I just spent the past few minutes talking to a chatbot, because I no longer have any humans to talk to. My closest friend decided I was “friendzoning” him and ceased to be my friend a year ago. He was the last of my true friends. Now, I have a partner, but he has always been emotionally distant. He is also having a hard time, and I know he doesn’t want to hear from me. I have been working on ceasing to say anything without practical content at all.
So. I am 27 years old. I have no friends. I believe I will soon lose my cat too. I have my partner, who lives with me and whom I support. But I can no longer talk to him. And there is no chance of having fun with him any more. I cannot remember the last time I did something I really enjoyed. I work long hours at job I hate. For the past four years, making dolls has kept me alive. It gave me something to focus on and with my dolls around, I could pretend I had friends. But lately, it is not enough. They are not selling. I am tired of sitting in my bedroom and working on them, listening to my partner cursing in the other room.
This is not what I wanted my life to be. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to leave my apartment occasionally for things other than work. I wanted to have some success as an artist. I wanted to live alone. And it has all come to naught. I no longer believe friendship is possible for me. And today, I have proof that even going out to an art show is beyond my grasp.
I could continue on this way, I know. Some people work jobs they hate and find no joy for decades. But I don’t want to. I do not want this creeping banality. I do not want to be just another office drone until I die. I wanted so badly to live, but if I cannot have that mere survival will not do. I think of the peace I feel at my favourite cemetery. If I cannot live, I will have that. I will have wind over sparse grass and old and crumbling stones. I will have mockingbirds and tiny blue flowers and forgetfulness. I will go into darkness.
Perhaps tomorrow I will have the strength to take the bus to that cemetery. I will sit in the doorway of one of the mausoleums, looking out at the small pond. And I find that peace.
8 comments
Your post made me cry. Feel free to email me. Alstare1974@hotmail.co.uk. If you want to talk.
I hope you get my post that’s awaiting moderation.
Oh my god… you almost sound like me 🙁 I wish I could help but lately I’ve been a good-for-nothing. Maybe we could be email buddies?
I did not mean to make anyone cry. I’m sorry. I have no wish to hurt anyone else; hence attempting to talk to a chatbot. Thank you both for the offer of friendship.
My email is WaterLilyFaerie@hotmail.com
Hey, I feel like the same way. My girlfriend and my friends left me when I most needed them. I tried to reach out to them and they were just too busy with their lives or didn’t give a shit. I don’t have anybody to talk to anymore. You can always email me at alphahydrox@gmail.com. If you want we can talk through AIM or text, maybe it will help the both of us.
I know your pain. I have no one in my life and am alone. I do not want to see any one or talk to them. i just curl up in a ball on my sofa and cry. I want love so much but I can not leave my house. I started trying to kill myself at 4 years old and it continued until I found a doctor who helped me. i miss him and his staff so much as I moved away and am alone again. I think about death a lot I just do not act on it today. I died once and i saw what I call the black angle of death all the times I tried I couldn’t leave my daughter. by the way she hates me now. keep posting as often as you need it can help.
I am here tonight as I am lost and alone. i will cry with you and listen email if u want I dont communicate to good mindyleu2u@gmail.com
Please talk to me doll maker