sorry this is kinda all over the place…..
i feel like im drowning. Drowning In expectations, school work, and emotions. My gpa is fucking shot. Gone. Down the toilet along with any hopes into getting into a decent college. and forget about being in the top of my class…. I don’t even know how many classes I failed this past grading period. Fuck. What am I supposed to do? My father wants me to get a ‘full ride’ scholarship for basketball…but I can’t do it…besides I want to tell him that a funeral is cheaper than college anyways.
It doesn’t matter what I do. It’s never gonna be enough. People avoid me like I’m the damn plague.Damn It! I can’t get anything right. I’m trying. I really am, but I just can’t keep up with this shit anymore….I’m only human, what do they want from me? I make mistakes, I have a temper. But I don’t like to hurt people….and I don’t think that I deserve to be treated like dirt….or maybe I do…I’m not sure anymore
Lies lies lies LIES. I know that the things people tell me aren’t true. I know that I’m not a horrible person and I know that I don’t ‘walk all over’ people I don’t do that…..that’s not the type of person I am and I’m not completely useless or unworthy of love. But i feel like I am…I can’t even look people in the eyes when I talk to them…what’s wrong with me. If I know these things aren’t true then why the hell do I feel like they are. argh.
I just found out that my Mom’s sick again…she’s losing her memory….she can’t even remember the names of people at church anymore…..or directions, or something I told he 5 minutes ago…she just got better. why does she have to get sick again? Why. she’s 35 and she’s already had heart surgery. What the Hell? why is God doing this to her…she doesn’t deserve that.
My parents are fighting again…..I don’t know why my mother puts up with that man……he demands respect, but he does treat anybody in the house with an ounce of decency. Why does he think that he can do that? nobody ever talks about it, no matter what happens….They just act like nothing’s wrong. Like nothing’s ever happened. it’s infuriating. It’s not right. It’s not fair that we should have to suffer because he’s drunk, or because he’s had a bad day. We shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells because he has low blood-sugar and we don’t know how he’ll to react to something we say or do….i wanna take a bat to the back of his head…….
sorry….more rambling, but the thoughts gotta go somewhere, cause I don’t have my blade anymore…ahh the repercussions of quitting cold-turkey
6 comments
wow. you have alot of pressure being put on you…im sorry bout your mom and your dad seems to add a lot of stress..if u want e-mail me at lol.wallace@hotmail.com
You have so much going on right now and sounds like your parents are overwhelmed with their own stuff… so sorry about your mom. you are right it isn’t fair at all. Has your dad gotten worse since she got sick or has he always been that way?
you have some good instincts, signs of life in that you are brave enough to feel your feelings and you know something is out of wack with your dad.
Take a bat to a pillow. Yell into a pillow. Go under an airport where loud planes take of and where you can yell at the sky without freaking out too many people. Careful you don’t take out all your anger about your mom being sick and life in general on your dad though he certainly sounds like he deserves a reality check …..just not one that you’ll regret or that is gonna destroy lives. ” Does he have support through church or some one you can call to check in with him when isn’t in the middle of a tantrum? Hugs can sometimes shock the heck out of people and bring about unexpected results.
Can you go to a group like for families of alcoholics for some support?
How about a school counselor?
I of course have no answers just some strategies for getting by……exercise, drink lots of water, don’t OD on caffiene, work at a community garden or healthy food store so you can eat well and get B vitamins for stress, meditate, sing, yell at the sky, cry with someone who will hold you. Be brave and look people in the eye when you talk with them. Ask how they are doing and really listen. If you are being walked all over at home then you may very well have picked up some bad habits and be treating others similarly. That’s OK…you can learn. Ask for help. Anger is only bad when we have no way to let it out and to direct it.
Nah, he’s pretty much always been like that. I have a temper but I usually take it out on myself, speaking of which, I get my cast off on Wednesday yay. I always try to bite my tongue, i rarely ever talk to people anyways. I try my hardest to not be like my father…. It doesn’t matter anyways, hahaha the countdown has begun
Yep, sounds like you are unwittingly following in his footsteps if you are taking your anger out on yourself cause he takes his anger out on you.
Time to live out loud perhaps? Do you dare?
Before she got sick was your mom somewhat of your protector and/or you hers?
I found it hard to find a quiet place in my own mind and soul to focus on an interest when I was growing up (still am) and my so called parents invaded my personal development with the lack of their own.
I hope you enjoy the skin you are in and remember there is joy and contentment in between the times of agony. But then you got that or you wouldn’t be pissed off and reaching out for it. 🙂
Ay but not on others.
I guess you could call her that, she’s stopped him from putting me in the hospital once or twice. I’ve stood up for her before, because sometimes things get so bad that she just stands there and cries… I usually get a good hit for that one though.
I’m nothing like my father. plain and simple.
dude your dad sounds like mine used to be, i am 25 now and we have no relationship, though he has quit drinking- never thought that would happen. I wish i had some life changing advice but i don’t. I am a cutter to -or was a cutter i have gone a few months so far, it is so hard, when you take away our coping mechanism we don’t know what to do with ourselves. Your mother has made her decision to stay with the man she married, so did my mom, we cannot choose for them. When you are able, get a job and then maybe you can get your mom out- often it is financials that keep abused women stuck. idk but there has to be something better, remember parents are just people to, as flawed as they are. and it sounds like your father never emotionally matured- and you have to suffer now because of that, i know it likely seems far away, but you will be able to move out before you know it, your mom needs support and just try not to cause anymore problems if you can help it, don’t fight back with your asshole i mean father lol. BE STRONG !!!! for your mom ! In my prayers!!