feel roughly 99 percent of the time for the past 5 years…like im a burden, like im not good enough, like im a walking crop, a total fuck up, like everything i ever dreamed of backfired and ruined me, like i shouldnt love because it hurts, like i wish i commited sucide the first time i tired because lets face it nothing gets better with time, like my mind frame drives me insane, like im hurting people along the way, like i cant just be happy, like i wish to die, just dissapear as thats the only time i would be at rest, like i have no self motivation, like i dont remember how it feels to be happy and everyattempt to do so fails me. like im a ***** because i cant cope, like im a worthless mess, like im a regret of peoples lifes, like everyone is better off without me. So yeah… to be honest im thinking about sucide and i wish i could commit it, but i cant, its not because i dont have the strnght to … because lets face it what can possibly be worse than living, but because iff i did i know i would kill my mother, possibly the only person thats capable of loving me on this planet, i dont wish to break her heart i mean after all im carring a broken heart and a broken soul and I dont want her in this possition. So here i am i will carry on wishing to close my eyes and never wake up, untill the day i decide to be selfish and kill myself, and with all of me i hope this day comes soon because technically i am already dead, and only then will i truly feel alive.